Anxiety

I hate mine. Or I should say that I still hate it’s timing. Everyone has some anxiety, even if it’s mild, and small. Sometimes I just don’t understand why I have it in the first place.

Last night, I did not feel like I was in a good place. I know what triggered it, but I didn’t understand why I was feeling so anxious.

Maybe it was legitimate. I’ve got two meth heads living upstairs.

I don’t think that they started out that way. They are also gay men. I don’t know if that’s really relevant, but I can say that out of all the people that have lived upstairs in my time in this apartment, gay men have been the most dramatic. (Yes, actually I do have more than this one couple to compare with.)

There was an incident on Friday. One where Ed came yelling out of the door, Call the police Cherri, he just tried to choke me.

Me, hearing this, did such. It ended up being a rather big thing, where boyfriend ended up in jail. Aggravated Assault were the charges. $25,000 bail. And in this incident, is when I found out that they’ve been smoking meth upstairs. I’ve never been so angry in all of my life.

I actually felt better when I realized that he was gone away. He was gone! Life can get back to normal! Ed’s Mom was really stressing out about the boyfriend (she also lives upstairs) because he’s a parasite. Leaches on and takes all he can from the host before moving on.

So, just so everyone knows I’ll refer to boyfriend as Parasite.

Well, yesterday, I went to did my inmate search, and found he wasn’t there anymore. I came home to find out where he is.

What was the point? Seriously, why did I even waste my time, involving myself into a situation that you asked me into… if you’re only just going to walk right back into it. I don’t want to be here, and I resent him for forcing me into this situation in the first place. That means clearly, he’s thinking only of himself.

What bothers me, is I understand that this is simply a rebound relationship for Ed. From everything he has said to me, I see it clearly. That’s a tough one. Because honestly, I like this guy. He’s a good person, good heart, good worker. Good ethics. And this Parasite… is just that. I’ve watched him drain Ed dry, mentally, emotionally, financially, and contribute nothing. He hasn’t worked the 8 months he’s been here. And I just can’t respect a guy like that. I’ve got an even bigger issue though.

And it bothers me that it bothers me, because it has nothing to do with me.

Parasite will not give him his HIV test results.

At least that’s what he says. Like I said, I don’t know why it bothers me because I’ve come to realize I don’t know what the truth is there anymore. And honestly, really don’t want to. It bothers me that I even have to think about this crap for the next 12 days.

It bothers me because I’m worried about Max. I have to work. I can’t stay home. I have locks on my doors, but Parasite has been known to dig around on my porch. (Yes, he has. I wish I was lying.)

Why? Why do I even have to worry about this crap? I didn’t ask for it, and I despise that it’s forced upon me.

I didn’t mind it at all before all of this started, and this is what has made me decide to move in the first place. The final deciding factor.

I can’t wait to sit on my porch and see mountains again. Instead of the parking lot. I will miss my tree though. I love that tree in the fall. Yellow leaves EVERYWHERE!

Someone Else’s Perception

How can you change someone else’s perception of you?

That seems to be an issue with a very big relationship in my life right now. As I face this new exciting chapter of my life, I am faced with the challenge of this. How people don’t forget wha you’ve done in the past.

You see, I’ve made mistakes. I’ve never been a horrible person, but I’ve been bad with financial decisions. A few years ago, I needed bailing out. I had a plan though. I had asked someone close to me for a favor, he said he’d think about it, but instead went and told these very important people what I’d asked of him.

Now, I know in my heart, he had the best intentions. But right now, I regret ever asking him that favor. Instead of talking to me, he told on me. Literally. That’s what it was.

This is where I can’t help but get mad about where I’m at now. When that all started, this situation… well, it was supposed to be a short term thing. I was hoping for six months, but it’s now been two years. YEARS. That is over 750 days. That’s three jobs. And I’ve been at this one for over a year now. I LOVE it there, because I feel it helps me with my same situation. Bad financial decisions.

These people really are like me. They all want to do the right thing, genuinely. Which is what makes me strive to be a better person.

But no one sees that part in me. They are stuck on what I was a few years ago.

I’m 47. Isn’t time that I step up to the plate and be that well adjusted adult that everyone seems to want me to be, but … yet seems to have issues with letting the past go?

Again, I’m 47. I’m not 17. I wish that they could see that I have learned something in the last few years. That I really just want to do the best that I can. For me. For Max. This part, no… it’s not my chapter five yet. This is. Chapter Four. I need to plan for Chapter Five. The future.

I’ve been telling a lot of people about that poem lately. “My Autobiography in Five Short Chapters.” Just as recently as last night. I had a surprise set of visitors. The person I got Max from almost 8 years ago.

