Trial Separation

I made a comment this week, that made me laugh. I’m in a trial separation with my band.

I had come to terms with what I was doing … again. I needed something, that something became Five Finger Death Punch. But when the eye opener came, that truly, their world didn’t even include a notion of me, it hurt.

I mean seriously, why did I even think that it did. I wanted to. I wanted something, and I wanted to matter to someone.

It’s always easier to grab hold to people in the public eye. I had one good night with Ivan, and I realize now… that was for me. ME NOW. I finally realized what it was about that night that I loved so much, and it was that game of roulette. I had such a good time playing roulette with those dealers, having Ivan playing numbers for me. It was the perfect game of roulette.

It had nothing to do with Ivan, but he did contribute. It was me, going back to my days as a roulette dealer, finally getting to be the player. It wasn’t the gambling. it was the fun experience.

As a roulette dealer, I create those games. I found this company here in Salt Lake that does casino games. Yes, it’s legal because the games are not for real money. It’s for points. It’s for parties.

I really can’t put my fingers on it, but it feels like I’ve let go. I suppose that’s a good thing, but … now what.

I’ll figure it all out, I know. One day at a time. That’s all I’ve really got anyway.

I do know why I’ve always been that way through my life. It’s easier to hurt that way, than to hurt with a real broken heart. At the same time though, when it all does happen, that whole love thing, it will be real.

And since I can’t be completely serious about putting myself out there, I have come to grips with what I’m looking for. I’m Tristian, looking for my Isabel 2. 🙂

Legends of the Fall. On of my all time favorite movies. I loved Tristian’s love with Isabel 2. It was sweet.

Seriously though, I’m off for the day now. Thank you for taking time out of your day to read my blog. I’m still working on my whole blogging experience, but for now, like I said before, I want to get in the habit of writing every day. There will be purpose. I assure you.

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