A Minute

I think that the main reason I haven’t been here more often as of late, is because this place is a reminder of how foolish Ive been in my life. The bands.

Most recently, I had an experience with a band that I had followed for 26 years. You see, I had been a follower of Jackyl for a long time. I met them years ago, in a parking lot when they were opening for the band Damn Yankees, you know the one with Tommy Shaw and Ted Nugent.

I had only heard one song of theirs before I seen them live. My mom and dad bought me their first release for Christmas that year. Turns out that there was a lot in my life going on at that time, none that I was actually aware of at that time.

I don’t really feel up to sharing that part of my life just yet. I don’t know who even reads this if anyone, and if there are people who knew me in my hometown at that time, really didn’t know about it.

Because of this part, I’m pretty sure that was why I attached myself to that band, and Jeff Worley.

It angers me beyond belief to realize it took me this long to figure out that part. Seeing them this last time, made me realize what sorts of dickheads I wasted way too much time on money on. (Excuse my language, but I’ll tell you why I’m using such language shortly)

I have no regrets where Chris Worley or Roman Glick are concerned. Though I still don’t know Roman, he’s a always been pleasant with me, and he’s a damn good bass player. I love to watch him, he’s entertaining.

Chris. Well, Chris has always been very nice, and real to me. Genuine. Even if he didn’t like me, I never knew that. For that, I’m thankful.

But where the other two are concerned. Wow. Wow. Wow. Talk about thinking they’re all that an then some. Who in the hell do they think that they are? They think that they are rockstars and above us wee folk.

At least that’s how they acted with me.

Talk about disappointing. But I got my peace.

I was surprised that I did it really, but after I did…. Wow, I felt pretty amazing!

I wrote a letter to Chris Worley last week. In this letter, I gave him the pictures I had hoped to give both him and Jeff at the show in April. But I had to go through that damn line, and well, they weren’t given to him. I went through the other pictures I had, and found a pile to send along, because I realized… I don’t want to remember that crap anymore. I ripped up a lot of them, but I thought Chris would at least appreciate looking at them. Pictures of Virgil when they did Super V at McPs in Clemson.

I told him this is how I wanted to remember this chapter. I don’t want to remember all the time I wasted on Jackyl. I wanted to remember Super V. I also reminded him that out of all the shows that I’d been to, I had paid for all of those shows. And the fact that I couldn’t get five minutes… well, I needed him to let his brother know that his behavior was …. well, pretty disgusting in my opinion. Jesse’s too. I had $58 to my name that morning, for a week and a half, and I spent $34 on that ticket. I didn’t have any money for merchandise. And to be IGNORED because of that fact. Acted like he didn’t even see me, SCREW YOU JESSE DUPREE.

Anyway, also the best part of this letter was… I sent Jeff’s book back with the letter, and stated maybe Jeff could get a few bucks back for resale because it’s worthless to me now.

I went and mailed it out that day. And I smiled when I dropped it in the box. I did not realize how good that would make me feel. It was amazing to tell someone how much of an asshole they really were, without actually saying those exact words.

Wow. I realized that he really did think he was that great, but … wow, dude, Jeff….. you wouldn’t be anything without the people who pay for your tickets. You seemed to have forgotten that, Mr. Freaking ROCKSTAR.

I sent it to Jeff’s painting studio or whatever it is. he’s got paintings on sale on that website anyway. Uh, let’s just say, I wouldn’t pay for any of those. People will pay for them though because of that rockstar billing behind it. Someone needs to remind him where he started.

As for Jesse, I’ve got one word. Douchebag.

Then there’s the whole 5FDP obsession thing. Wow.. That was scary. I really didn’t see it as a problem. But I can tell you the exact moment I realized what it was. When Ivan got his head and face tattoos. I realized what he’s doing, and well, I didn’t want to watch it. I don’t want to see what’s going on in his life. Any of their lives. Because it doesn’t make me fell any better seeing such stupidity. *Sorry but that head tattoo was a breaking point. Stop with the tattoos, man. You’ve just turned one problem into another one, and well, you look like an idiot.

Just my opinion. But you do. Red Dragon, what in the hell were you thinking?

I actually unfollowed them all on that day. I really don’t want to know anything. I dont’ want to give them anymore of my money if that’s what they’re going to do with what we give them.