Max was growling, and I went outside to see at what, and he was walking up the sidewalk with his wife. I hadn’t seen him in years, literally. That was such a nice surprise. He had Max’s mom. He had lost her in the last few years, she made it to 13 but was pretty sick isn’t the end. He was missing her I think, so it was a nice visit for all. They’re expecting, so that was really exciting news. That first year, he was a big part of Max’s life.

I’m not sure if Max remembered him or not, but I’d like to think that he did. He was talking up a storm to him. That seemed to make Ryan smile, Bob used to do that all the time too.

He was my angel back then. I’ve had guardian angels in my life, and I think that was a reminder of that. He brought my best friend and I together. And for that, he will always be special in my life. But … what an exciting new chapter for him!

Back to my original point I guess… someone else’s perception. I sincerely, just want to be where I’m the one trying to keep things together. I want to be the one worrying about it all. Is it so wrong of me to be the one who’s in control of the worry?

I’m not the person I was ten years ago. That’s what stuck in their minds. Ten years ago was a long, LONG time ago. And I’ve learned a lot in that ten years. But in their minds, no I haven’t.

Would you call that having blinders on or tunnel vision? Either way, you can’t see anything past what you’ve seen in the past. It’s a struggle, and I’m trying to be adult about it, but … truly feel like I’m dealing with teenagers. I’m not being heard, because I’m cut off three words into my thought.

I understand now, how frustrating it had to have been when I was 16. Because I know I truly have good intentions, but what do I know. I seriously just seen my teenage years flash before my eyes. This is what they mean when they say it all comes back to you. Hmmmm.

I’m not going anywhere, any time soon. I think that’s another concern. Yes, I do intend to move back to Wisconsin at some point in my life, but it isn’t today. I’m finally at the point in my life where things are stable. I have a job that I love, and I feel confident in my position there. I finally feel like I’m in a place that I am heard, and I look out for the best of everyone I firmly believe.

If anything ever happens there, that’s when I’d go back to Wisconsin. Otherwise, I’m there for … the rest of my working life. 100%.

I’m going to plan for my vacations, and my retirement. I want to see places. None of them now, but I’ll be 50 in a few years, so … I’m thinking that might be when I plan for Europe. Who the heck knows. Thing is, I’ve got things to see, people to meet. That’s not going to happen in my apartment.

I just wish I could get them to understand that this isn’t personal, and it bothers me when they think it is. I really just want to plan … for chapter five.

And I just want it to be known, that in my mind, as I walk around that big hole in the sidewalk, I’ve made it a wishing well, and I throw quarters in as I walk on by. 😉

Mission Impossible

This is another sound in my soundtrack of life. The theme from the tv show, NOT THE TOM CRUISE MOVIES. (I just don’t like Tom Cruise and haven’t watched many of his movies.).

Whenever I “hatch a plan”… I get this in my head. Like it sounds so outlandish, that it’s what inspires me to move forward with it. Not that my plan is ever that outlandish… to some, maybe, but it’s always innocent for the most part. I mean, I clearly don’t try to break laws or anything like that.

No, it’s more like a “Barney Stinson” kind of thing, “Challenge Accepted.” Okay then! Let’s do this!

Whatever the idea what might be.

Never as looney as Barney’s plans were, but just the same … it makes me want to do it, whatever it may be.

This plan. Well, it involves me. Shannon. Slipknot. Corey Taylor. How, I have NO clue on how this is going to happen, but it’s fun trying to think of it. I’ve got months to work on it. Honestly, I know what it’s like to have a dream, and if that’s what Shannon wants, what the heck.

It will not involve hotel rooms. Or anything stalker like. (I’ve come to realize that my friends are confusing stalker with groupie/fan. I’m not a freakin stalker. They know this, I know this… but I need to make the world know this. I’ve never walked up to anyone’s house, or driven past it for that matter. Honestly, I’ve got better, more interesting things to do!)

When it comes down to it, I’m pretty sure that it won’t evolve into anything, but I have an imagination, and I like to think of silly things. I like to think more of a PG level, sitcom grade kind of things. Nothing that’s going to get anyone, into any serious trouble. And when it comes to acting on it… well, that’s a whole different ball game.

I’m a lot of talk, more talk than action in the past. The action that I’m working on is more on the life changing levels, and it’s too deep to think about all the time. This stuff keeps me young. I don’t ever want to lose the dreamer in me. DREAMER. Even if it is just a day dreamer most of the time. It keeps me young. If it comes down to it where the only thing I’m thinking about is the same thing I do day after day, I don’t want that! Dreaming about it makes me remember that there is still so much more out there that I haven’t learned about or seen yet!

