That was when I was with Chad. My one and only boyfriend in my adult life. I was not happy at all in that relationship. I felt more like his mother, than a girlfriend. Needless to say, that relationship didn’t last all that long. When it ended, there was a lot of hard feelings. On my part. I was not very nice.
I resented him for so many different reasons. War is the Answer though, was an album that helped me work through a lot of crap. I had quite the year after I made Chad move out. It wasn’t pretty by any means.
I can remember what I had going on in my life when each of the albums came out, which is probably another reason I’m so attached to them. They’ve got me through some tough stuff with their music pushed me through.
The first one, after Chad believe it or not. Salvation. The Bleeding. (I will touch base as well to where this song, made me love them that much more as well.) Never Enough. I walked away from some pretty big things in my life at this time. WAR was the biggest thing. In fact, I’ve kept that one pretty quiet for what, 8 years? That one was a hard one for me. Really hard. None of those guys have any idea what in the hell happened to me. I pretty much disappeared from their world. I deleted Facebook friends, changed my phone number and blocked email addresses. I was gone.
That part hurt, quite a lot, but it was definitely something I had to do. For my own peace of mind. I really had strong feelings for someone that I shouldn’t have, and I couldn’t go down that road. He was a good friend, and I do mean a truly honest to good friend. I think he would have done anything for me. But he couldn’t, and he shouldn’t.
That one HURT. I can’t even pretend. He doesn’t know that. I never did anything about it out of respect for his wife. Yeah, he was married. That’s why he never once knew anything. I couldn’t do that, I couldn’t be that person. That’s just not me.
So i pretty much fell off the face of their world shortly after that. I got Max actually. This was a transistion period, where I stepped away from any and all of that, and began to enjoy my new responsibility!
And damn, was he. This was the summer that I met the man that gave me Max. He stayed home with Max when I decided to go see FFDP at the Salt Air. I decided the day off. I bought my ticket off of some lady that ended up not being able to go at the last minute. This was the American Capitalist tour. Ryan stayed home with Max so I could go. The first time I heard Ivan sing the chorus of American Capitalist, I was weak in the knees!
Ryan was really important to me that summer. He was a good friend. He cared about me too, no matter what he says. We were friends. I appreciated him, after all, I wouldn’t have Max now if it wasn’t for him. He knew something I didn’t, and i have to say, I’m glad.
In the beginning with Max, it was tough. I didn’t tell my family I had him for the first two months of his life with me. I only told them when I did was when. Rich made a surprise visit and met him for the first time.
American Capitalist was … I guess looking back now, a surprise, but it shouldn’t be. That should have said EVERYTHING to me… but I was naive. Through this time, I was trying to figure myself out. I still ahven’t but I have more so now, than I ever have before. I’m still not there, but I”m feeling much better about a lot of things
In my life, I never had boyfriends. I definitely never had confidence in myself. It was over the last 7 years that it’s happened. The consistent things I have had, are Max. Five Finger Death Punch. Kara. My family. I’ve had several job changes, but these things are always there.
The boys though, aren’t even a part of my life. I made them be. So I guess, that’s why I”m so mad at myself. However, I still am in no hurry to run out and buy that new album. I’ve already got the impression that it was for the lawsuit, and it’s not about the fans anymore. It’s a great big middle finger in the air. I don’t even want to find out.
I know the way I feel is my own fault. These guys can do whatever they want. I talk about Ivan singing about how he’s feeling about stuff, right there..American Capitalist. Thinking about it now, I suspect that he had issues with selling his soul.
I still care about that guy. I really want him to be happy in his life. I truly want him to find peace in his life. Whatever that means. Whatever that takes. Bottom line. I’ve come to grips I need to let that shit go though, because …. I can’t keep investing in what doesn’t invest back. Bottom line.
That’s all my own doing. But that’s… for yet another day.