However, they have song on that new album, “And Justice for None”.

If it doesn’t automatically come up, please click on it. It’s a song called I Refuse. It’s also a lyric video that goes along with the music, and I will tell you that every album they have one that is just perfect for me. Singing along with the words encourages me. For that, I will always be grateful for that band. Thank you Five Finger Death Punch. Together, you have gotten me through a lot of shit. Thank you.

And you always help with my courage. I’m braver because of the music you play. Thank you.

And Jason Hook sounds so wonderful in the middle of the song… that acoustic…

Jason still makes my heart skip a beat, but I’m a realist. More than I’ve ever been before.


Before I go further, I am a novice. I’m still working out the kinks, and I know that when I figure it all out, it’s all going to be a great place.  But I’m having a hard time loading this site into Bluehost. It tries to come here, and I get nothing but a blank screen. I’ll go back and find the help in a few minutes, but ….  I miss the easier days.

I know in the world today, every one thinks this way is easier. Putting it in a library for us to read and figure it out.  Honestly, right now, I’d rather have someone standing in front of me, explaining it as I go. I do so much better with that way of learning.  It sticks better.  With my eye sight, I have to read and read, and then read it a few more times for it all to click. I need new glasses, and do intend to get them before the end of the year, but … I’d much rather have a teacher for this.

That’s old fashioned, I realize this. I guess the older I get, the more old school I realize I am. Though the technology is wonderful, I do miss the old days. Yes, I said it. I miss the old days. The days of sitting on the bank steps with friends, instead of  staring at cell phones.

I miss it, yes I do. I miss it because it was really … real. The screens in front of us are great and all, but let’s not forget, we’re real people too. We weren’t meant to stare at screens all day.

As I sit here, in front of the screen.  On that note, I’m off for awhile. I’ll be back though. I’m determined to get to figuring out Bluehost. It really is an easy site, I’m just … old school. I don’t want to click to click to click. Bottom line though, it will be worth it in the end.  Again, Bluehost, no disrespect. I’ll get it, and I know I’ll love you when I do. However, this is just me … being stubborn. Thank you for the opportunity to learn more about you, so I can get this thing up and running.


sunset sun horizon priroda
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Day Dreaming

I do enjoy day dreaming. Sometimes I get carried away, but eventually I tend to come back to myself.

Right now, I’m day dreaming about what I want to do for the rest of my life. I’ve decided one thing, I want to help my home town.

Here, I don’t make a difference. I don’t make a difference outside of my family. I have a choice of everything as to where I go, and it doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t.

Home. It’s not like that. I know it’s much smaller since the mine closed, and I’ve always dreamt about going back, because I want to give back to that community.

That’s what I’m dreaming about. I’m going home this month, and I can’t even do anything that I will have wanted to do, because my numbers didn’t come through. I’ll be lucky to have any money. Much less be able to buy anything, or start the savings account that I wanted to start in the old bank I grew up with a savings account in.

It’s just disappointing. I’m actually thinking about doing a GoFundMe page for that place, because I want what it used to be to come back. Not that Ewen was ever a metropolis, but at least people lived there. They have the school, but there’s no business, and that shouldn’t be the case.

I miss my home town. What I’ve really begun to realize that I appreciated growing up there. It was a busy area at one point, for the snowmobiles, hunting, and always the log jamboree!

I’ve always been passionate about what I care about, and maybe now that I’m getting older, I can appreciate what it once was, and maybe all that promoting I’ve done in my lifetime, will help me get some business back there, in my home town.

Yeah, that’s what I’m day dreaming about these days. I could make a difference there. That’s where I’m intending to go with in the next few years.

Then there’s the Jason Hook daydream. Yeah, he inspired me a few weeks ago, with a short note on Facebook. I’m sure it was his standard message saying hey follow me over here. (Indicating Send me a message on Instagram, that’s where I am most of the time)

So, stupid me… went to his page, refollowed him and unblocked him. Yes, I blocked him. Because I know ME. It had nothing to do with him. I’d love it if he found me interesting enough to follow. But he doesn’t so I saved myself some heart break for awhile. It’s been nice, i didn’t realize how much they had really filtered into my life. That was me.

