Trial Separation

I made a comment this week, that made me laugh. I’m in a trial separation with my band.

I had come to terms with what I was doing … again. I needed something, that something became Five Finger Death Punch. But when the eye opener came, that truly, their world didn’t even include a notion of me, it hurt.

I mean seriously, why did I even think that it did. I wanted to. I wanted something, and I wanted to matter to someone.

It’s always easier to grab hold to people in the public eye. I had one good night with Ivan, and I realize now… that was for me. ME NOW. I finally realized what it was about that night that I loved so much, and it was that game of roulette. I had such a good time playing roulette with those dealers, having Ivan playing numbers for me. It was the perfect game of roulette.

It had nothing to do with Ivan, but he did contribute. It was me, going back to my days as a roulette dealer, finally getting to be the player. It wasn’t the gambling. it was the fun experience.

As a roulette dealer, I create those games. I found this company here in Salt Lake that does casino games. Yes, it’s legal because the games are not for real money. It’s for points. It’s for parties.

I really can’t put my fingers on it, but it feels like I’ve let go. I suppose that’s a good thing, but … now what.

I’ll figure it all out, I know. One day at a time. That’s all I’ve really got anyway.

I do know why I’ve always been that way through my life. It’s easier to hurt that way, than to hurt with a real broken heart. At the same time though, when it all does happen, that whole love thing, it will be real.

And since I can’t be completely serious about putting myself out there, I have come to grips with what I’m looking for. I’m Tristian, looking for my Isabel 2. ๐Ÿ™‚

Legends of the Fall. On of my all time favorite movies. I loved Tristian’s love with Isabel 2. It was sweet.

Seriously though, I’m off for the day now. Thank you for taking time out of your day to read my blog. I’m still working on my whole blogging experience, but for now, like I said before, I want to get in the habit of writing every day. There will be purpose. I assure you.

Movingโ€™s Fun!

Someone said to me the other days, moving’s never fun. It isn’t I suppose. But I’be decided that since this really is going to be a great thing for me, I’m going to remind myself why it’s okay for new.

I’ve decided some time ago, that life is as entertaining as you make it. You can walk around like Eeyore, or, you can think like Barney Stinson. Barney is a fictional character, but he’s a funny one. I wouldn’t do the crazy things he did, but why not make the things I do a little more entertaining. It makes life a whole lot less scarier.

Change sucks. But it’s always going to be there. You can either adapt, run, or ignore completely. Running isn’t going to get anyone anywhere. Ignoring it is only going to make things worse because there will be that day when it all crashes down and you’re worse off than before.

Adapting. Much easier. You blend in, or you can make a splash. Or you can just make your hum drum existence a little more exciting. This world is so big and there are so many things to do or try. (I think this is my heart of Barney comes from. He was always trying something new.)

Challenge Accepted is another good one.

Another silly one, but it’s a way to get myself to try new things. I don’t ever actually say these words, but I think them. The most recent challenge accepted was my beer battered deep friend grilled cheese sandwich. No, I could not each the whole thing. But point is, I tried it and it was amazing!

So, I guess what I’m trying to say is that this move, is both of these. I won’t talk about this every day, but it’s a big transition for me. I’m worried that I have to justify this decision to people, when I should be able to just do it. The thing is, I am just going to do it, because I know it’s time. I need to stand on my own two feet and trust this decision no matter what anyone thinks. And really, they could be thinking nothing. I have to make a decision for myself, because I know it’s right, feel it’s right, and know it’s all for the right reasons.

And this is where Barney comes in, I can’t be that serious all the time. I mean it, but I want to be funny about it so people will just trust that I know what’s right for me.

With that being said, I will gush one last time before dropping this subject for awhile. I am so excited for my new apartment. There are built in shelves in two rooms. I’ve decided that this is going to be an amazing place for my stones/crystals. Pictures. Knick knacks that I’ve gathered over the years. And space lighting, or whatever the technical term is! I’ve come to realize that I’ve never bought myself anything, so when I move I’m going to get a new dining room set, bedroom set and an area rug since I found out there’s no carpeting. Maybe a picture or two for the walls. But here’s my chance.

