I have been afraid a good part of my adult life. Afraid of what, I’m still not 100% clear on, but the fears been there. Because of that fear, there’s a lot of things I haven’t done.

I don’t like that. I mean, I know I can still do things, but I ask myself, where did that fear come from? I realize now, that I didn’t do a lot of things because of the eye roll. You have a Mom, you know the eye roll. I guess I didn’t want to disappoint her. But I realize now, she does it to everyone about everything. Because she thinks we’re weird! I mistook her disinterest as “don’t do it” where it was more like “You and your crazy ideas”. You know what I mean? She never once said don’t do it.

Ever.

Not that I have any wild ideas to go and try something new. I would love to, but I’ve got small picture things to deal with. Like my move. That’s still a big thing. I don’t know why I have held on to so many different things that are still in this apartment. I couldn’t be more excited that some of these are leaving! I’m not taking very much with me if I can help it. Just for the sake that I’ve never gotten myself anything new before. Now’s the time!

I really only plan to buy two items when I move. A bedroom set, and a dining room table. I won’t be able to get them both at the same time, but I’ve got a plan! And that dining room table is included in my Sunday mornings 🙂

That and a Sunday paper. I’m looking forward to treating myself to that. I have goals set for myself, and for whatever reason, I feel like its going to take getting into that new apartment to get them rolling.

I don’t know what it is. here, I feel like I can’t get anything started. I think it’s my mindset that’s I just don’t want to start now, with the move so close. I feel so … drained here. I can’t think of another word for it. Drained feels perfect.

That however, goes back to a few other things going on. I’ve come to realize, I don’t like it when a relationship gets to the point where I can’t even talk to that person without getting angry. That’s toxic. This particular situation, it was a person that I do like very much, but the behavior was getting to the point that I wasn’t even able to look at that person. I didn’t like that even a tiny bit. So, that left me feeling pretty drained. I do believe that it is on the mend now, but only time will tell I suppose.

I’ve been beating myself up pretty bad too. There was one situation that really bothered me, still bothers me, that hasn’t been addressed and I’m wondering how in the hell am I supposed to be able to move on from this. I know that’s vague, but I am not ready to talk about it yet. However, I am thinking about going to see my therapist.

I haven’t seen her much over the last few years, but I’ve gone to her once a few weeks ago, and I think I need to go back. She’s my sounding board. I keep a lot to myself, and when it gets to be too much, I go to her. It’s not that it’s big stuff, it’s just heavy stuff.

I found her years ago, when I first started to realize that I had an issue. Actually, I found her the day I realized I needed the help of a professional. Then my psychiatrist was in that same office. I don’t see him anymore, because he got me on the medications that I need. If I feel like things are changing though, trust me, he’s the first person that I’ll be going to see.

With the depression, the biggest things that helped me get on the right track, were those to things. A therapist and a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist helps you find medications to help you, if they can help you. The therapist helps you talk things out. Seriously, that’s what it was for me. When you keep a lot inside, it piles up to the point where it’s nothing but a pile of garbage in your mind. That’s the way I began to see it, and she helped me start sorting it out. She was a blessing.

Both of them were. One person I know is suffering from depression, but won’t see or talk to anyone about it. That bothers me a lot, because I see what it does. I want to help, but there’s nothing I can do. I’ve tried. That’s when my heart also gets heavy. I was like that too. But now… now, I really do feel better.

I still have anxiety though.. That I realize is never going to stop. Some scenarios are worse than others, but I’m getting better. I hate that I feel it right in the center of my chest though, because I just want it to go away. Really, it’s not that bad. I know it’s not that bad. So why do I feel so wound up?

I do find that breathing exercises really do help me with this though. I don’t want it to be an excuse. I got this.

But back to the quote, fear. I don’t want to have fear. I want to have adventures and experience. With that being said, I’ll work on that. One day at a time.

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