I didn’t have anything for awhile, that’s why I was attached to them. Yes, all of them. But again, it was a matter that I didn’t make a difference there, and it bothered me. I did what I had to do for my peace of mind.

I hate social media in that way, that it helps us become that way.

But back to Jason, so I went to the instagram page, and seen that he was in a helicopter with another one of his chickies. She was talking but I didnt’ turn the volume on. Because really, I’m 100% confident I’ll never see her again, as I won’t be looking at his page again any time soon.

It got me thinking, and no offense to Jason, keep in mind that when I right this, it was just a movie idea I had. Inspired by him. So I sent him a suggestion about the helicopter. Now, I have to wait the rest of my life to find out if he ever meets Ms. Right, and does it! I hope he does. Someone that can hold conversations maybe? That wouldn’t be afraid to put him in his place when she needed to. I think when he finds that one, she’s going to have him whipped. 🙂 I hope so. He needs someone real to inspire him.

Even in my day dreams, that’s not me.

I did however meet some interesting people a few weeks back. Bang Tango and Faster Pussycat were at the Royal. I had such a blast that night. I felt like a social butterfly. I don’t know what it is about a show but it’s almost like i have to meet everyone and their moms. Especially when it is a smaller show. That one was tiny. But I had a great time.

I met the bass player for Faster Pussycat first, because I went up to him thinking he was Marcus, as in Marcus in the Morning fame. It wasn’t, and I felt like an asshole. I also met the guitar player, Xristian. I talked for a few minutes, felt like an ass, and went back to my spot. Sent Mark a text letting him know that I was finally at a FP show. (I will admit now, that any time they are in Salt Lake I’m going to make it a point to go. I fell in love that night, with some really great people!) It was pretty fun.

I ended up knowing way more FP than i thought I did. It was the first two albums, maybe three that they played,a nd that was when I did like them. I didn’t realize I still knew word for word, the song House of Pain. It always reminded me of someone close to me. I must have looked like I was about to start crying, Danny blew me a smooch, and I know I instantly smiled. Then …. the only interaction that Taime had with the crowd that night… he put the microphone to me so I could sing the chorus of House of Pain. And boy did I. I was already singing it. That made me warm and fuzzy.

It was a fun show. Everyone I met, inside, outside, bathroom, parking lot… were amazing people, and made my night fun. I met Joe Leste from Bang Tango, I think I surprised him when I said I’d seen him with Beautiful Creatures.

When I left, I thanked everyone I could for the time I had, got hugs and handshakes from everyone along the way. I truly wish I could have an experience like that more often. I didn’t get one picture taken, I’ve decided …. I’ll take it when the moment really calls for it. They don’t want it any more than I do, right?

And so it begins

I can’t pretend I know what this is all going to turn itno, but it’s officially my goal to be a writer. Not just once and a while, but a daily writer. I’ve made up my mind that I want to help people in little ways, because… well, it’s the right thing to do.

I had a frustrating month at work. Not because of anyone, or anything in particular. It’s because I know I worked very hard, and in the end, it didn’t even matter.  (Cue Five Finger Death Punch, “It Doesn’t Matter”)

It’s rough working so hard, and not getting rewarded for it.  That’s what the hard work is supposed to do, reward me! But instead, it screwed with me, right up until the last minute of the day yesterday. That’s a yo yo I have decided that I don’t want for the rest of my life.

There’s nothing that anyone could have done, so my bitching is more towards myself. But deep down, there’s not much more I could have done. Really. Sitting at my desk for 8 hours a day, staring at the screen in front of me, trying desperately to find some way to make things better for myself…  And what it boils down to, I don’t know.

I honestly don’t want to talk about what I do for a living, that’s not my point.  It’s the same case in anyone else’s place of employment. Someone some where can relate to this statement. What else could I have done to be better?

It’s disappointing, when you feel like more of a failure at the end of the month.  Like you know what you did. YOu know that you did all that you could, and your focus had been on your job, and your job only for the most part.

Someone else benefited from your hard work though. Good for htem, but what about me? I’m the one that can’t even live pay check to pay check for the last two months, because I had to ask my parents for help.

I don’t have help like other people. I don’t have a significant other that helps with the household expenses. Or I don’t live with my parents. I don’t have a roommate. I have one dog, and my expenses are minimum. But if I still have to ask for help, it’s frustrating!  My wages don’t even cover rent lately.

