Tangier – The Band

My friend Brandy posted and shared a memory with me today. It was a post of a picture of the song Ripcord by the band, Tangier. They weren’t a huge band, but there was a time, where my friend and I made Tangier history. We, then known as the Yooper Whoredogs, made them their very first banner, in Marquette, MI.

I’m hoping to get to visit with my friend the next time I get back to Michigan, when ever that may be. I’ve already made up my mind, before I’m 55, I hope to be back there.

It’s hard to believe that the age, really isn’t all that far away. I’m going to be 50 in three years. THREE YEARS! It sometimes hit me a little hard, because I don’t feel that old. But I know I am, and wish I could remember more of the past. But then I realize, I didn’t do all that much to remember.

I’m changing that though, I’m making some plans. I’ve got a weekend getaway planned for Las Vegas in October, over my birthday. I have plans to audition for Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I’m hoping I can win a place in the heart of America. šŸ™‚ Seriously, why not. If I don’t get on, at least I can say I auditioned for a game show. Why the hell not.

That same weekend, I intend to go to the Mob Museum, Criss Angel, and the Luxor buffet, and the Mandolin Bay aquarium. I don’t need to gamble, and I really don’t want to. I want to see things.

I’m playing Pop Slots to get my loyalty points. I really just don’t enjoy MyVegas slots anymore. The one I always play, is return to Oz. I don’t know why, because it’s not exciting. Probably because it’s on the first screen. šŸ™‚

I’ve got a friend coming into work for an interview tomorrow. I think she’ll do great, and will work hard. I know she’s got it in her. Not to mention, if things work out, I’ll get that referral! šŸ™‚

Have a swell evening.


What’s weird to me, is I’ve got Alf playing on the Roku channel. I was a kid living in Ewen, fighting over what to watch on a Monday night when this show was on. And two episodes now, have referenced Roseanne Barr and her mouth. That should tell you that she’s been like this for a really, really long time. I WAS A KID. Living with mom and dad. So funny!

I can’t help but feel bad a little bit for her. Because she’s been herself. She never put on any fronts. And everyone read into what they wanted to read into. I’m not defending her words at all, but it’s sad to me that she’s always been herself, and suddenly, social media put this horrible twist on her.

I’ve been thinking about the boys coming in July. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to see them live. I do. Do I ever. But I dont’ want to sit through three bands to get to them. Especially since once of them is one band that I really just don’t like musically. I’ve never, ever in my life liked Breaking Benjamin. No offense to them, they just aren’t a band I like. I don’t want to bash them, I just don’t enjoy them. Doesn’t mean I don’t respect what they do, because I know they have a lot of fans. They’re just not for me.

It’s also July 21. It’s only June 10th, and every day this week has been over 90 degrees. I am not going to be able to handle a day out in the sun in the middle of the July. I can’t even handle 15 minutes in the sun during the work day! Even if I didn’t go until closer to the time that the band took the stage, that’s just …. well an experience I’d like to have. If I had a group of people to go with, maybe it would be different. I actually think that would make all the difference in the world. Not going to lie, I could do that.

I remember one of the Cruefests I went to. Probably the first one I went to, with someone I met online. My friend Christine. I met her through of all places, MySpace. She flew out for the show, I really had a great time, and we met some crazies in the parking lot. That was a lot of fun! That’s the kind of concert experience I’d like to have for Five Finger Death Punch.

(Third episode with a Roseanne Barr reference. Alf Season 4.)

Someone brings a grill. Someone brings a cooler for the beverages, someone else brings bags of ice. That’s what I want for a Five Finger Death Punch concert.

I realized that I brought those guys into my life, and I didn’t mean to. They’d become so much more valuable to me than just as a band. I took them all personally, because I knew that Chris and Ivan were genuinely good guys, Zoltan was … Zoltan, Jason wanted to be a Rock Star, and Jeremy was following because he was living the life he’d worked so hard for. Pain and all.

I took a lot of their things personally. That whole lawsuit, what bothered me the most when I looked into it, was knowing who said what. Jason Hook … never put on any fronts, and it bothered me when I realized the truth. He was doing what he wanted for himself, and that’s not a bad thing. It bothered me when I realized he wasn’t who I’d hoped he was.

