My shoulder

Is at it again. I have to say, for awhile there, i was fortunate enough to have forgotten what hell it brought me. I guess I felt it creeping back up, but what can I do? It was so nice, that time with out the pain. Almost six months. What wonderful feeling that was.

Not that I’m here to whine. It’s where things are at. I’m sitting outside on the porch right now. I actually want to be inside, but I cant’ short change Max on time outside. I happen to just look up, and see a lady I always see on her porch, buzzing around in her new motorized wheelchair. Good for her. It’s got lights on it and everything, so people can see her coming. Awesome.

I went to a show over the weekend. I have to tell you, I didn’t know what I was getting into, because all i knew was “rap”. First of all, it wasn’t gangster rap. That right there made me happy. But it ended up being way better than I thought it would be. I really enjoyed myself, I didn’t have a single drop to drink, and I haven’t laughed or smiled like that in a very, very long time.

The reason I was there in the first place, was one of the performers was someone I know through one of my neighbors. He’s such a cutie, however, I am twice his age. I can’t be letting him know that I think he’s a cutie, he’ll be creeped out. I’m creeped out. That just feels dirty.

Anyway, I went because of him. I was really surprised at him, and his partner on stage. They were really very good, I mean, I could enjoy what I was listening to! They had a good crowd too, granted most of them were friends, but still. I was really very impressed considering that I’d never seen anything like that before.

Not to mention, I just had fun. I really did. So much that it didn’t even bother me that I really was the oldest person there!!!!!

Not much else really going on. Work’s going well, I’m ready for a long weekend. Ive got one coming up in October. I was hoping to go to Vegas, and get my audition in for who wants to be a millionaire. Other plans include mob museum, Criss Angel, and a few breakfast buffets. I want to be a tourist, so that also includes both Hard Rocks! Tht’s what I’m hoping anyway.

That’s what’s going on in my neck of the woods. I haven’t been writing because of the same song and dance. Toivo is doing well. He has six tomatoes 🍅. None are ripe yet though.

Unsolved Mysteries

Yes, I’m still watching this show. I’m learning all sorts of stuff from the 90s though. I have not been able to help solve one yet though.

I watched a very interesting show on Nichola Tesla yesterday. I wonder why I don’t remember hearing more about him in school. Very interesting. You’d think that when Tesla hit the music scene that would have made me want to learn more, but … it wasn’t until recently that I have been more interested in learning more.

People talk about how crazy he was. I don’t think he was crazy. In a lot of ways I could actually relate to him, of course, on much different levels than the obvious ones. The part where he was actually employed by Thomas Edison, and he quit that job… blew my mind.

At least him leaving that job, didn’t dampen his will to follow through. And at least he believed in himself enough to try harder! He was different, and that needed to be appreciated. Or needs to be. I don’t know much at all, but I learned enough to know that he was very interesting.

I learn a lot from shows I watch. I don’t watch You Tube videos often, and it’s actually flipping through channels that I find things most of the time. The last show that I watched that I learned about how things went down, was Unsolved: The Murders of Tupac and the Notorious BIG.

Did you know that they know who did it? Both murders? Both people are dead, and were dead at the time that Russell Poole tried to go to the police that last time, but it was because of the LAPD… there’s nothing that they can do about either!

That one shocked me. I didn’t realize that they knew who committed both crimes. I think that Russell Poole sincerely wanted to get to the bottom of it, but he didn’t follow the chain of command, and he didn’t have the faith in his higher ups. Sometimes that is justified, but this one… I think he jumped the gun. I think that if he would have trusted everything … it would have worked itself out.

But … who knows. No one can go back in time. Veletta Wallace is the one that suffers the most because of all of that. Her and Tupac’s mother. The mothers.

Two sons will never have justice for their lives. That’s what’s sad. It’s not about rappers, or gangsters. It’s about two sons. And two mothers. Fingers can be pointed, blame can be tossed, but .. that’s what it boils down to. Not to mention, fathers. There are offspring of those two men that will see justice for the loss of the men that they didn’t have growing up.

