Soul Searching

I haven’t been writing much lately. I have new neighbors that have never lived in an apartment before, who have no regard for others, that hAve taken my peace and quiet away. Last night, the music was so loud, I couldn’t hear my tV. I had been so luckilyup until now. But it is like the universe is telling me, it’s time to get out of apartment life. I have officially started to despise where I live.

I have had a few eye opening experiences over the last few months. I’ve learned that the same things go on In every single office. Just different people. That sucked, because it was great being blind to it. People talk, and no matter how much I try to ignore it, eventually what they’re saying sinks in, and little things become so obvious.

Every place. There isn’t one place that is void of unnecessary drama. Someone’s always wanting power. Of some sort. It’s just deciding if you want to be drama free, or if you want to “play the game”. I, personally, don’t want to play the game. I want to just go to work, do my job, get out of there.

What really bothered me, is I push myself hard. Every single day. But when I got told one day, it wasn’t good enough, it got to me. Because I had given my all every day up until that point, and they wanted more? How much more can I give?

Like I said, that sort of thing is in every work place. Every single one. And when you know you’re giving 100%, but they want more… it’s hard to keep wanting to go on. I’m disappointed in that. I’m tired as hell as it is.

I have decided that at some point, I want to be my own boss. I’ve got a few ideas that I don’t feel ready to write about yet, but I’m hoping to work on my follow through for my writing. Eventually, I’d like to be back in Wisconsin, and I’d like to concentrate on sharing what there is around me when I get back there. Here in Utah though, there’s not much I feel like sharing. The air quality is awful here. People blame the corporations, I blame vehicles. When I say that, I realize now that I should be doing more for that myself, so I have made a side note to start working on that as well. I think about it, but the actions not there.

I think we all have that though, thoughts without follow through. Something I’m working on in this time. I hate that I’ve had so many ideas, and none of them were ever seen through. Most of them, not worth the time, but the ones that are… I’m officially trying to work on.

I’ve let a lot of other people that I have known through life, hold the pen to my story. That has all been my fault, because I’ve always been a follower. Not that I have to be a LEADER, but I don’t need to be a follower. I’ve got a pretty open mind, and I can think outside the box. I don’t need to follow. I’ve been thinking, and I don’t want to.

I dont’ enjoy my life here in Utah. I’m glad that I’ve had the time with my family, but I really don’t enjoy the city life. The traffic, the air, the people… The cost of living. I spend way too much on rent. And I don’t want to anymore. I don’t want to keep Max in an apartment anymore. He should be able to have a yard. Especially now that the arthritis is bothering him.

He doesn’t like it either, and I’m noticing he’s staying away from the medications. Like he knows what it is, and just doesn’t want it. It worried me at first because I didn’t want him to be in pain, but now… I realize, he just doesn’t want to be medicated all the time anymore. Which I can’t blame him. So, we’re working on other remedies. He has been moving more though, and the last few days, hes’ even taken me for walks every day. But he deserves a yard.

Another year came, and I’m officially 47. But it was a great birthday. I enjoyed it tremendously, and it made me get to thinking that this is the most adult I’ve ever been before. And it feels pretty good actually. I mean, sure I’m not perfect, but I’m doing good. Better than I’ve ever been. And it feels WONDERFUL! I love it!

My point? No one is ever going to the hold the pen in my story. Not anymore. It’s not fair to ME. I don’t know why it took so long, but I’m glad that I’ve been able to get to this point… and get to figure things out.

However, it doesn’t state anywhere, that it has to be the SAME pen as I write though. I like to use markers, colored pencils, crayons …. 🙂

I have to tell you though, how I bought myself a cd on my birthday. Kara had left a Shinedown mix cd for me, and I had it in the car. I realized I knew four songs on that mix. Don’t get me wrong, I love Shinedown, and all their music is worth listening to, I wanted familiar Shinedown.

I can’t remember the last time I went looking for a cd in an actual store. But on the way home from Mom and Dad’s, I stopped at Shopko. There it was, “The Sound of Madness”.

God, I love that song.

That cd as a whole, is by far one of my favorites. And the last time I remember doing that for my birthday, was when I turned 22, and Mom and I went to Baraga to gamble. I won on Let it Ride that day, so when we stopped at the Co-op on the way home, I bought Toby Keith’s FIRST album. The one with “Should’ve Been a Cowboy”. I realized that was 25 years ago.

Wow. It was nice to have the memory though, and realize that it’s okay to still love music and treat myself to a cd from time to time. Until that Shinedown Mix, I hadn’t had any other cd playing in my car since the “Greatest Hits” by 5FDP came out.

That album still disappoints me, it’s not right that “Never Enough” wasn’t on it. That’s a true part of their history, and what does it say when it’s not on a compilation of that history? But my point, is that was what was in my CD player. (Still don’t have that new album. I’m not sure why I haven’t made it a priority. )

My heart kind of broke for Jason Hook when I seen he was promoting a new guitar model. New guitar company. That means one of the things I talked about a year ago, happened, and he’s not being supported by Gibson. That one had to have hurt. I mean, real pain. So, I really felt for him. When I seen them in July, there was something different about him, and I guess I can see it now. The guy … probably is genuinely hurt through out the last year or so. For that, I do feel for him. I honestly want to hug him right now. And apologize for being such a butt last year. I was hurt too, but I was just upset. I didn’t have a right to be in the first place. Truly, all of that is NONE OF MY BUSINESS.

Ivan looks fantastic. There’s a picture of him and his dog that makes me see that he’s doing okay. I’m so glad that most of those guys, are dog guys. (Jason likes cats. There’s one in every bunch. Cat people. 🙂 I’m just allergic. That’s my issue with those animals.)

Zoltan’s working in the Africa with one of his groups, regarding Anti Poaching. With that being said, probably should look into that and share it with you. There’s a video he shared about the group, and the dog looks like it’s driving the Jeep… that alone makes me share it. Not to mention, if it’s something others believe in, I don’t mind sharing it. Out of all the things Z does in his spare time, it’s the easiest one for me to understand. He’s got a lot of interests I tell ya.

Time to get ready for work. I shall return.

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