That’s unfair to him. Because really. To me, all he should be, is the guitarist of my favorite band. I’m grateful now, and will always be grateful, for the day he joined that band. If it wasn’t for him, they wouldn’t have given me what I needed to find what was in me all along. He doesn’t owe me anything, and all I owe him, is the respect of the musician that I know him to be. He’s been nothing but nice to me. And he didn’t have to be….

I really did want to send Jeremy Spencer a message through Instagram though, but I promised myself I wouldn’t bother him anymore. I didn’t have a reason to, but I did wonder. … Did Hall and Oates actually have a drummer at the show his dad took him to, or was it a drum machine. I’m thinking that they had an actual drummer though, but the song I heard yesterday, it was so obvious that it was a drum machine. I guess that’s a question for if the day ever comes that he and I do cross patches.

I don’t know what I’d talk to Z about. He kind of intimidates me for some reason. I think it’s cuz he is so showy, and I really have nothing in common with him. However, I’d like to ask about the Africa trips he’s taken. He was on a TV show about elephants, and I was curious about that. I believe he does work with some agencies over there to work on protection of elephants against poaching for their ivory.

But anyway, there I go again. If I could have any time for say an hour or so with anyone, I’d like to play cards and have coffee with Ivan. Unless he’s not doing that anymore. I think he’d be the easiest to bullshit with, not to mention, I know that he and I could easily find conversation. Even if it is to say things that needed to be said. Trust me, if anyone has anything to say to me, he does. I will have deserved it too. That’s all I’ll say.

I wouldn’t mind going to see them, if I had a group of people to go with. I don’t want to stand through three band to get to the one I want. I want to be able to have a social activity before hand. I miss that experience the most I’ve come to realize.

I was talking to one of my neighbors about the Shinedown show. I would love to go see Shinedown. Give Like a Storm some support from the crowd. They’re such wonderful gents. I really enjoyed meeting them, and I wouldn’t mind talking to those New Zealand boys about the Southern Lights. Every time I meet someone from New Zealand, I ask about it! I’ve yet to find someone who’s actually seen them.

I think I’m going to do my postcrossing again. I really enjoyed it, but things just haven’t been enjoyable for the last year. I don’t have anything that I truly enjoy. I wish I did. I’ve been looking. Max’s injury really got me worried, and though he’s better, he’s never going to be the puppy he once was. And I blame myself for that. I still remember the injury that I know caused this arthritis.

Because of that, it helped me figure out an issue I’ve been having myself. For the last I’d say six or seven years, I’ve been having this burning sensation that I believed to be an ovary issue. It’s the same spot, and it seemed to be appearing during my “cycle”. So, thinking it was a cyst, I let it be.

Thinking about Max and that injury, I did some kind of web search, and found a site that talked about displaced back pain. I read the site’s offerings, and I got to thinking about an injury of mine from my days of working at the casino. I fell on concrete, ice covered. I probably broke or cracked my tailbone, because that bad boy hurt for a really, really long time. Sometimes it still even bothers me, but I never gave it much thought.

Until I read that page. It made sense, that the injury is causing this now burning sensation. I went through tests up on tests back then to figure it out, to never have a diagnosis, only to figure it out now?

Maybe it’s not my back, but it makes sense now, and I’ve just “suffered through it” after all that testing. And with the realization, I’ve got a few things that I’ve changed since I realized this, that have actually worked. Like right now, the chair I’m sitting in.

Weird. Weird, weird, weird.

Well, I’m off. I’ve got a tomato to transplant, a vacuum belt to replace, a dishwasher to load, laundry to sort…. and a decision to make on if I’m going to tuff out the next three seasons of House. I found where I stopped watching it back then, because right now, I don’t want to continue. Which was sad, they could have taken House in so many directions. To the “Nut House” wasn’t their best decision.

I’ve only got a week left on the Prime Video, so if I’m going to do it, it’s now or never.

But first … I think I’ll turn on some Pandora, to listen to some 70s lite. I hope it’s light on the Carpenters today….