Looking around, I know that when people stop dreaming is when they start to get old, and … unhappy. I don’t want that to be me. Even if I’m 97, I want to be dreaming about the Eiffel Tower or the Colliseum. Something.

Or petting my pet rock, calling it Max. Seriously, I’d rather remember what I did, and what I had, than … focusing on what can’t be changed, or worrying about what someone else did or is doing, or whatever. It keeps the focus on me, and what I’d like to see myself create.

As long as I can keep it real, what’s the harm. It gives me something to get my mind on what I can’t do right now. It helps me feel better.

Weird… Yes I am.

Have you ever seen the movie Up? I just pictured myself as that little girl.

Yup, that’d be me.

Have a great day!

The Soundtrack of Life

Ever get songs stuck in your head? I’ve been getting the Jefferson’s theme song a lot. I know why, because I’m movin’ on up… to the east side, to a deluxe apartment …. but it’s not in the sky and that’s as far as it goes. I seen it Saturday. I cried. I didn’t mean to, but I did.

I am very excited for this new chapter for me. New. I firmly believe that this change is what I need. I’m getting rid of so much stuff that I haven’t even looked at in years. That is very … uplifting. I was going to sell a bunch of it, but why. When there are so many donation bins around. Someone will benefit from it, why should it be me.

Truthfully, I know I don’t want the hassle, and that’s why I’m not going to even try. Makes me feel better too.

I’m excited for the new chapter, because this is what I needed. A fresh new start. It’s not the answer to everything, but it’s a step in the right direction.

Another thing that crosses my mind every day that I have added to the sound track of my life. I don’t know what you’d call it really, because it’s not a song, but it’s a sound. It’s a commercial actually. Tell me if you remember this.

Time to make the donuts

What’s on your soundtrack of life? I’m sure I’ve got a lot more, but that’s the most recent ones. Wait, here’s one. “Walk” by Pantera. I don’t know what it is, but it makes me straighten up and walk a little more confident. Gotta love Pantera. *RIP Dimebag..

My boy

I stepped on my dog. That sound will haunt me forever, and I haven’t recovered yet. He’s fine. He looks at me like I’m nuts, and I cried and cried and hugged him. Spoiled him rotten for twenty minutes, and still now, feel awful. I’m worried that I broke his foot.

He was walking around fine, but it does appear to be slightly swollen. I could be imagining it because I’m feeling so awful. I’ve never had this happen, I fell horrible. I was stepping out on to my porch, because I didn’t see him…. well, he was right there.

Dogs truly are a blessing. Or cats or whatever animal you choose. The point is, they are our pets, our kids to a lot of us… and we love them like they are our children.

That’s true unconditional love if I’ve ever experienced it. I’m a wreck, and he licks my hand as if to say ‘it’s okay Mom, I’m fine.”

He just strolled into the room, and he’s not limping or anything. I think it’s safe to say, he’s going to be fine.

Thank Goodness. I don’t know how I would handle that guilt for the rest of my life. Thank you dear universe, for this gift. Not a day goes by that I’m not grateful for the day this boy and I met.

Bucket List

Do you have a bucket list? I do. I started one years ago, but I haven’t added to it lately. However, I have never forgotten about it.

Some of the things I have on that list involve people. Just things I wish I could have done, but never did. Like sitting down and having coffee with one in particular.

This is a person I met in a snow covered parking lot 26 years ago. Marquette, Michigan. When I met him, I had no idea what his name was, and he was just the cutest thing. And he was sweet.

This guy, made me fall head over heels. Or, that’s what it seemed like then. Now, I realize that the whole thing was nothing but a great big crush, because he was just a super nice guy.

And that’s exactly what it was.

It had nothing to do with stature. It had nothing to do with talent. That was genuine I can’t believe this guys being nice to me, wow. He truly was a nice man.

Here we are 26 years later, and the last five times I’ve seen him I’ve been an idiot. It’s because I’m awkward. How can I get past 26 years of acting like a school girl with a crush. Because that’s what it was!

I am a writer. You know this, heck, he knows this. I used to write him letters all the time in the beginning. (Again, this is the school girl crush coming out.) I don’t know what possessed me to do it, but I wrote him another one. Monday. I looked his address up online, and I drove to the post office and mailed it off that day.

Basically saying what I just said there. I’m done with awkward. Can we be friends?

I just really want to be able to talk to him. I know we have stuff in common. Like the writing. He wrote a book, and I’ll tell you about it soon, but I’m not ready to admit in public who it is. Just because in some areas, he’s a big deal. He’s a record making guitar player, baby.

To me, he’s just the nice guy I met in Marquette, MI. Really. That’s what it’s boiled down to. He’s the really nice guy I met in Marquette.

