I’ve been on a roller coaster this year where my boys are concerned. And honestly, it was me coming to grips of growing up. I really do care about those guys personally. In addition to the whole.
I joke that I’m going to marry Ivan, but … I’d really just like to have a little while to talk about a few things. I have been thinking about the friendship he and I once had, on Facebook of all places. I realize now, he really did read what I wrote him, and that… I know was what he meant. He appreciated what I had to say.
I got selfish though, I don’t know how people can handle the entitlement of this generation. Everyone deserves something. That’s what I seen on his page, people always asking for stuff. It got to where it really was bothering me, or I wouldn’t have ever deleted him.
Yes, I deleted him. I sent him a note as to why when I did it. I never heard from him or anything after that, so I know that’s the part of me that’s secretly hoping that some day, we’ll have that chance to talk. But I also know, the chances of that, really are pretty slim.
From what I understand,, he deleted his page, and has steered clear of social media. Can’t say that I blame him. I don’t use it like I used to. The page I spend the most time on, is this one.
All my anger towards the guys, had not one single thing to do with that guys. I know that. Though, I was hurt to know that the other guys were saying things about Ivan. But that’s in every work environment. Unfortunately, they’re in theirs way more than the norm. It would get to be too much.
That’s none of my business. Bottom line. I will hold a grudge over the leaving Never Enough off of the greatest hits album, but the rest … it’s not my concern.
It’s been. 8 years since that first time. Hard to believe that they were once so tiny, and now they’re headlining Usana. Not going to lie, wasn’t excited about Usana. But that had a lot to do with my wild imagination. I realize now that I can go on my own, and there will be friends to talk to there, and I will get to see Five. Finger. Death. Punch.
I didn’t want to go, and for all the wrong reasons. Then it was a switch that went on, and I can’t think of anywhere else I’d rather be that day. I honestly am really excited to know that I get to hang out with people … and socialize. I can’t even remember the last time I’ve socialized!!!!
That’s a four day weekend as well for me. I’m so excited. I can’t even tell you how much I’ve been looking forward to that weekend.
However, I still have no idea on how in the hell I’m going to manage to get ahold of a Zoltan pick. Or a Jeremy drumstick, but honestly, I want the Z thing behind me first .. I can only concentrate on one thing at a time…. As for Ivan, I named my baseball. bat Ivan, the one that is there “In Case of Emergency”… I don’t need anything from him, for him… I’ve got my memory of him, and honestly, that is the best thing I could ask for.
I know I’m not going to marry him, if you ask me, he should probably work on himself for awhile. Just my opinion. But it will be nice to see him up there on the stage, hopefully enjoying what he used to love so much…. Chris too. All of them. I worry about Jeremy and that back of his… I’m nervous about seeing him, because I know he’s in pain… and that struggle of sobriety, and wanting the pain gone…. I really worry.
They aren’t my friends, but they are still men I care about. I don’t know what they’ve got going on in their personal lives, but I know what makes headlines. But above all, people need to remember this… they’re just guys. Bottom line, they have their own lives to live. But if ever given the chance, yes, I would love to chat with each of them. Just because in the last decade, so much has happened. To each of them, and to them as a whole.
And that helped me through my stuff. I don’t listen to them all the time. In fact, I’ve been listening to some soft stuff lately. America, James Taylor, Carpenters, you get my point. But they are special to me, and that… will always be.
Deep down, I know that maybe I had a romantic notion, but … that’s the day dreamer in me. Because of my day dreams though, I’m not living my life. And I think that’s why I’ve been on such a roller coaster.
Letting go of my band. Or, growing up.
It’s growing up. I know that I’m not going to have Ivan knock on my door. But I will have him up on that stage singing on top of his lungs, and …. doing what I know he loves to do. Because of that, it gave me courage when I didn’t think I had any.
That part is true.
But of course, if Ivan wants to show up on my door step, he’s more than welcome to. 🙂
On that note, I’m actually pretty tired. I’ve been working pretty hard these past few days. So, I’m going to sit in front of the tv and watch a few more episodes of Unsolved Mysteries. One of these has the Paulding Light on it…. Here’s something silly to know. I like to watch the episodes that have things from home, because it makes me less home sick. I just remembered, Ghost Adventures had the Paulding Light on it too!
Last note, if you’re interested, there’s a movie out there called The Paulding Light. It’s not great. Hell, it’s not even good, but … watch it. It’s made up there, and … i really miss that area.