Iā€™m sick of sitting home on Saturday night

It’s not like I have to have a wild mad cap life, by any means. But I’m pretty sick of always sitting at home. I also however, do not enjoy the company of all of my neighbors. The peeps downstairs, are good peeps. But they’re younger than I am. They’ve also got little ones. Max doesn’t like their puppy, and the only reason I can think of, is the fact that he is only a year old. Max forgets he was once that young.. šŸ™‚

They’ve got good dogs too, and I enjoy them. However, today, I really didn’t want to be around anyone today. I really just don’t feel like socializing.

I’ve come to not enjoy city life anymore. I really don’t want to be in the city much longer. Not that I’ve got any crazy plans, but I don’t enjoy what this country is coming to.

Which really, makes me sad, because I think of all the vets that fought for this country. I bet they look at what it became and wonder where things went wrong. Some of them anyway. I really can’t believe Donald Trump is in the White House. Dear America, what in the HELL were you thinking? He was on TV, and you voted him in on that alone.

At least Hilary wouldn’t have made a social spectacle of herself. Personally, I would have voted Obama in for a third term if I could have. I honestly, just genuinely liked the guy. He tried like hell anyway.

Makes me sad, knowing that so many people who believed in this country… probably feel like they’ve been kicked in the gut. At least that’s the way I perceive it to be. I hate politics. I hate social media.

I’m not going to lie either, this thing with #roseannebarr really has me peeved a bit too. I’m not agreeing with calling people names in social media, don’t get me wrong, but don’t you think that the country kind of freaked out just a wee much over that? The only thing that comes to mind for me on that one is this… Roseanne didn’t change. Social Media did. Tom Arnold can attest to that, Roseanne’s always been a bitch who smack talks and says what she thinks.

She’s been that way since she made her presence known! She’s always talked shit. ALWAYS. Don’t you think that kind of got blown out of proportion? Just a wee bit? The thing is, the way she said it, they all should know DAMN WELL that was NOT what she meant. I wouldn’t have even thought of that UNTIL YOU THREW IT IN MY FACE, MEDIA!!!

My mom had to explain it to me, seriously. And then it pissed me off even more, because … that wasn’t what she meant.


This is my point. This is the shit that’s news. I don’t care about this stuff. No offense Roseanne, I don’t. But I do care about the fact that you’re getting your freedom of speech ripped out from underneath you. I suppose at a time like this, you’ve found out who your friends are. I hope that some of them are still able to sit down with you, and laugh about the stupidity of the world today.

It makes me realize that I really need to get out of the city. There’s not a doubt in my mind now, that I will be back in either Northern Michigan or Northern Wisconsin. I do not want to be in the city for more than another five to ten years.

Granted, I would probably be doing this same thing on a Saturday night there. But … maybe I wouldn’t be. I haven’t met someone I’d be interested in hanging out. The one I thought I had met, turned out to be much more of a fan of hanging out in a bar than at home after awhile, and … well, I guess I seen the true colors on that side. That’s all right, I really don’t enjoy hanging around alcohol all that much anyway.

I’d really like to find a pen pal. A guy pen pal. One back in that area. Someone I can get to know for about five years, and then move back there when the time’s right. I don’t want to have someone around all the time, because I am not used to it, and I don’t want to jump head first into anything. I’d like to get to know someone by exchanging letters first for awhile, then maybe an email or two. Maybe then a phone call, and in two years, possibly meet up. That’s not asking too much is it? I didn’t think so.

I’m going to talk about something now, that I haven’t talked about in a very, very long time. I don’t think he pays any attention to me, but after I reached out to him, and found that he was married with kids, I understood the Mrs. perspective, and stopped talking to him.

He broke my heart. His name was Jesse, and I met him as a pen pal through Metal Edge magazine. There were several times that he called and said he was coming to the UP, only for my heart to be broken when I didn’t hear from him for weeks. Not going to lie, Jesse was probably my first real … Love? I don’t know what you’d call it since we never met.

But we were supposed to. Once and for all. I was living in Milwaukee and Colette and I drove up for the weekend. Jesse and I had arranged to meet. I let him know that I knew the guitarist, thinking that he would talk to him if there were any issues on if we were coming. Chris knew that when we said we were coming, we were coming.