That just means I have to work even harder now to pay for it all! ๐Ÿ™‚

I’ve been doing a little so far, each day. I’m making myself do it, so I’m full on ready when that day comes. I want this place to be spotless, and I want the stuff to go fast. With all the wonderful friends that I have, it shouldn’t take long. This is by far going to be the easiest move I’ve ever had.

Who hoooooo to the future!

On that note, I’m off to take care of the dog mom duties of the morning … Have a great day, and thanks for stopping ๐Ÿ™‚

George and Weezy

I have had the Jeffersons theme song going through my head off and on for about a month now. One day, it started with two songs. That one, and “Sycronicity” by the Police. What a strange combination, I know, but it’s all starting to make sense.

The apartment I’m moving to faces East. The Rockies. It’s got all the upgrades that this place doesn’t have. I mean, you can tell I’ve been here as long as I have and it wasn’t fixed up before I got here. Which was fine for the most part, but it wasn’t until recently that I realized that I just can’t stand it anymore.

It’s not that it’s changed. It’s that I changed. It’s more that I have come to realize that I deserve better. I mean, I’m 47. I can afford to live in a place that looks better. Not only that, the biggest thing, is that it feels dingy.

When I moved in here, I moved in here in the midst of my depression. It was within the year, that I had my first real breakdown. I mean, I turned myself off of everything. I had to take a leave from work, and everything.

It wasn’t the high point in my life, but it was when I realized I couldn’t do it alone. I needed help. So, that was when I found the staff that helped me get on track. I don’t go there anymore, but I will recommend anyone to go there. I will go back, but honestly, the last time I went back, I brought my therapist a cup of coffee, and felt like I had to catch up with an old friend.

It was them though, that got me on the right track. Talking about things that I had always been afraid to talk about, that really… wasn’t bad at all. I let myself feel ashamed of things I had done, and they helped me with that forgiveness. After that, I found it on my own.

My point is, I’ve been here since then. I don’t want to be reminded of that darkness, because I still feel it here. No matter how many times I sage, vacuum, shampoo the rugs, that feeling NEVER goes away.

So, yeah, I decided that it’s okay for me to upgrade. My dad though… I think he’s worried about me, that I won’t be able to maintain a new place. This is going to be chapter 4. You can damn well believe that I’m not ever going to let myself feel that way again. If I can help it.

Mental health is something that people thank for granted. So many people have others that they depend on to get them through things, some people have themselves. I found that to be the case with me. Though people try to understand, they never completely get it. Because they’ve never been there themselves. And even if they have been, it’s different for all of us.

With that being said, I’m so excited for this upgrade. George and Weezy’s song is what’s going through my head, because I am movin’ on up… Because I’ve earned it, I deserve it, and so does Max. He wants that peace of mind too. I’m sure if I feel it, he does too.

The biggest worry for them though, is that they see old habits that remind them of someone else we all loved. But the thing is, she didn’t have the access to the things that we do now. And by golly, I’m going to be the best person I can be, for her, for me, and for … well, Me and Her. ๐Ÿ™‚ I want to show everyone that I’m not the lost cause that they thought I once was. I need to show my strength to be …. to quote the Army, all that I can be.

This isn’t as organized as I hoped it would be, but I’m really doing my best to get back into the habit of writing. Especially since I truly to want to share so someone out there might be able to find some hope when they feel like everyone’s given up. No one’s given up. It’s up to you to keep going. You got this.

A Move

I’ve been in this place for almost 10 years. When I first moved in, I recall it being not exactly honest with my family, which means they ended up helping me pay for something that I probably shouldn’t have done in the first place.

