To this day, I have always fought to be accepted. It stems from when I was a kid and used to get teased a lot by a lot of the kids I went to school with.
I’ve always been different. As I get older, I’ve learned a few things about the things that happened to me as a kid. Luckily, things that I don’t remember. Not that anyone did anything, but when I was a kid, I wasn’t exactly normal. I had things happening to me that most girls didn’t have until they were in their teen years.
I always wanted to just be accepted, but for the most part, that didn’t happen in my life. Or at least, not in the ways I wanted them to. For example, when I lived in Milwaukee, I loved hanging out at this club. It was … well, the Rock Shop. Live music five days a week. I loved it there. But I never felt accepted.
Meaning, I never got invited to the after bar parties. I did once though, and even though I never though I was accepted, the owner of the place, wouldn’t let anything happen to me.
So, even if I didn’t get to hang out, he had my back. I was drinking a lot more back then, and I ended up passing out on his living room floor in a full house, but he didn’t let one person mess with me.
So, though I didn’t feel accepted, I was respected.
Two different things. The club owner, I honestly believe now, he just knew that I didn’t belong in that scene. I really was an innocent person, who was trying to hard to be a part of the cool crowd. But I never was. But every time, those guys… had my back. They stopped me from doing really stupid stuff on more than one occasion.
That’s happened a lot through out my life. I really wanted to be a part of it. But people… they knew that it would have eaten me alive.
I’m a small town kid. I really thought that I wanted to be there, but … deep down, people were protecting me. They knew I didn’t belong.
With the boys… I didn’t have a lot in my life over the last 8 years. I’ve had three things that I loved. My family, my dog, and 5FDP. And that’s what it’s been. Instead of finding something real in my life, I kept searching for acceptance, in a place that I didn’t need it. For what those guys bring into my life, it really is acceptance. I’m accepted for the support and appreciation that I bring to them. That’s real.
But … wanting to be part of a scene that I long for… it’s not their job to welcome me with open arms. They’ve always appreciated me for what I brought to that game. Support and appreciation. Will we ever be buddies? I think that’s pretty clear that it is a no, and no matter what I feel in my gut or my mind… that’s really all it is.
Though I’ve been in the back ground for that long, and I’ve begged to be brought up front, there is no reason for me to be. All I do is buy albums and concert tickets. Very rarely, merchandise.
I also think that it’s pretty clear, that any issues I have with them…. any of them, is clearly my issue. I attached myself to all of them, because it was what I held on to for so long.
Not normal, but I haven’t been exactly normal my entire life.
It’s been hard my entire life, trying to overcome this. I’ve had it in a lot of different areas. Work’s always been a hard one for me, because I always fought for appreciation or at least recognition in the work place, but I’ve always had bosses and co workers that either ignored me, or kept their thumbs on me.
At least, that’s how it’s been until now. I have a job now, that I’ve never felt so good about… well, since C&H. I loved that job, and they treated me good there, but because I was an idiot, I left. I worked years since then, to find something else even remotely close to what I had there. And I can say, that 15 plus years later, I finally found it. And it’s helping me work on the rest of the areas that I need to.
It’s hard to think that if I hadn’t left there, where would I be in life. I can’t think about that though, because there’s not one thing I can do about it today. Not one.
The first time I seen this picture, it remind of me always trying to fit where I didn’t belong. I know that it’s something that we deal with through out our lives, but most people have that stuff figured out well before they’re my age.
I’m just now getting a grasp on it. Because for so long, it’s what I’ve done. If it wasn’t Five Finger Death Punch, it was Jackyl. My whole adult life, I’ve attached myself to men in bands, instead of going out to try to find something real.
I even attached myself to a guy through letters. I think what it was, is that I always felt safer that way, because rejection wasn’t so evident. It was in inevitable, but it wasn’t obvious. Until 15 years later. Luckily, this time, it didn’t take as long.
Which brings me to my poem.
I reached out to Zoltan, Chris and Jeremy from 5FDP this week. I wanted to get a copy of the poem to Ivan, which is why I reached out to Zoltan. Anyone who’s read any of my rantings, know that I have a poem that helped me name this site.
My Autobiography in Five Short Chapters.
I wanted to give it to Chris, Ivan and Jeremy because of the struggles that they’ve been through. Ivan especially I guess, because I wanted him to have something that he could look at on a bad day, and help him figure out, what can he do differently this time.
In any situation. It’s my interpretation, that this guy’s a genuinely good guy, that has the same kind of issues I do. The biggest thing with him, is I have watched the band’s success through out the years, and I know that at times, the success has been a bit much for him. All that touring, performing, and not being able to deal with real life in real life… I’m sure it tends to get to a person. I have a hard time with my life, and I don’t do anything different day to day.
I guess I got to thinking about how it’s helped me through out the years. Chapter Five is where I’m at in a lot of areas in my life, and it’s taken time to get here.
I guess, for all three of them, I wanted them to just have something small when things got hard.
I share this poem with a lot of people because it helps put things into perspective. Helps them think, what can I do differently than I’ve done before this time. For me it helps me think faster to get through the situation faster.
For them, I thought it might help with matters of addictions. It’s got to be hard to live that life, and have access to things even when you don’t want it. People around bringing it, offering it… when you want to stop feeling, I can appreciate how easy that would be, to succumb to the yearnings.
I don’t want that to happen though. I don’t. Not for them, not for any addict I know. I want people who genuinely want to do better, be able to be better. What ever it takes, and yes, I think that highly of the poem. I know what it did for me, so I don’t think it’s so wrong to want others to benefit from it.
I highly doubt at this point, I’m going to get that chance. So I’ll post it here.
I really just wanted to give it to them in person, but … who doesn’t want something from them in person. With Black Rifle here in town, not to mention all the Vet groups they support, I’m pretty confident that they’ve got better things going on.
But even now, even at 46, it’s like I still want to sit at home and wait for the phone to ring, because I just know they’re going to call…. the phone’s not going to ring. As much as I have tried, I really can’t figure out what I could offer that someone else couldn’t. I mean, I have my kick ass personality and even better sense of humor, but … just because I want to be friends, doesn’t mean we need to be friends.
That really blows, because honestly, most people need to be my friend. Except creepy neighbor guy.
Speaking of which, I have to tell you what got my into my predicament.
7 am, I’m outside having a smoke. I hear music. The more I listen, the more I start to recognize “Lift Me Up”. I of course have to recognize this, and he goes on a speel about Rob Halford being gay. My response? “What does that have to do with anything, he’s Rob fucking Halford!”
But it was the fact that I recognized 5FDP that got the conversation started. I didn’t know that by recognizing that, I would open the door to the neighborhood loser to think he’s now my friend. I talk to EVERYONE in this neighborhood. EVERYONE. There is not one person I don’t say hi to. So, I thought I was just being neighborly.
Because honestly, I want to know the people around me. And what I learned about that guy? He bought one Five Finger Death Punch album, has never once been sober for any of the concerts he’s ever gone to, and he’s done every single drug under the sun. Out of all of that, he gets one point for the album. He also lives off of his mother, and is too damn lazy to work to contribute anything to the household. And what he contributes to the neighborhood is … the feeling that I live in the slums.
My point before I went off on the tangent… It’s okay if I’m not friends with everyone under the sun. As cool as I am, well, I guess it’s just a matter of opinion. Cuz I’m pretty damn cool.
I’m off to do housework before the day begins.
#fivefingerdeathpunch #rowzrocks #ivanmoody #jeremyspencer #chriskael