Colette and I didn’t get there until 9:30. I thought it was understood that we were going to be there. No matter what time it was, we’d be there. 9:30.

I waited until 3 am. He never showed up. Talk about being heart broken.

Only to find out later, that he was there, and he left at 8:30.

At that point, we had been friends for years. YEARS. I never could forgive that. I don’t know why it bothered me so much, and I guess, still does… but it does. I always thought that I was more than a friend to Jesse. And it really bothered me that he was in the same city, and never even bothered to meet me. Even if he didn’t like me that way, I thought we were at least friends.

I guess, that’s why it was so easy to believe it was Josh Todd that reached out to me after my Seattle/Portland shows in 2001.

That’s a story for another time…

But … I realize now, Jesse … really hurt my feelings. What a jerk.

But that’s besides the point. I’m just rambling now.

I really, just want a place to go on Saturday nights. Even if it’s to someone’s house, to play poker!

Off an inch or two

I took a nap today, and i woke off feeling off center. That’s usually what happens when i take a nap.

I’m not sure what it is.

But something doesn’t feel right. I feel upset because I took Max up to Millcreek Canyon and of course, even up in the mountains, I can find the one jerk. I was sad when I left there because someone kicked at him. It bothered me a whole lot, and makes me not want to be in a city atmosphere anymore.

I already know that I’m going back to Michigan eventually. That’s the goal, ten years from now. Sooner than later, I do not want to be in a city anymore.

I’m sick and tired of rude people. Seriously, sick and tired! They are everywhere. I know I have to deal with it in my job. But every where else is just sickening. I don’t want to be here anymore, because every one thinks that they can be rude, and obnoxious. There is no such thing as common courtesy anymore.

I joked when I seen the world becoming the walking dead… but it is still very possible. I hate that I see the world becoming what it is. Or maybe it’s America. I was thinking about JFK last night as I was driving, and what he would think about the world today. “Think not what you can do for your country, ask what your country can do for you.” And the answer to that would be so sad now.

To watch the freedom of speech mean pretty much nothing now. Not to mention, this right to bear arms. How in the hell do these kids get these guns? I know that the those words didn’t mean for kids to be able to go to school and shoot other kids! How in the hell does that happen? I don’t understand. When people who are behind these rights, trying to protect their rights…. this isn’t what they’re trying to protect! HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?

The guy who invented the internet, never wanted it to be used for this kind of stuff. He didn’t want it to be there for people to watch pornography, learn how to kill other people, or any of that wack crap. That was NOT what it was meant for.

When the first test tube baby was born, it probably wasn’t expected to be like a making babies vending machines now. All of the different things that have come into the world that are so unnecessary…. the force of nature no longer exists. Because of everything that exists.

I can’t help but feel overwhelmed by that.

I think that’s part of the reason I’ve had problems sleeping. I don’t like to think about this stuff, but it’s just been so in front of me lately.

Lil bro’s going back to Michigan to see Big Bro and some friends. I’m excited for him, but I will admit that I’m jealous. I haven’t been back for awhile myself. He deserves it though, but I am still jealous. šŸ™‚

Have a good night.


I’ve come to realize that my preferred tunes these days is 70’s Lite Rock. Like right now the Commodores are playing, and I must have heard this song 15 times in the last month, and it still sounds good. (Sail On). I’ve noticed that they play a lot of the Carpenters too, which got me thinking about how sad Karen’s story ended. She really had a beautiful voice.

We tend to forget, they’re people too. I know I do when it comes to the band. I hate realizing that they are people that I wouldn’t like, and that’s what my issue’s been. Not all of them, I have one in particular that really has hurt me. I really didn’t want to see it in him. It’s my fault. He doesn’t and never has owed me anything, and that’s why it bothers me to realize that he’s someone I simply wouldn’t like. Because now, I simply do not like him at all. I admire his talent, but as a person, he makes me physically sick.

But then, everyone in the world today is making me feel this way lately. Almost everyone. There is always an exception to every rule. I know this, but I really have begun to appreciate a few more things.

We’ve Only Just Begun… The Carpenters. Does anyone else get those flashbacks to 1408?