That was almost 10 years ago. Since then, I’ve had different people stay with me, and I’ve done what I thought was right at the moment, but that too, I realize I never should have done in the first place.

So, yesterday, I stopped at the front office to ask them about something that they sent notices out on. I started to talk to the manager about doing some new things in here, and he said … why not just move into a upgraded apartment.

The up grade apartments have updated appliances. And new cupboards. The stuff I have in here, I’m not kidding when I say that my stove is from 1974, as is the fridge. Okay, fine, maybe it was 1978, but my point is, they’re almost as old as I am.

I hate my kitchen, because I’ve never been able to get a grasp on it. I’m hoping that when I get to the new place, I won’t hate it as much. I don’t know why I dislike it so much, it’s not that big. But … I just never have been a fan. Therefore, I spend as little time there as possible.

I have been wanting to change, like by actually making meals instead of whatever eating habits I have this week. I’ve never been able to maintain a schedule. I have no real good reason, other than the hatred I have for my kitchen.

Also, I hate the carpet. I don’t ever sit out there anymore, meaning my dining room area or the living room. It feels dark and dirty. I wish I could understand why I feel that way about it, but I’m thinking it could be that I just want to see it that way so it gives me an excuse to get out.

10 years in one place … especially an apartment, isn’t all that great. I mean, yeah, I’ve had the stability of being in one place, but … I’ve also collected a lot of stuff. Luckily for me, I’ve been trying to get organized for awhile now, and I’ve been weeding stuff out for the last few years. But now, I’m coming up to the great Weeding of 2019.

Here’s my chance to leave even more behind.

I’ve already asked for the paper boxes at work. Where I’m moving to is actually in walking distance, and I don’t have to hire movers. Instead, I’ve got awesome friends that are going to help me walk everything over. Even the big stuff! I told them whatever I save in movers, I’ll share by paying a few bucks and getting pizza. Turns out the brother of my downstairs neighbor, loves moving. So, that just worked out for me!

I’ve already started to think about what’s going. I’ve already requested three days off from work, so I can do this move correctly. I’ve never done that… the last two moves were pretty spontaneous. This one though, I’ve decided, will be the last move before I go back to Wisconsin.

I’m thinking that this move, will also help with me lack of energy to walk to work. I’m thinking that I might even get to walking to work every days. When I walk out of my apartment, now it will be almost a straight shot to work. Now it’s a straight shot to my car.

I don’t know, but I feel really positive about all of it. For something that I wasn’t planning on doing yesterday when I woke up, this is going to be probably the best thing I’ve had for myself in a really long time. The thought of leaving the past behind me in this apartment, to start over new with just me and Max, no previous history … I am very excited about that part of this move.

NEW. In the words of Barney Stinson, new is always better. ๐Ÿ™‚

I had been planning a trip back home, but I think that’s postponed now. I’ll still go back, just not sure when this year. This is going to be my priority.

Anyway, that’s what I have going on right now. I’m more excited about this than I have been in a super long time. I’ve been wanting something like this for awhile, and when I was talking to the office, they knew that too. I’ve been talking to them about a change for almost 2 years. I wanted to spruce my place up…. and they need to spruce this place up. So, it worked out in the big picture.

Yay. I couldn’t be more thrilled.

On that note, I’m going to find a new drawer or something to clean out. Have a great day, and thanks for spending some time with me today. Happy Tuesday..

Coffee

… oh how I love thee.

I have come to realize that this is a point in life, there are a few things that I just might not ever be able to do without. Coffee is one of them.

There have been a few times at work that I was so … weird, for lack of a better word. Like my brain was slow, and I wasn’t able to get things to click as fast as usual. And it would dawn on me, I overslept and I didn’t get my coffee.

When do we become do dependent on things, to the point where we physically can not function without them? I don’t think it’s ever something we fully recognize, but I’m glad this one I did.

Plain and simple, I’m dumb when I don’t have my coffee.