That is something that never made sense to me. It is a chain of not restraining themselves, and acting on impulse. That’s how so many people are killed daily. Reaction.

People simply don’t think things through anymore. I’m guilty of it. 98% of the stuff I’ve posted here in the past is proof of that. And everything that I’ve ever said regarding Ivan Moody, is proof of that.

Well not all of it, but most of it 🙂

I have been feeling good about things where he’s concerned. I think that the show, really finally was the perspective I needed. I didn’t realize just how big the guys had gotten. I knew they had a big following, but that show was sold out! And they’ve been having that same success since.

I guess deep down,, I wanted to keep him real to me, but I suppose at this stage in the game, he’s on the level of Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley. Steven Tyler. Ozzy. Not touchable any longer.

That’s sad, but good at the same time. The guys are still going strong, and will continue to go strong. And I should be grateful for the time that I did have, because clearly, it’s is NEVER going to happen again. I am grateful for that, but can’t help but be sad a little bit for it as well. They really can’t just hang out anymore.

Sad. But that’s life.

I haven’t done much since then. I was going to go see Junkyard, and Framing the Red, but I chickened out at the last minute. I just don’t enjoy going out at night, alone. I don’t care where it is. I don’t even like going to the store. Especially in the world, the way it is today. One wrong word, and I could be shot. Anywhere!

I don’t enjoy the city life anymore. I don’t know that I truly ever did. I mean, I did, because during the day, I’ll do anything. But when it starts to get dark, I’m even nervous sitting on my porch. I hate this feeling. I hate being afraid!

I will move back to Michigan eventually. Or Wishconsin. (Yes, I know…) Probably closer to Jim. But that’s a ways away. In the meantime, I’m confined to my apartment. I will go out, I need to find things that interest me during the daylight hours, and I guess I haven’t found it yet. Or I have, and haven’t figured out how to get Max over his sudden refusal to get in the car. I know he hurt himself that last time… I need to insure that’s done, and never happening again.

It was the ramp. It slipped, and he landed hard. He’s doing much better now, but he won’t even go anywhere NEAR the car. I don’t know that it’s all cars, or just mine. I’ll do some testing of the waters this weekend. My neighbor said I can try with hers to se if that’s the case. When Mom and Dad swung by on Sunday though, he damn near jumped on Mom’s lap, so I don’t know.

I’m keeping my eye on him. He took me for a good walk yesterday though, which was nice. Not as long as we used to, but it was pretty warm out yet, so I’m glad that he took me at all. And he didn’t stop at all! That’s how I know his hips are doing better. I just want him to feel better.

On that note, I will sign off for now. Things are going good, and I’m excited about the way things are going at work. I am pretty proud of myself, and seeing the fruits of my labor. I like where I’m at, and continue to grow to, and I’ve got an awesome support system at work, and out of work. So all is well.

Thanks for reading. I appreciate your time, I know you’re busy like me, so the thought of you spending some time with me, it truly appreciated.

Have a great day!

Rearranging

I have a dilemma. I live by myself, well, with Max, but you get my point. I have a few things that I’m itching to get the hell out of this apartment, or at least from one room to another.

For the most part, I have never really ever moved anything. Honestly, I’m lazy. I don’t have it in my to move furniture very often. But I’m ready for a change. I want to move a few things to another room, and eventually even get rid of some of it.

What is the best way to move a piece of furniture, such as a desk, when living alone? I don’t want to have anyone come over special to do it, I want to be able to do it myself. So, I’m looking at long term resolution because I’ll have to do it again in the future.

Any ideas? I was thinking of some kind of platform with wheels of some sort. I don’t necessarily want to buy one right now, since I don’t have the funding for it. At home, what can I use?

With the desk, I’m looking to be able to put one side on the thing with wheels and be able to pull it into the other room. I think I’m going to have to figure out how to make it.