I’ve begun to truly despise social media as of late. That whole Roseanne thing kind of made me realize how much it can rule people’s lives. She had her whole world, amongst many others, flipped upside down over one inappropriate tweet. Wow. Goes to show you how easy the masses can be influenced by it. (Social Media.)

My whole thought process about it is…. did everyone just forget who it was that said it? Roseanne’s been a big mouth since day one. Day one. She didn’t change. Social Media did.

That’s all I’m saying. She didn’t change.

They aren’t playing any America today. I think I’ve got to change my channel… Hold please šŸ˜‰

That’s much better. This singer was technically the first famous person I’d ever met. It was at the America/Starship concert in Bessemer, MI. I was 16. Haven’t thought about that in a long time. That’s probably why I’ve loved them through the years. I Need You is one of my favorites.

On that note, I’m off to do some housework. I’m almost done with laundry. Yay me!


I’be been binging on this show, and I’m reminded of when I tried to become a real writer. I haven’t tried since then either.

I was going to be thirty five that year. I knew deep down, I wasn’t going to get even a bite, but I had to try. I tried to sell an episode of House.

Thinking of the episode, I know now I knew then, it wasn’t good enough. But I still did it, and I still tried. I might still have the envelope of rejections somewhere actually. But I can say I tried. That was the last time I tried too.

I have two screen plays that I want to write. I’ve been inspired, but truth be told, I have no screen writing software. I have my main character all mapped out for the first one, the second one is still and idea. And I have to research to see if any Ford Pintos even exist in the world today. I’m pretty sure that there are a few. I need some pictures for the inspiration. Yes, you read that one correctly. Ford Pinto.

With that being said, knowing I have a keyboard, an IPad. And Hugh Laurie. I can’t help but feel a little inspired.

On a Hugh Laurie note… I didn’t know he was in the DeCaprio movie, Man in the Iron Mask. That has always been one of my favorites, and I watched it on the Roku channel again this week. I love that movie… I didn’t know that he was in. He was one of the king’s men. It was strange to hear his real voice! I know he’s an actor and has done more than House, but that’s what I’m used to. That movie… I think it’s the Musketeers that I love so much… John Malkovich was so wonderful in the roll of Artos.

I’m off to look through the apps to find me a screenplay one. Wish me luck.

Oh, and Happy birthday to my little bro … šŸ™‚

War is the Answer

That was when I was with Chad. My one and only boyfriend in my adult life. I was not happy at all in that relationship. I felt more like his mother, than a girlfriend. Needless to say, that relationship didn’t last all that long. When it ended, there was a lot of hard feelings. On my part. I was not very nice.

I resented him for so many different reasons. War is the Answer though, was an album that helped me work through a lot of crap. I had quite the year after I made Chad move out. It wasn’t pretty by any means.

I can remember what I had going on in my life when each of the albums came out, which is probably another reason I’m so attached to them. They’ve got me through some tough stuff with their music pushed me through.

The first one, after Chad believe it or not. Salvation. The Bleeding. (I will touch base as well to where this song, made me love them that much more as well.) Never Enough. I walked away from some pretty big things in my life at this time. WAR was the biggest thing. In fact, I’ve kept that one pretty quiet for what, 8 years? That one was a hard one for me. Really hard. None of those guys have any idea what in the hell happened to me. I pretty much disappeared from their world. I deleted Facebook friends, changed my phone number and blocked email addresses. I was gone.

That part hurt, quite a lot, but it was definitely something I had to do. For my own peace of mind. I really had strong feelings for someone that I shouldn’t have, and I couldn’t go down that road. He was a good friend, and I do mean a truly honest to good friend. I think he would have done anything for me. But he couldn’t, and he shouldn’t.

That one HURT. I can’t even pretend. He doesn’t know that. I never did anything about it out of respect for his wife. Yeah, he was married. That’s why he never once knew anything. I couldn’t do that, I couldn’t be that person. That’s just not me.

So i pretty much fell off the face of their world shortly after that. I got Max actually. This was a transistion period, where I stepped away from any and all of that, and began to enjoy my new responsibility!