I knew going in that it could be like this. But I’ve been there for year and a half, and I’m still not there. I don’t know what else I can do to make ends meet. I donate plasma from time to time. I have my casino parties part time.  I honestly thought that at this point in my life things would be so different.

I see it now though, the success will be coming. I finally got a tool that the top people had a year before the rest of us.  So, it’s kind of frustrating knowing that.  They got better because they had that access, and I literally had to wait MONTHS for the things that they had at their finger tips.  I admit, since I’ve been using it, I see the advantage, but I can’t help but be resentful lately.

Because I have to deal with the glare from my manager, because my numbers are so low. Yeah, did you even look at the work I did? No, it’s all about the numbers. NUMBERS, NUMBERS, NUMBERS.

I get it, numbers, numbers, numbers. And the 125 phone calls I made before 1 yesterday, should show my attempt at numbers.

I’m not a slacker, and I resent that feeling that I am.

So, I’m torn, What do I do? I actually really enjoy my job, but I’m realizing, I can’t live on what I’m making, and this job is actually starting to put me in debt. That shouldn’t happen. Ever.

If I had the guts, I’d love to ask for a 50 cent raise for all of us. But people have asked for raises and ended up leaving instead.  I think that it was because they asked for only themselves.   What if I asked for all of us?

I’m not even going to bother, because I don’t feel it will ever be taken to heart.  It’s hard to make people who have the money, understand that what we’re getting paid, isn’t what the rest of us can afford, in today’s cost of living.

I’m 47. I really shouldn’t ever have to ask for help. I really should be stable. But I’m not.  Nor do I even feel it. It would be different if I felt like I didn’t work for it. But I do, and that’s why I’m having such a hard time. I really don’t want to find another desk job. If I don’t do that, I want to write.

So I guess that’s what I mean by so it begins… I’m not going to keep making everyone else money. My goal is to be a writer, a successful one, for myself, and every one who’s ever known me.

I do feel this is my one true love.  I finally had to admit it so I can do something about it.


An evening at home

Two pictures from my porch. Max loves laying on the lawn, so it’s usually how he spends his evenings.

The new place is coming along nicely. It has been taking some getting used to though, but I know that has everything to do with the fact that I was in the other place for almost nine years.

I’ve overwhelmed myself again. I seem to do that a lot. I don’t set out to do that, but before I know it, I’ve got way too much on my plate, and I’m not doing anything. Today, I learned a new lesson for myself. I’ve been trying it for some time, and I do seem to get more accomplished in a day using this new system. Five chores at a time.

I make a list of five things, and do one at a time. I did make one list that was not working for me though, and I make a list of five new things. I’m not done for the day, but Max and I seemed to have gotten side tracked and I didn’t do as much as I would have liked to. But like I said, the days not over.

Things are better in a lot of ways, but I had a few rude awakenings lately. I’m not as smart as I thought I had become, but … I haven’t given up yet. Not yet anyway. I feel more positive than I have in awhile. I’m seeing things clearer than I have in a very long time. If ever.

A big part of what I’m becoming, is because of my parents. I’ve always thought I lived the best life… one that I thought they’d appreciate for me. But I know that I haven’t exactly been one to show that I’m really trying. I say it all the time, but what do I have to show for my efforts?

I’ve got a better feeling about things, than I have in a long time. And if I’m not feeling good about things, it’s usually something else to blame. Eating wrong. Hormones. Not taking my meds. No caffeine. Whatever the reason, there is a reason. And it’s up to me to figure it out before I react.

It really is a beautiful night. I love this view much better than the parking lot view before.

One of the projects I had been trying to work on, I was trying to come with a list of road side attractions in Utah to start writing about. Once I did that, I froze.

Right now, there’s another … episode that I’m trying to help a friend with. At least I want to.

I don’t know how you feel about this, and actually, I’m not really sure how I feel either. But I have a friend that has a demon in her house.

To say that, feels just as crazy as it probably sounds. But I don’t have a clue what to do to help her.

There aren’t really any groups that I’ve found here in Salt Lake. None that appear to be legitimate that I’ve found anyway. 20 years ago, I knew people. I knew that Utah
Ghost Hunter Society. Right before I moved to Milwaukee, they had asked me to front their Riverton group.

