Realization

Yes, I know I”m still talking about the band, but this time, I’m blaming Mom for it. We were talking today, and she mentioned to me that they’re coming. I said yeah, I know. I’m not going.

I heard crickets for a minute. “Why not?” She asked me.

And I spilled my guts out. After doing so, I go to thinking about why it’s been bothering me so much. I watched them grow into this. And I think that’s what bothers me. They weren’t always like that. Back when they were touring for War is the Answer. That was back when I first seen them live for the first time.

That was a strange part of my life. Chad was living with me. And I will tell you I was not a happy camper. Not for that reason per say, but that was when I was living in the single apartment. I had moved Chad in after knowing him for 4 days. Not one of my wisest decisions, but we all learned.

I was working with a wrestling promotion. And I had a lot of men in my life. I was hitting rock bottom and I was looking for something to take me out of it. I needed something. Anything. To stop my downward spiral.

That was when I discovered Five Finger Death Punch. The first song I remember hearing was “Stranger than Fiction” of all songs. It was on my way to work one day, I remember what exit I was by and everything. Weird, I know but I loved the title to the song, and I loved the guy’s voice. I was really trying to work on my writing, which I think I just liked the word Fiction in the title. : )

Another morning, I heard Never Enough, and that changed everything for me. It made me realize that, at that point in my life, it really was never enough. No matter what I did. Oh, that song made me fall in love with this band.

Colette flew out here and I picked her up at the airport, and we drove all night to Reno to see them at the Knitting Factory. They had played Salt Lake City before this, but there was a man on tour with their openers, Shadow’s Fall, that was going to get me the tickets, and I knew that he was expecting something in return, and ya know what, That’s just not me. I was with Chad at the time, and I realized that I didn’t want that loser to ruin my first live experience with this new band of mine.

I didn’t need people like him in my life anyway. He was an attachment to a chapter of my life that I”m not ready to revisit. Then or now. It’s a reminder of how naive I was once. I still am in a lot of ways, but that one… Just really showed me how mean the world really is.

When we went to Reno, we did a meet and greet at the Hot Topic. I wrote Ivan a note on the Harrah’s note pad, and told him “I know I look 12 right now,, I’m sorry” and I gave him the note. He put it in his pants pocket and that’s what I remember of that meet and greet. The note said, thanks for doing what you love so much that my best. friend and I can make memories. Or something along those lines. It was cheesy, and I really did look 12.

I did see Roger at that show, Shadow’s Fall was still touring with them, but he didn’t see us. Colette and I can hide quite well. And it was fun. We met Jeremy and Matt that night… We were tourist in the city, just to turn around and go home the next morning.

That was a fun night… probably one of the last real fun times I had with Colette. It was. After that, she met her significant other, and she’s never been out here since. That was almost a decade ago? Holy shit. I mean, wow.

I’ve seen them explode since then, and I’m not sure I’ve enjoyed that journey. It really was the money, the fame that changed everything, and Ivan’s voice … sang of these. That’s always killed me, that there was that big loud “Hey, I’m having issues here” and what it looked like to me, is that no one gave a shit.

I know that I wasn’t there, and I know that I know nothing behind the truth of the matter. At this stage of the game, I’m talking from my heart. Because I have all these mixed emotions that I”m working through on so many topics, I have to talk it out. It’s not like those guys give a shit about this one person thinks anyway. Yeah, I share, but I’ve never once had views in double digits, so I think I’m pretty safe to say, that my words don’t impact many.

Since this is going to be therapy for me, I want you to know that this is just my impressions, my thoughts. It was PERCEPTION.

Just making sure that if anyone really does find this page, that they know that I’m not putting words in anyone’s mouth. That being said. …

I don’t know what it is. I’ve had a soft spot for Ivan since the beginning. It really is a so ft spot too, because I genuinely feel like I want to protect him from bad things, bad people. Because of that I learned I needed to stop following him on social media and reading stuff on the internet. Because I really started to feel bad because what in the hell could I do? Who am I? No one in his world, really. It wasn’t normal that I felt that way, and it really bothered me that I did.

I did okay for awhile, but I’d check up on him every now and then and have a small cow of some sort, but it wasn’t my place and it wasn’t any of my business. The last time was when that woman, who ever the hell she was, said she was his wife, and he beat her. I didn’t find out what the outcome of that was, because really… I know this isn’t right, but there had to have been a reason. That’s all there is to it. I asked myself what the hell did she do? If he really did do it. Like I said, I know that wasn’t right, but I just know… she had to have done something.

But that’s what I’m saying, the way I feel, isn’t normal. At all. Even a little bit. I don’t know the guy. I did however hang out with him once.

For a while there, I really did romantasize it in my brain, but I didn’t need to do that, it was pretty awesome for what it was. I’ve never, eVER had more fun in my life, than I did that night. And I created it all! YES I DID! And at the end of it, Ivan shakes my hand and tells me, “Thank you. And I really mean that.” I truly believed him.

Best night of my life. I had so much damn fun… that roulette wheel. I’d always wanted a night like that.

I met all the guys on that cruise ship. But Ivan was my special memory. I wish I could explain it, yes i can, he seen me, and he acknowledged me. The day we loaded the boat. The night on the stage, and the entire evening in the casino. I also embarrassed myself, and by the end of the cruise, he knew my name if he didn’t already. But it was innocent, and he genuinely appreciated me for the support I had for the band. That’s what that was.

This was the American Capitalist era, when this album was released.

But that’s for tomorrow’s story… 🙂

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