Ya know, I don’t understand myself. I’m 47 years old, and I’m single. I joke when people talk about it with me, I’m holding out for Ivan Moody.

Realistically, I’m not. But I have been single for 8 years. That’s kind of weird, don’t you think? Maybe not to some, but I haven’t really been looking either. The only males in my life during that time, were Max and Five Finger Death Punch.

I didn’t realize I had done it again. It’s easier for some one like me to feel feelings for a band, instead of one person. It’s what I’ve done since I was a teenager. I always had the day dreams about the band guys. I didn’t have any boyfriends in high school. I had no self esteem, and few friends. That was when I found pen palling.

I was weird even then. I was really a day dreamer, because it was just easier to cope. Reality really wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be. I had been dealing with hormone issues pretty much my entire life, and I didn’t realize that… until NOW. Now, as I’m starting to go through the change, and I’m actually feeling more sane than I ever have before.

I see things clearer now though. And though I tell people I’m joking about Ivan, I really don’t think I am. I mean, seriously, the best night of my life was with him. Seriously, that last night on ship rocked on the roulette table…

Because of that one night, I found myself a part time job. I am now dealing cards for casino parties here in Utah. I’ve done one so far, but the busy season is about to start. It’s going to be crazy. But this Friday night, I get to deal roulette. I’m so excited. I hope I can give some players the experience that I had on Shiprocked.

I ended that night with a 00, I cashed out on Ivan’s advice. I finished with the same $40 I started with. I made everyone money that night. The dealers. The players. Ivan’s dealers. I had the best time that night.

It’s not that I am trying to relive that night. I dealt in a casino for 3 years. I loved dealing, and the only reason I quit was because I moved out to Utah the first time. It’s fun interaction, and I really to miss the social aspect. I don’t socialize at all anymore. Ever it seems. I work. I come home.

It occurred to me after an issue I was having about my finances. I needed to figure something out. I needed to start banking more money, and I wanted more play money. I hate that I was so damn restricted, and for so many reasons, I felt like I was being treated like a damn kid. I needed to do something to find my freedom.

So I looked up dealing for parties, and wala. I have done one party so far, it turned out to be the biggest party that they’d ever done. It’s single deck blackjack on the blackjack tables. A lot of shuffling!

Honestly, there are a few things that make me speculate on if I’ve lost all my marbles, or if I really think that Ivan and I could go for coffee sometime.

He’s got a freakin awesome sense of humor. He’s generous. He’s been donating sleeping bags for homeless teens in each city they’re playing in. Honestly, I sincerely am so proud of him since he started this journey he’s on now. There was one picture of him that I seen on his Instagram page, of him and his dog. That picture told me, he’s happy in his life. He found that place, and I felt so happy for him.

I know it’s silly. But I’ve got nothing else right now. I don’t even know how to think about dating. I’ve never really done what you’ve called “dated”. Seriously. If I were to tell you about my love life, you’d understand why I’ve been single for 8 years.

I realize that a big reason is, I’ve been waiting for something real. I don’t want to be used, abused, taken for granted or any of that other crap. I don’t want drama. I want honesty, trust, and space. God knows, I’ll need my space. Years and years, I joked about a rock star boyfriend, but really, I think that would be ideal. I’m pretty sure he’d need his space too.

I hadn’t looked at this picture in a long time, but I brought it up yesterday. I was hugging that man so tight in this picture. He held up a poker game to take this. What a guy. šŸ™‚ Seriously, this really did mean a lot to me. Ivan and I had been friends on Facebook before this, and he welcomed me when he seen me on his way to the ship when the cruise started. He genuinely, is a nice man.

I also just noticed, that one chin is gone. Whoohooo!

I got on the scale the other day, and I seen a number I don’t remember ever seeing before. In a good way. It was wonderful.

I seriously could keep talking tonight. I think I got to thinking about love, and relationships because I talked to my ex’ boyfriend earlier tonight. He actually reached out to me, kindly. He’d recently lost his aunt, and I knew she thought of me fondly. He reminded me of that. It was a nice conversation, but I ended up feeling bad because I was thinking about things… I felt melancholy I suppose the word would be.

I don’t know why. It wasn’t until recently that I even really started to notice I hated being along ALL THE TIME. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love Max, but I don’t always understand what he’s trying to tell me!

But I wasn’t about to start looking to meet someone when I wasn’t in charge of my own finances. (I am not ready to talk about this yet.) I freaking had $20 a week. Does anyone know what $20 gets you these days? Not much that’s for sure.

I was seriously stressing out because it drove me nuts, and constantly being reminded that I owe them money, they did this for me they did that for me, it really started to bother me. Especially when the nice things that they did do for me, was being tossed back at me like “LOOK WHAT WE DID FOR YOU, NOW YOU OWE US.”

I didn’t ask for it, which is why it always bothered me so much. I was being treated nicely, only to be made to feel bad about it later. It was never just the nice gesture. It always came back ON me.

It was my fault that they didn’t go anywhere. Always worried about me. I’m such a screw up, I can’t be trusted. That’s what the words would insinuate. I’d had it. Simply had it. I resented being the blame.

So, that was when I looked for the card dealing gig. I also donate plasma 2x a week. I like the place I go to, if I get the right people. It’s a positive experience, because I’ve heard some wonderful stories from other donors about how plasma has either helped them, or helped others. Not to mention, it’s a good time to sit and actually watch tv. I don’t do that anymore. Ever it seems. TV is always on, but I rarely watch it. Like right now, Unsolved Mysteries is on.

I found the financial freedom at least. I have money most of the time, and I’m able to run to the store to pick something up if I need it. That’s amazing. Simply amazing.

Anyway, back to the original point, maybe I am joking about Ivan. Maybe I’m not. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say that he’s the one missing out if he doesn’t give me a shot. I’m damn interesting, and I’m cute. And I’m funny as hell.

Not to mention, I don’t drink alcohol. Coffee though, different ball game. šŸ˜‰

2 thoughts on “Ivan

    1. I very much enjoy the independence. I sincerely just find myself not wanting to sit home all the time. Where everyone else has experienced this aspect life, I have not. Think of me on the lines of a young adolescent mindset when it comes to love, romance and relationships. Iā€™m very inexperienced in that aspect of life. Trust me, the last thing I want in my life is to go from one extreme – single – to another -commitment-.

      Liked by 1 person

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