And damn, was he. This was the summer that I met the man that gave me Max. He stayed home with Max when I decided to go see FFDP at the Salt Air. I decided the day off. I bought my ticket off of some lady that ended up not being able to go at the last minute. This was the American Capitalist tour. Ryan stayed home with Max so I could go. The first time I heard Ivan sing the chorus of American Capitalist, I was weak in the knees!

Ryan was really important to me that summer. He was a good friend. He cared about me too, no matter what he says. We were friends. I appreciated him, after all, I wouldn’t have Max now if it wasn’t for him. He knew something I didn’t, and i have to say, I’m glad.

In the beginning with Max, it was tough. I didn’t tell my family I had him for the first two months of his life with me. I only told them when I did was when. Rich made a surprise visit and met him for the first time.

American Capitalist was … I guess looking back now, a surprise, but it shouldn’t be. That should have said EVERYTHING to me… but I was naive. Through this time, I was trying to figure myself out. I still ahven’t but I have more so now, than I ever have before. I’m still not there, but I”m feeling much better about a lot of things

In my life, I never had boyfriends. I definitely never had confidence in myself. It was over the last 7 years that it’s happened. The consistent things I have had, are Max. Five Finger Death Punch. Kara. My family. I’ve had several job changes, but these things are always there.

The boys though, aren’t even a part of my life. I made them be. So I guess, that’s why I”m so mad at myself. However, I still am in no hurry to run out and buy that new album. I’ve already got the impression that it was for the lawsuit, and it’s not about the fans anymore. It’s a great big middle finger in the air. I don’t even want to find out.

I know the way I feel is my own fault. These guys can do whatever they want. I talk about Ivan singing about how he’s feeling about stuff, right there..American Capitalist. Thinking about it now, I suspect that he had issues with selling his soul.

I still care about that guy. I really want him to be happy in his life. I truly want him to find peace in his life. Whatever that means. Whatever that takes. Bottom line. I’ve come to grips I need to let that shit go though, because …. I can’t keep investing in what doesn’t invest back. Bottom line.

That’s all my own doing. But that’s… for yet another day.


Yes, I know I”m still talking about the band, but this time, I’m blaming Mom for it. We were talking today, and she mentioned to me that they’re coming. I said yeah, I know. I’m not going.

I heard crickets for a minute. “Why not?” She asked me.

And I spilled my guts out. After doing so, I go to thinking about why it’s been bothering me so much. I watched them grow into this. And I think that’s what bothers me. They weren’t always like that. Back when they were touring for War is the Answer. That was back when I first seen them live for the first time.

That was a strange part of my life. Chad was living with me. And I will tell you I was not a happy camper. Not for that reason per say, but that was when I was living in the single apartment. I had moved Chad in after knowing him for 4 days. Not one of my wisest decisions, but we all learned.

I was working with a wrestling promotion. And I had a lot of men in my life. I was hitting rock bottom and I was looking for something to take me out of it. I needed something. Anything. To stop my downward spiral.

That was when I discovered Five Finger Death Punch. The first song I remember hearing was “Stranger than Fiction” of all songs. It was on my way to work one day, I remember what exit I was by and everything. Weird, I know but I loved the title to the song, and I loved the guy’s voice. I was really trying to work on my writing, which I think I just liked the word Fiction in the title. : )

Another morning, I heard Never Enough, and that changed everything for me. It made me realize that, at that point in my life, it really was never enough. No matter what I did. Oh, that song made me fall in love with this band.

Colette flew out here and I picked her up at the airport, and we drove all night to Reno to see them at the Knitting Factory. They had played Salt Lake City before this, but there was a man on tour with their openers, Shadow’s Fall, that was going to get me the tickets, and I knew that he was expecting something in return, and ya know what, That’s just not me. I was with Chad at the time, and I realized that I didn’t want that loser to ruin my first live experience with this new band of mine.

I didn’t need people like him in my life anyway. He was an attachment to a chapter of my life that I”m not ready to revisit. Then or now. It’s a reminder of how naive I was once. I still am in a lot of ways, but that one… Just really showed me how mean the world really is.

When we went to Reno, we did a meet and greet at the Hot Topic. I wrote Ivan a note on the Harrah’s note pad, and told him “I know I look 12 right now,, I’m sorry” and I gave him the note. He put it in his pants pocket and that’s what I remember of that meet and greet. The note said, thanks for doing what you love so much that my best. friend and I can make memories. Or something along those lines. It was cheesy, and I really did look 12.