I suppose that is part of the reason when I get up at 3:30 or 4 am, I’m insured of two of my little pots of coffee, and I feel like I can function. Max gets me out for a walk, and I’m okay. I can handle this day. I think. ๐Ÿ™‚

Changes

I’ve been thinking a lot about this blog. It’s nothing what I wanted it to be when I started it, but I haven’t given up on it. I’ve been getting things together to really start putting the game plan together.

When I started, what I wanted to do was just share my experiences with everything, in case someone out there was going to be able to benefit from my … stupidity most likely. If I could stop someone from doing something, and trying something sooner, that’s ideally what I wanted.

It’s really what I still want, but I haven’t really done the writing I’ve wanted to do over the last few years. Mostly because I wasn’t comfortable with myself yet. With anything really. But that’s not the case anymore.

First of all, I’m so glad that I finally have this keyboard. I LOVE it because it’s also a wonderful new case for my IPad. I didn’t by this IPad, it was a gift from my little brother. And I really never made it my own, I used the cases that he gave me. They’re both black. Which is fine. But then I got to thinking, it’s okay for me to do something nice for my IPad.

I love this thing. This iPad I mean. I never realized how much I really do enjoy using this, and now that I have this new case and keyboard… I’m so happy because its awesome. It’s nothing fancy, but the case is sturdy, and they all stay together, and my screen stands up perfectly. I’ve only had it a few hours, and this is the most I’ve typed on it, but so far I have no complaints. Usually by now, I’d have found the issues.

There are none. So, yay for that.

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching, and it really bothered me to see just how much about that band I really wrote about. Today, I couldn’t care less about any of that stuff. I mean, you know what I mean I hope.

It’s not their fault, that’s all my own. And now, I can focus on moving forward.

For starters, I figured out why I was so obsessed with that night on the cruise ship years ago with Ivan. It really had nothing to do with him, but it did have everything to do with the fact that I had a blast on the roulette table.

So, when I figured that out, I found myself a part time job doing casino parties. I dealt roulette, blackjack and honestly, really enjoyed myself. It was good money for the time that I spent, and really enjoyed meeting some nice people.

I think that when I figured that out, I was able to move past that whole thing. Because now, I feel content. Sincerely content.

Max is doing better than he has been. He’s lost weight and seems to really love the new snow fall. It scares me when I think he’s going to be 8 this year. But I’m thankful for every day I have. That creature. … makes me laugh every single day.

I’m also taking up a new hobby. I treated myself to watercolor paints this month. I’ve been wanting to get them for sometime, so since I did so well last month, I treated myself to them as well as this keyboard. Turns out my paints will last me the rest of my life since the tubes were HUGE. There are some nice colors, and I’m not sure what I’m going to work on first.

On that note, thanks for reading. I’m assuring you, I’ve got some big plans for the future on this blog. And there’s not backing down anymore. I’m done with the lack of follow through I’ve had in my life, and I’ve got things to prove now.

Things to see, places to go, people to meet. All of the above. Stay tuned for the more interesting side of me to come soon.

I’m seriously thinking about doing a blog about crop circles. They are interesting to me.

I got my keyboard!

I’m very excited to report that my new keyboard is here. I’ve been waiting a long time for this, and I couldn’t be more excited. I also have my new blogging workbooks, and I’m striving to do this, the write way, the way that people enjoy what i put here.

I am sooo excited!

Jeremy Spencer

I wondered how I’d re@ct when the news of a band member came out. I thought I’d be devastated, but I was honestly kind of relieved when Jeremy announced he left the band.

It wasn’t a secret that he had issues with his back. In fact last summer, I recall wishing that they’d take time off, one reason being Jeremy needed to take care of his back. But it was worse than I thought, and truthfully, I had begun to be concerned that he might end up … well paralyzed. I don’t know the extent of his back injury, but I can only imagine… and I pictured a whole lot of degenerated discs. Eventually, they’d be touching each other if he kept playing the way that he did.

