My Maximus

Can I just say, the last three months have been a hard three months. I realize now, that they’ve all caught up to me, and today, I’m sick and tired. Literally.

I lost my job in February. In a lot of ways, I didn’t mind since I really did hate that job. I liked the people I worked with, but I was bored out of my mind. And no matter how much I begged for more work, apparently, they didn’t see any use for me to do anything extra.

Not to mention, I never thought I ‘d be in a call center again. I never wanted to me. I thought that there was going to be more to the job, which was the only reason I took it in the first place! But nope. And customer service turned out to be a term that they used loosely, in my opinion.

I had three weeks of searching for a job, that found me at the place where I’m at now. I will tell you, that I believe, this is the last job I’ll ever have. I sincerely see myself retiring from here. When I started, I gave 100%. I pushed myself hard. Which I feel now. I am exhausted, and I am tired.

I love the job, because it’s challenging, and I like it. It’s everything that I enjoy. I think right now, what I’m experiencing, is just a feeling of overwhelming fear. I do a lot of stuff that is important that I don’t screw up. And that right there is intimidating. I know that what I do is being watched. Because it’s important. And I can’t screw up. But now I find myself second guessing myself, and doubting my knowledge and my trust in what I know.

That makes my anxiety go through the roof. I haven’t been able to relax in weeks. I don’t know what to do to calm my mind, my soul. I don’t like when I get to feeling like this, because I just truly, want a peace of mind. And I don’t know how to find it.

I realize now, I was pushing myself so hard because I’m so desperate for financial independence. I am working for a goal, I’ve got things I want to start working on, and I”m really sick and tired of living in an apartment. I want a yard. I want a yard for Max, because he is sick of always sitting up on the porch. He wants a lawn, and I want him to have a lawn. I don’t want to be outside all the time, and he should be able to be out if he wants to be. And not constantly on a chain or a leash! I want a porch I can go sit on and not have to talk to sixty people who walk by. (The people below and above me are always exceptions to that though, I have awesome neighbors.)

I have never done what others have already done in their lives. I’ve always had second hand stuff and what I’ve gotten new were gifts. I’ve never bought furniture. I’ve never bought a bed. This is the stuff i find myself wanting to do now. So much money i flushed down the drain in the last twenty years, and it’s really disappointing to realize this now. HOwever, there is nothing I can do about that now. I can only be smarter going forward. And that’s my goal.

I’ve gotten a lot of debt paid off. And I feel pretty proud of myself that I am looking at the future, instead of dealing day to day. It’s a new experience, and I”m sure that’s where some of the anxiety comes from as well. I’m going to start working on the creative visualization on finding a cheap house close by with a nice yard and a fence. 🙂

Max is doing so much better than he was. I was freaking out, and I didn’t realize how worried I’d made myself. Until I wasn’t worrying about him anymore. Dr. Gold got him better, right now he’s just got some arthritis issues, but for the most part 100% better. A friend made him a ramp for the car, and now we can go every where.

Now to find a place we can go that there’s not 100 people around. That’s the main reason I don’t go anywhere. The traffic around here is HORRIBLE! I hate dealing with that these days.

But my Max… he’s doing great. He took me for a great walk this morning. He pushed himself too. He didn’t want to rest, he walked the entire time we were out. He’s going to celebrate 7 years with Mom tomorrow.

I love that furball more than I can even describe. He’s the best. Expensive, but the best. I’m pretty sure we got him stable now though, and the glucosamine is making all the difference in the world. (I think I calculated $800 since December, in vet expenses.) He’s happier than I’ve seen him in a very long time.

Have a great day .

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