I have had the Jeffersons theme song going through my head off and on for about a month now. One day, it started with two songs. That one, and “Sycronicity” by the Police. What a strange combination, I know, but it’s all starting to make sense.
The apartment I’m moving to faces East. The Rockies. It’s got all the upgrades that this place doesn’t have. I mean, you can tell I’ve been here as long as I have and it wasn’t fixed up before I got here. Which was fine for the most part, but it wasn’t until recently that I realized that I just can’t stand it anymore.
It’s not that it’s changed. It’s that I changed. It’s more that I have come to realize that I deserve better. I mean, I’m 47. I can afford to live in a place that looks better. Not only that, the biggest thing, is that it feels dingy.
When I moved in here, I moved in here in the midst of my depression. It was within the year, that I had my first real breakdown. I mean, I turned myself off of everything. I had to take a leave from work, and everything.
It wasn’t the high point in my life, but it was when I realized I couldn’t do it alone. I needed help. So, that was when I found the staff that helped me get on track. I don’t go there anymore, but I will recommend anyone to go there. I will go back, but honestly, the last time I went back, I brought my therapist a cup of coffee, and felt like I had to catch up with an old friend.
It was them though, that got me on the right track. Talking about things that I had always been afraid to talk about, that really… wasn’t bad at all. I let myself feel ashamed of things I had done, and they helped me with that forgiveness. After that, I found it on my own.
My point is, I’ve been here since then. I don’t want to be reminded of that darkness, because I still feel it here. No matter how many times I sage, vacuum, shampoo the rugs, that feeling NEVER goes away.
So, yeah, I decided that it’s okay for me to upgrade. My dad though… I think he’s worried about me, that I won’t be able to maintain a new place. This is going to be chapter 4. You can damn well believe that I’m not ever going to let myself feel that way again. If I can help it.
Mental health is something that people thank for granted. So many people have others that they depend on to get them through things, some people have themselves. I found that to be the case with me. Though people try to understand, they never completely get it. Because they’ve never been there themselves. And even if they have been, it’s different for all of us.
With that being said, I’m so excited for this upgrade. George and Weezy’s song is what’s going through my head, because I am movin’ on up… Because I’ve earned it, I deserve it, and so does Max. He wants that peace of mind too. I’m sure if I feel it, he does too.
The biggest worry for them though, is that they see old habits that remind them of someone else we all loved. But the thing is, she didn’t have the access to the things that we do now. And by golly, I’m going to be the best person I can be, for her, for me, and for … well, Me and Her. 🙂 I want to show everyone that I’m not the lost cause that they thought I once was. I need to show my strength to be …. to quote the Army, all that I can be.
This isn’t as organized as I hoped it would be, but I’m really doing my best to get back into the habit of writing. Especially since I truly to want to share so someone out there might be able to find some hope when they feel like everyone’s given up. No one’s given up. It’s up to you to keep going. You got this.