Something tells me that this has plagued him for sometime. I even have some speculations about his performance last summer, but like I said …. the are only speculations. I was surprised that the skeleton costume was back.

I’m glad that he chose himself. Knowing what I do, which really isn’t much, he chose himself. It probably had to have been the hardest decision he’s ever made.

What bothers me now, is how everyone is talking about him in the past tense. Yes, he is no longer the drummer for 5FDP, but without him, there wouldn’t have been a 5FDP. One person said something and I think that’s what is sitting on my heart.

He’ll always be a part of the Knucklehead community, or something like that. Right, but there wouldn’t be one without him. And I don’t know why it bothered me. The guy who said it is my favorite fan. He is a good man, and he was being 100% sincere.

I guess I worry he’ll be forgotten in history. Kind of like the first guitar player. You never hear anything about him. People forgot about him because in walked Jason. Without Jason though, this all would have never happened. But still, he was the guitar player on the first album.

That’s probably why Never Enough never made it to the greatest hits album. Because of that guy. (Daryl? Darren?) see, I don’t even know! I don’t want that to happen to Jeremy I suppose.

I’ll follow him to see what happens, I do hope to cross paths with him again. I do see changes ahead, that’s for sure. Good for all involved.

It does bother me that I will see that thing you do studio scene playing out. I don’t know why though. I have nothing to base my feeling on… ๐Ÿ˜ž๐Ÿค•๐Ÿค”๐Ÿค”๐Ÿค”

My Bluetooth keyboard is officially retired. I will be getting a new one this weekend… ๐Ÿ‘

In my job, it’s not easy doing what I do. But I look at it differently than most, and this phrase is something I remind myself daily.

โ˜€๏ธ

Ivan

Ya know, I don’t understand myself. I’m 47 years old, and I’m single. I joke when people talk about it with me, I’m holding out for Ivan Moody.

Realistically, I’m not. But I have been single for 8 years. That’s kind of weird, don’t you think? Maybe not to some, but I haven’t really been looking either. The only males in my life during that time, were Max and Five Finger Death Punch.

I didn’t realize I had done it again. It’s easier for some one like me to feel feelings for a band, instead of one person. It’s what I’ve done since I was a teenager. I always had the day dreams about the band guys. I didn’t have any boyfriends in high school. I had no self esteem, and few friends. That was when I found pen palling.

I was weird even then. I was really a day dreamer, because it was just easier to cope. Reality really wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be. I had been dealing with hormone issues pretty much my entire life, and I didn’t realize that… until NOW. Now, as I’m starting to go through the change, and I’m actually feeling more sane than I ever have before.

I see things clearer now though. And though I tell people I’m joking about Ivan, I really don’t think I am. I mean, seriously, the best night of my life was with him. Seriously, that last night on ship rocked on the roulette table…

Because of that one night, I found myself a part time job. I am now dealing cards for casino parties here in Utah. I’ve done one so far, but the busy season is about to start. It’s going to be crazy. But this Friday night, I get to deal roulette. I’m so excited. I hope I can give some players the experience that I had on Shiprocked.

I ended that night with a 00, I cashed out on Ivan’s advice. I finished with the same $40 I started with. I made everyone money that night. The dealers. The players. Ivan’s dealers. I had the best time that night.

It’s not that I am trying to relive that night. I dealt in a casino for 3 years. I loved dealing, and the only reason I quit was because I moved out to Utah the first time. It’s fun interaction, and I really to miss the social aspect. I don’t socialize at all anymore. Ever it seems. I work. I come home.

It occurred to me after an issue I was having about my finances. I needed to figure something out. I needed to start banking more money, and I wanted more play money. I hate that I was so damn restricted, and for so many reasons, I felt like I was being treated like a damn kid. I needed to do something to find my freedom.