It’s gotten my wheels turning.

What I want to do, since I can’t move, make this place feel like I did. I have been in this apartment for over 8 years now. And it feels grungy to me. I want to deep clean it. And it’s hard because I don’t want to make any one come over special to help me. move things, so if anyone can suggest anything on how to do this without it being physically strenuous, or mental exhausting, that would be great.

I’d love to be able to empty each room, shampoo the rugs several times, vacuum them even more, wash my walls, and just start fresh. One room at a time. That’s the dream anyway.

That’s why I mean grungy. I have lived here for over 8 years, and I didn’t ever make it completely mine. There were roommates that were here and I just want their old energy to be gone once and for all. Start new.

It doesn’t help that I just feel creeped out in my own skin these days, with that creepy neighbor guy. I really don’t like it in my neighborhood right now. I really wish he would just go away. Though I don’t feel fear with him, I feel creepy. 100% creeped out.

On that note, I’m off to start on the bedroom. Any tips, ideas you might have, please share. Thanks for reading.

Last night

Last night was awesome, in so many ways.

First, I have a new friend. She’s awesome, I work with her, and she’s a Death Punch fan, like I’m a Death Punch fan. I think her husband might have been a bit worried in the beginning, but since I didn’t climb any fences, or get arrested, I think it all proved to be okay in the end.

Seriously though, great time. I really enjoyed hanging out with new friends, and listening to music.

We missed Bad Wolves due to confusion thanks to the stupid venue and changing the times of the shows. Was it 6? Was it 7? Well, turned out it was 6. Missed a good part of Nothing More as well. But hey, got nice and settled in by the time 5FDP took the stage.

It was a great show, I mean, they had a few moments where it didn’t sound perfect, but for the love of God, it was AMAZING! I really had a great time, and got a lot of weird looks because I sang most of the songs on top of my lungs. People looked at me because I was singing too loud. I didn’t stop, but still.

It was during “Gone Away” that the rain started though. Utah hasn’t seen rain in such a long time, and for it to start during that song. I remember thinking at the time how cool of the timing to be, and failed to remember what song it was. Thanks to @5FDPChrisKael, he reminded me.

I felt awesome after the show. Though most things I had put into the universe didn’t happen before, or during the show… the most important thing did. I got to see a great show, and sing on top of my lungs.

And afterwards, it was good. The rain. That rain was really amazing to me last night. The timing, the feeling … I really enjoyed the show, more than I thought I would. It was a great release for me on so many levels, and my boys are doing great.

Ivan … really, looks good. Sounds good, and his energy was fantastic. That was wonderful to see and experience.

It was great, the whole night … until the end. When we were sitting in the car, trying to get out of the parking lot, who walks by my car? CREEPY NEIGHBOR GUY! I was creeped out even more than before! EEEWWWW.

My friend invited me in when I dropped them off, but I didn’t stay. I wanted to get home before they did, and get a chance to let Max out before they got home. I did not want to encounter him at all.

And yes, I’d say by the way he was walking, he wasn’t sober last night either.

FYI, I was. I had one Monster. I think of it supporting the sponsor of my band. I really do love me one of the green Monsters from time to time, and when it’s ice cold.. Yeah, baby. I can thank 5FDP for that appreciation too. ShipRocked’s sponsor was Monster, and they put free ones in our room one morning. Been hooked ever since.

I feel free. I feel like I’m finally able to move on. For the first time, in a really long time. about it, because I guess I just feel the way I’m supposed to feel. Like I went to a concert last night. Not like I didn’t get to see the man of my dreams and not talk to him.

The way you’re supposed to feel after going to a concert. It’s been awhile, since I’ve felt this way after seeing 5FDP. It feels good.

Rain and all

That was freaking awesome. Second time it rained while seeing them. Now in the merch line… That was such a great show. 👍

BlueTooth

I’ve been appreciating my blue tooth keyboard and my. iPad a lot more than I used to. I don ‘t know what took me so long to use it, but I’ve come to realize, I can use these things anywhere. Granted, most of the time it’s at my dining room table, but I can use it anywhere.