I’m only reposting this because I can tell you I have lost about 50 lbs since this was picture was taken oh so many years ago. This one was taken in 1993 or 1994 I think.

On to a different bucket list item. I have been thinking heavily about my eating habits. I don’t have any good ones. That’s why I ended up looking like that in the first place. Mountain Dew and Cheetos will do it.

I still drink soda, diet now days. But I really have to learn the eating habits. My family had a great influence, and if I had not babysat so much of my teenage years away, I would have probably kept those good habits. But I did, and I didn’t, and now I’m paying the price for it.

I don’t mean to sound like I’m blaming my depression on everything, but I’ve come to realize when you’re in one, you don’t realize it. And everything around you suffers for it. I have never been good at keeping house. I’m absolutely awful at it. And I’ve come to realize that it is very, very hard to get on top of something like that when you come out of the depression. I look around this apartment, and it’s… I don’t want to live like this anymore.

It’s not filth. It’s clutter. Everywhere. I’d never been very well organized before, so getting on top of that is a challenge. The eating habits is a challenge, because I hate this kitchen. I remember my roommates constantly, and they haven’t even been here for YEARS.

The guy upstairs, he seems to be charging the negative energy that I already feel in here, and … I am sorry to keep saying it, but I can’t wait to get out of this apartment.

I know it’s not going to solve all my problems, but … it’s a start. I need new. I need fresh. I need this for the first day of the rest of my life! I want to be able to focus on good habits, and try to forget all of the bad that have been there for so long. I sincerely want this to be my chapter four. Chapter five will be when I go back to Michigan/Wisconsin. Whenever that may be.

It sounds funny, but the Mary Tyler Moore show theme …. that pops in my head when I realize that I am improving. I really am. “You’re going to make it after all….”

But back to the whole bucket list thing … the next big one I’m working on, is the weight. I’ve got 25+ years I need to prepare for, and I need to be healthier for it.

Thanks as always for reading. I know you’ve got other things you can read, and the fact that you’re here with me, means a lot. Thank you for taking the time.

And please, comment. I’d love to hear what YOU have to say.

Common Sense

It’s come to my attention yet again, not everyone is born with what I always considered to be common sense. I realize now, that the things I knew, that I never thought about where I learned it from, isn’t common sense.

Someone pointed out to me what was wrong, and why. And I just never did it again. Not all of us are so fortunate I realize.

The situation that brought this to my attention was the bathtub. Not my bathtub, the bathtub upstairs. I’ll spare you the details, but it was brought to my attention that this guy had no idea what that big metal thing was above the drain. No one ever explained to him, don’t fill the water past that.

It’s called the overflow drain. People used to drown in the tubs all the time, that’s what this is for. So that doesn’t happen. It’s not for decoration. It serves a purpose.

My point. The water in the tub, should never be filled past that item.

When I asked them if they had checked that, they said “Oh, everything’s fine. I checked it the first time you mentioned the draining through the exhaust fan.”

No. They didn’t.

My point again, if you know someone that might benefit from this post, please share it because people need to know this kind of thing. Spare someone the complete disgust I’ve been suffering from for the last week. 27 days. I can not wait to get out of here…

No one deserves to have someone that dumb live in the apartment above them.

*************

Okay, so as I went looking for images, I realize that I had a slight misconception as well. What it is, there’s a pipe for the overflow. But when the cover’s loose, the water just oozes out every where. That pipe doesn’t matter, because the waters coming out from the sides of that entire drain over.

Still bugs me because he said everything was fine. Clearly, it wasn’t. But the issue’s been resolved, and i should just keep my whining to a minimum.

*************

I do want to share a few things that I learned lately that I find noteworthy.

Hot mustard has unripened grapes in it, and apparently, that’s what makes it hot? I’m looking into that and plan to share that on a future post.

Pink Salt is actually from the Himalayas. I’m looking more into that subject as well, because I realize that the salt lamps that you see, are also made from that same salt. I’m intrigued, so I will be learning more of that.

I’ve been keeping a notebook. Actually, several, where I keep the ideas that I get written down. If you have any topics to suggest, don’t be shy. I’m planning a more organized approach to my blog as soon as my life settles into the new home.

*****

Wow the internet can be dangerous. Click, click, click and it opens up a whole new world.

I googled Pink Himalayan salt and wow. Wowowowowowowowow. Wow.

A small masjid in the Khewra Salt Mine complex, Pakistan

If you click on the picture, it will take you to an interesting website I located explaining what a masjid actually is. I am finding that the world is really interesting!


On that note, I’ll sign off for the day. I hope that you are having a great day. I’ve got a work day ahead, and I’m looking forward to sleeping in on Saturday! 🙂

My first three words today were Marriage, Happiness and Chipotle. I can work with that.