I did see Roger at that show, Shadow’s Fall was still touring with them, but he didn’t see us. Colette and I can hide quite well. And it was fun. We met Jeremy and Matt that night… We were tourist in the city, just to turn around and go home the next morning.

That was a fun night… probably one of the last real fun times I had with Colette. It was. After that, she met her significant other, and she’s never been out here since. That was almost a decade ago? Holy shit. I mean, wow.

I’ve seen them explode since then, and I’m not sure I’ve enjoyed that journey. It really was the money, the fame that changed everything, and Ivan’s voice … sang of these. That’s always killed me, that there was that big loud “Hey, I’m having issues here” and what it looked like to me, is that no one gave a shit.

I know that I wasn’t there, and I know that I know nothing behind the truth of the matter. At this stage of the game, I’m talking from my heart. Because I have all these mixed emotions that I”m working through on so many topics, I have to talk it out. It’s not like those guys give a shit about this one person thinks anyway. Yeah, I share, but I’ve never once had views in double digits, so I think I’m pretty safe to say, that my words don’t impact many.

Since this is going to be therapy for me, I want you to know that this is just my impressions, my thoughts. It was PERCEPTION.

Just making sure that if anyone really does find this page, that they know that I’m not putting words in anyone’s mouth. That being said. …

I don’t know what it is. I’ve had a soft spot for Ivan since the beginning. It really is a so ft spot too, because I genuinely feel like I want to protect him from bad things, bad people. Because of that I learned I needed to stop following him on social media and reading stuff on the internet. Because I really started to feel bad because what in the hell could I do? Who am I? No one in his world, really. It wasn’t normal that I felt that way, and it really bothered me that I did.

I did okay for awhile, but I’d check up on him every now and then and have a small cow of some sort, but it wasn’t my place and it wasn’t any of my business. The last time was when that woman, who ever the hell she was, said she was his wife, and he beat her. I didn’t find out what the outcome of that was, because really… I know this isn’t right, but there had to have been a reason. That’s all there is to it. I asked myself what the hell did she do? If he really did do it. Like I said, I know that wasn’t right, but I just know… she had to have done something.

But that’s what I’m saying, the way I feel, isn’t normal. At all. Even a little bit. I don’t know the guy. I did however hang out with him once.

For a while there, I really did romantasize it in my brain, but I didn’t need to do that, it was pretty awesome for what it was. I’ve never, eVER had more fun in my life, than I did that night. And I created it all! YES I DID! And at the end of it, Ivan shakes my hand and tells me, “Thank you. And I really mean that.” I truly believed him.

Best night of my life. I had so much damn fun… that roulette wheel. I’d always wanted a night like that.

I met all the guys on that cruise ship. But Ivan was my special memory. I wish I could explain it, yes i can, he seen me, and he acknowledged me. The day we loaded the boat. The night on the stage, and the entire evening in the casino. I also embarrassed myself, and by the end of the cruise, he knew my name if he didn’t already. But it was innocent, and he genuinely appreciated me for the support I had for the band. That’s what that was.

This was the American Capitalist era, when this album was released.

But that’s for tomorrow’s story… šŸ™‚


I watched one of my favorite episodes of House today. It was from Season 2, with the little girl with cancer. I don’t know why I like that episode so much, I cry every single time I watch it.

It’s the song at the end. They. use a lot of classic rock on that show but this one song, is a Christine Agulara cover (So I spelt it wrong, I’m not in the mood to google it.) It was remade by Elvis Costello. And it’s probably one of my favorite songs of all time. I don’t know why it touched me so much but his cover of “Beautiful” is awesome. If you haven’t heard it, I suggest checking it out.

I’ve been trying to listen to more music. Usually it’s Pandora, 70s Lite Rock. And I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve discovered that I don’t despise Barry Manilow. He’s got a soothing kind of voice I have to admit. I think I’m truly losing my edge.

I got lazy. I was a busy. Bee this morning, but … now, I haven’t moved for at least an hour. I’m seriously giving a nap some serious thought. šŸ™‚

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