I love the freedom, and I love that I’m writing more.

Acceptance

To this day, I have always fought to be accepted. It stems from when I was a kid and used to get teased a lot by a lot of the kids I went to school with.

I’ve always been different. As I get older, I’ve learned a few things about the things that happened to me as a kid. Luckily, things that I don’t remember. Not that anyone did anything, but when I was a kid, I wasn’t exactly normal. I had things happening to me that most girls didn’t have until they were in their teen years.

I always wanted to just be accepted, but for the most part, that didn’t happen in my life. Or at least, not in the ways I wanted them to. For example, when I lived in Milwaukee, I loved hanging out at this club. It was … well, the Rock Shop. Live music five days a week. I loved it there. But I never felt accepted.

Meaning, I never got invited to the after bar parties. I did once though, and even though I never though I was accepted, the owner of the place, wouldn’t let anything happen to me.

So, even if I didn’t get to hang out, he had my back. I was drinking a lot more back then, and I ended up passing out on his living room floor in a full house, but he didn’t let one person mess with me.

So, though I didn’t feel accepted, I was respected.

Two different things. The club owner, I honestly believe now, he just knew that I didn’t belong in that scene. I really was an innocent person, who was trying to hard to be a part of the cool crowd. But I never was. But every time, those guys… had my back. They stopped me from doing really stupid stuff on more than one occasion.

That’s happened a lot through out my life. I really wanted to be a part of it. But people… they knew that it would have eaten me alive.

I’m a small town kid. I really thought that I wanted to be there, but … deep down, people were protecting me. They knew I didn’t belong.

With the boys… I didn’t have a lot in my life over the last 8 years. I’ve had three things that I loved. My family, my dog, and 5FDP. And that’s what it’s been. Instead of finding something real in my life, I kept searching for acceptance, in a place that I didn’t need it. For what those guys bring into my life, it really is acceptance. I’m accepted for the support and appreciation that I bring to them. That’s real.

But … wanting to be part of a scene that I long for… it’s not their job to welcome me with open arms. They’ve always appreciated me for what I brought to that game. Support and appreciation. Will we ever be buddies? I think that’s pretty clear that it is a no, and no matter what I feel in my gut or my mind… that’s really all it is.

Though I’ve been in the back ground for that long, and I’ve begged to be brought up front, there is no reason for me to be. All I do is buy albums and concert tickets. Very rarely, merchandise.

I also think that it’s pretty clear, that any issues I have with them…. any of them, is clearly my issue. I attached myself to all of them, because it was what I held on to for so long.

Not normal, but I haven’t been exactly normal my entire life.

It’s been hard my entire life, trying to overcome this. I’ve had it in a lot of different areas. Work’s always been a hard one for me, because I always fought for appreciation or at least recognition in the work place, but I’ve always had bosses and co workers that either ignored me, or kept their thumbs on me.

At least, that’s how it’s been until now. I have a job now, that I’ve never felt so good about… well, since C&H. I loved that job, and they treated me good there, but because I was an idiot, I left. I worked years since then, to find something else even remotely close to what I had there. And I can say, that 15 plus years later, I finally found it. And it’s helping me work on the rest of the areas that I need to.

It’s hard to think that if I hadn’t left there, where would I be in life. I can’t think about that though, because there’s not one thing I can do about it today. Not one.

The first time I seen this picture, it remind of me always trying to fit where I didn’t belong. I know that it’s something that we deal with through out our lives, but most people have that stuff figured out well before they’re my age.

I’m just now getting a grasp on it. Because for so long, it’s what I’ve done. If it wasn’t Five Finger Death Punch, it was Jackyl. My whole adult life, I’ve attached myself to men in bands, instead of going out to try to find something real.