I was interested in that stuff here, but when I moved to Milwaukee, Colette and I got wrapped up in the rock n roll scene, and it fell to the weighside.

Since then, I’ve thought about getting back into the scene, just for investigation. It’s interesting to hear those other voices on the tape that you know weren’t there when you walking. (EVP).

But this one’s a whole different thing ball game.

I’m not going to lie. I haven’t watched Ghost Adventures in years. In fact, I can tell you the episode that made me turn it off, and not watch it again for many years… it was the guy in Ogden. I didn’t believe him at all, and I was disappointed in the guys. Really? There weren’t any better places to go?

But … I still believe that those guys do that, so I wrote Zak Bagans a letter for her, and asked her to call her. If nothing else, if he knows anything about anyone up here that can help her.

That’s been throwing me for a loop, because I haven’t thought about that stuff in years. Literally. But it always interested me. But living alone, I never dove back in.

I don’t know that’s got me perplexed.

On that note, I suppose it’s back inside for me. Thanks for reading. 🙂

My friend, the Roku

I guess this one is for my friends that pay way too much for their tv viewing. I love the Roku, and am very glad for this tiny little gadget.

The most recent reason I love this thing, is for a channel that I was introduced to. The Pluto Channel.

My brother told me about the channel, because it’s like a cable grid of channels. If you like shows like Forensic Files or Unsolved Mysteries, these channels inside of this channel will play these shows for 24 hours a day.

In addition to these channels, they also have music channels. Up until today, I really never explored all that was on there. But I didn’t want to listen to talking, I wanted to listen to tunes.

I have Amazon music, I have Pandora, but I just was flipping through the Pluto TV channels. I found these beauties. There’s a station for the Rat Pack, oldies, you know the normal ones. I stopped on one called the Strip, and read about it being a part of sunset strip music scene in the 80s.

Holy moly, does this station ROCK! There was one song that was beginning, that sounded familiar. I didn’t think it could be that song though, I hadn’t heard it in 20 years! I got up to look at the name on the screen.

“Hot Cherie” by the band, Hardline.

I know you haven’t heard that song, because I haven’t heard it in 20 years. Unless of course you were an 80s music junkie like myself.

This little device cost me I think 20 or 30 bucks, but I will tell you, that has saved me more than I ever even thought. Because I really don’t watch much tv. The Walking Dead season, completely different story, but otherwise, I really don’t have shows that I watch. I have tv on for back ground noise, they’re all so familiar now… so it’s perfect for me. This one that I’m sharing, is one of the fancy voice ones. Still a decent price.

Other channels that I utilize. Pandora. Amazon Prime. (I’m going to pay for the the service anyway, I’m going to utilize what tv I get. However, the quality of Amazon Prime tv is not what it once was. The Pluto Channel. The Roku Channel. Those last two channels have many, many tv shows and movies. All you get is a few blocks of commercials. Four at a time. I watched Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, with Gene Wilder thank you very much, the other day before work. It was wonderful!

If you’re looking to save some money, and don’t want to have $200 tv bills, sincerely look into the Roku. I love mine, so much that I now have two. I think I’ll always have one since I’ll always have the internet.

Thank you, Roku inventors and investors!!

New York and How I Met Your Mother

A friend reached out to me yesterday about going somewhere new. She wanted an adventure, and I agreed, it sounded like an awesome idea!

Of all places, she suggested New York. New York? I never had the notion to go to New York, until I got to thinking about all the things that are there.

And to boot, Ted Mosby crossed my mind.

Yes, I know, another tv reference. I genuinely liked Ted though. He and I are actually quite alike. This reference leads to when he was moving out of New York, and he had his goodbye to New York list.

Once I started to think about that list, and all the places that I would want to see if I ever when to the Big Potato. (Rose Nyland reference for those Golden Girls fans), the trip started to plan itself.

We work together, my friend and I, and we needed something to work for. So, New York City it is!

It’s probably not a place that I’d go again, so this is going to be fun to try to make the most of it in that city. Now that the move is over, I needed something else to look forward to.

If you have any must dos for this city, please share! I’ve got the list started, Ground Zero, Statue of Liberty, Hard Rock… those are just a few. I’m determined the list needs to be big to see just how much we can cram into those four or five days.