So I looked up dealing for parties, and wala. I have done one party so far, it turned out to be the biggest party that they’d ever done. It’s single deck blackjack on the blackjack tables. A lot of shuffling!

Honestly, there are a few things that make me speculate on if I’ve lost all my marbles, or if I really think that Ivan and I could go for coffee sometime.

He’s got a freakin awesome sense of humor. He’s generous. He’s been donating sleeping bags for homeless teens in each city they’re playing in. Honestly, I sincerely am so proud of him since he started this journey he’s on now. There was one picture of him that I seen on his Instagram page, of him and his dog. That picture told me, he’s happy in his life. He found that place, and I felt so happy for him.

I know it’s silly. But I’ve got nothing else right now. I don’t even know how to think about dating. I’ve never really done what you’ve called “dated”. Seriously. If I were to tell you about my love life, you’d understand why I’ve been single for 8 years.

I realize that a big reason is, I’ve been waiting for something real. I don’t want to be used, abused, taken for granted or any of that other crap. I don’t want drama. I want honesty, trust, and space. God knows, I’ll need my space. Years and years, I joked about a rock star boyfriend, but really, I think that would be ideal. I’m pretty sure he’d need his space too.

I hadn’t looked at this picture in a long time, but I brought it up yesterday. I was hugging that man so tight in this picture. He held up a poker game to take this. What a guy. ๐Ÿ™‚ Seriously, this really did mean a lot to me. Ivan and I had been friends on Facebook before this, and he welcomed me when he seen me on his way to the ship when the cruise started. He genuinely, is a nice man.

I also just noticed, that one chin is gone. Whoohooo!

I got on the scale the other day, and I seen a number I don’t remember ever seeing before. In a good way. It was wonderful.

I seriously could keep talking tonight. I think I got to thinking about love, and relationships because I talked to my ex’ boyfriend earlier tonight. He actually reached out to me, kindly. He’d recently lost his aunt, and I knew she thought of me fondly. He reminded me of that. It was a nice conversation, but I ended up feeling bad because I was thinking about things… I felt melancholy I suppose the word would be.

I don’t know why. It wasn’t until recently that I even really started to notice I hated being along ALL THE TIME. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love Max, but I don’t always understand what he’s trying to tell me!

But I wasn’t about to start looking to meet someone when I wasn’t in charge of my own finances. (I am not ready to talk about this yet.) I freaking had $20 a week. Does anyone know what $20 gets you these days? Not much that’s for sure.

I was seriously stressing out because it drove me nuts, and constantly being reminded that I owe them money, they did this for me they did that for me, it really started to bother me. Especially when the nice things that they did do for me, was being tossed back at me like “LOOK WHAT WE DID FOR YOU, NOW YOU OWE US.”

I didn’t ask for it, which is why it always bothered me so much. I was being treated nicely, only to be made to feel bad about it later. It was never just the nice gesture. It always came back ON me.

It was my fault that they didn’t go anywhere. Always worried about me. I’m such a screw up, I can’t be trusted. That’s what the words would insinuate. I’d had it. Simply had it. I resented being the blame.

So, that was when I looked for the card dealing gig. I also donate plasma 2x a week. I like the place I go to, if I get the right people. It’s a positive experience, because I’ve heard some wonderful stories from other donors about how plasma has either helped them, or helped others. Not to mention, it’s a good time to sit and actually watch tv. I don’t do that anymore. Ever it seems. TV is always on, but I rarely watch it. Like right now, Unsolved Mysteries is on.

I found the financial freedom at least. I have money most of the time, and I’m able to run to the store to pick something up if I need it. That’s amazing. Simply amazing.

Anyway, back to the original point, maybe I am joking about Ivan. Maybe I’m not. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say that he’s the one missing out if he doesn’t give me a shot. I’m damn interesting, and I’m cute. And I’m funny as hell.

Not to mention, I don’t drink alcohol. Coffee though, different ball game. ๐Ÿ˜‰

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