I even attached myself to a guy through letters. I think what it was, is that I always felt safer that way, because rejection wasn’t so evident. It was in inevitable, but it wasn’t obvious. Until 15 years later. Luckily, this time, it didn’t take as long.

Which brings me to my poem.

I reached out to Zoltan, Chris and Jeremy from 5FDP this week. I wanted to get a copy of the poem to Ivan, which is why I reached out to Zoltan. Anyone who’s read any of my rantings, know that I have a poem that helped me name this site.

My Autobiography in Five Short Chapters.

I wanted to give it to Chris, Ivan and Jeremy because of the struggles that they’ve been through. Ivan especially I guess, because I wanted him to have something that he could look at on a bad day, and help him figure out, what can he do differently this time.

In any situation. It’s my interpretation, that this guy’s a genuinely good guy, that has the same kind of issues I do. The biggest thing with him, is I have watched the band’s success through out the years, and I know that at times, the success has been a bit much for him. All that touring, performing, and not being able to deal with real life in real life… I’m sure it tends to get to a person. I have a hard time with my life, and I don’t do anything different day to day.

I guess I got to thinking about how it’s helped me through out the years. Chapter Five is where I’m at in a lot of areas in my life, and it’s taken time to get here.

I guess, for all three of them, I wanted them to just have something small when things got hard.

I share this poem with a lot of people because it helps put things into perspective. Helps them think, what can I do differently than I’ve done before this time. For me it helps me think faster to get through the situation faster.

For them, I thought it might help with matters of addictions. It’s got to be hard to live that life, and have access to things even when you don’t want it. People around bringing it, offering it… when you want to stop feeling, I can appreciate how easy that would be, to succumb to the yearnings.

I don’t want that to happen though. I don’t. Not for them, not for any addict I know. I want people who genuinely want to do better, be able to be better. What ever it takes, and yes, I think that highly of the poem. I know what it did for me, so I don’t think it’s so wrong to want others to benefit from it.

I highly doubt at this point, I’m going to get that chance. So I’ll post it here.

I really just wanted to give it to them in person, but … who doesn’t want something from them in person. With Black Rifle here in town, not to mention all the Vet groups they support, I’m pretty confident that they’ve got better things going on.

But even now, even at 46, it’s like I still want to sit at home and wait for the phone to ring, because I just know they’re going to call…. the phone’s not going to ring. As much as I have tried, I really can’t figure out what I could offer that someone else couldn’t. I mean, I have my kick ass personality and even better sense of humor, but … just because I want to be friends, doesn’t mean we need to be friends.

That really blows, because honestly, most people need to be my friend. Except creepy neighbor guy.

Speaking of which, I have to tell you what got my into my predicament.

7 am, I’m outside having a smoke. I hear music. The more I listen, the more I start to recognize “Lift Me Up”. I of course have to recognize this, and he goes on a speel about Rob Halford being gay. My response? “What does that have to do with anything, he’s Rob fucking Halford!”

But it was the fact that I recognized 5FDP that got the conversation started. I didn’t know that by recognizing that, I would open the door to the neighborhood loser to think he’s now my friend. I talk to EVERYONE in this neighborhood. EVERYONE. There is not one person I don’t say hi to. So, I thought I was just being neighborly.

Because honestly, I want to know the people around me. And what I learned about that guy? He bought one Five Finger Death Punch album, has never once been sober for any of the concerts he’s ever gone to, and he’s done every single drug under the sun. Out of all of that, he gets one point for the album. He also lives off of his mother, and is too damn lazy to work to contribute anything to the household. And what he contributes to the neighborhood is … the feeling that I live in the slums.

My point before I went off on the tangent… It’s okay if I’m not friends with everyone under the sun. As cool as I am, well, I guess it’s just a matter of opinion. Cuz I’m pretty damn cool.

🙂

I’m off to do housework before the day begins.

#fivefingerdeathpunch #rowzrocks #ivanmoody #jeremyspencer #chriskael

Tomorrow’s The Big Day

I haven’t really done anything in a really long time. I’m trying to think of the last time I’ve gone out anywhere, and I can’t even remember. Royal Bliss when they did their Tom Petty tribute? I think that was it. Before that, I can’t even remember.

It’s become pretty obvious, I need to get out more. I am really excited to get to hear the boys tomorrow. I’d like to say see them, but I know what I’m going to see. Them all, on the big screen. I won’t be down there in the crowd, because honestly, I don’t enjoy being down there in the crowd. So I guess, I can’t complain. I also couldn’t fork out the $100 for pit tickets. Nor did I want to. Standing that whole time doesn’t excite me anymore. Not even a little bit.

I can’t stand like that anymore, my feet can’t do it. Years of waitressing and standing on concrete at concerts, I don’t enjoy it anymore. But to listen, yes. I will be excited for that. I hope I don’t get a tear in my eye when they start.

I haven’t seen them in almost three years. There’s been a lot that’s happened in the last three years, so it’s kind of a big deal for me to see them tomorrow. It almost didn’t happen if you think about it.

But it is happening. I’m really happy about that. I’m also really happy to have learned that Ivan’s got an Instagram page. I’m glad that when he went with social media, when went with that one. Instagram is my favorite. That’s where I find all the wonderful quotes and pictures. Love them. Instagram is just a more positive place I think. I don’t feel drama on Instagram.

There’s not much else going on this week. I have a creepy neighbor guy that I thought finally stopped knocking on my door, but I was wrong. Last night he did it again, and I really think I made my point to leave me the hell alone. For someone who lives on his porch, he sure as hell is NOT very observant. Man, he’s creepy.

He is the only guy in this complex area, that doesn’t work. He smokes weed and cigarettes at all hours of the day, on his mom’s porch. His mom’s out there working, but he’s out there smoking. I don’t like to judge people, but he clearly does nothing to contribute to society, unless it’s second hand smoke. I don’t understand how he can live, feeling okay about things, when he’s not working, but his MOM is? He’s 51, so how old do you think that makes his mother?

People like that are useless to me. If there was a legitimate reason, maybe, but I don’t see one. And when I did talk to him, there wasn’t one. He’s just damn lazy. There’s another guy like that I know. And the mom’s the same way. She lets him walk all over her too. Why? Because these guys, learned abuse from their fathers, and treat their mothers like shit.

Argh.

Well, I went outside for smoke break, and participated in geode smashing. That was really fun. I really like my downstairs neighbors. I adopted them as my kids, because I don’t have any of my own. They’ve got a little one, and then another little one every other weekend. I adore them all, they’re adorable. Good kids, good family. They got married earlier this month, and that was the cutest thing too. I really like to say that they’re in for the long haul. 🙂 Their dogs get along with mine wonderfully, and they take turns trying to steal something from the other’s apartment. Max does that to any apartment we visit though. Funny dog.

Point, that was fun. Not to mention, hitting something with a hammer always relieves some kind of stress. Geodes are amazing, I love the gift on the inside of the sparkle. How they come to be amaze me too. I also found out the rock I brought home from Montana that I thought was a geode, was just a rock. Right now, I’m feeling really guilty for breaking that perfectly round rock now. Can you imagine how long it took the get that perfect? Sigh. I’ll keep the half until I can get to a place it might be able to start the process over, a rapids or something.

I am going up to the Uintas this weekend, Sunday, so that will be the perfect new home for it.

Well, I’m out for now. It’s Friday night, and I haven’t done anything that I was going to do, so I didn’t have to do it tomorrow. So if anything, I guess I’ll load the dishwasher, and the washer, and put on the Pandora station. I’ve got 60s, 70s, and 80s going this week.

Speaking of the 80s, I have to say, I’ve been watching a ton of movies from the 80s on my Roku. I’ve come to love that thing, marathon Forensic Files anytime! Whoo! Seriously though, the Pluto channel has a lot of free movies and tv shows.

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