An evening at home

Two pictures from my porch. Max loves laying on the lawn, so it’s usually how he spends his evenings.

The new place is coming along nicely. It has been taking some getting used to though, but I know that has everything to do with the fact that I was in the other place for almost nine years.

I’ve overwhelmed myself again. I seem to do that a lot. I don’t set out to do that, but before I know it, I’ve got way too much on my plate, and I’m not doing anything. Today, I learned a new lesson for myself. I’ve been trying it for some time, and I do seem to get more accomplished in a day using this new system. Five chores at a time.

I make a list of five things, and do one at a time. I did make one list that was not working for me though, and I make a list of five new things. I’m not done for the day, but Max and I seemed to have gotten side tracked and I didn’t do as much as I would have liked to. But like I said, the days not over.

Things are better in a lot of ways, but I had a few rude awakenings lately. I’m not as smart as I thought I had become, but … I haven’t given up yet. Not yet anyway. I feel more positive than I have in awhile. I’m seeing things clearer than I have in a very long time. If ever.

A big part of what I’m becoming, is because of my parents. I’ve always thought I lived the best life… one that I thought they’d appreciate for me. But I know that I haven’t exactly been one to show that I’m really trying. I say it all the time, but what do I have to show for my efforts?

I’ve got a better feeling about things, than I have in a long time. And if I’m not feeling good about things, it’s usually something else to blame. Eating wrong. Hormones. Not taking my meds. No caffeine. Whatever the reason, there is a reason. And it’s up to me to figure it out before I react.

It really is a beautiful night. I love this view much better than the parking lot view before.

One of the projects I had been trying to work on, I was trying to come with a list of road side attractions in Utah to start writing about. Once I did that, I froze.

Right now, there’s another … episode that I’m trying to help a friend with. At least I want to.

I don’t know how you feel about this, and actually, I’m not really sure how I feel either. But I have a friend that has a demon in her house.

To say that, feels just as crazy as it probably sounds. But I don’t have a clue what to do to help her.

There aren’t really any groups that I’ve found here in Salt Lake. None that appear to be legitimate that I’ve found anyway. 20 years ago, I knew people. I knew that Utah
Ghost Hunter Society. Right before I moved to Milwaukee, they had asked me to front their Riverton group.

I was interested in that stuff here, but when I moved to Milwaukee, Colette and I got wrapped up in the rock n roll scene, and it fell to the weighside.

Since then, I’ve thought about getting back into the scene, just for investigation. It’s interesting to hear those other voices on the tape that you know weren’t there when you walking. (EVP).

But this one’s a whole different thing ball game.

I’m not going to lie. I haven’t watched Ghost Adventures in years. In fact, I can tell you the episode that made me turn it off, and not watch it again for many years… it was the guy in Ogden. I didn’t believe him at all, and I was disappointed in the guys. Really? There weren’t any better places to go?

But … I still believe that those guys do that, so I wrote Zak Bagans a letter for her, and asked her to call her. If nothing else, if he knows anything about anyone up here that can help her.

That’s been throwing me for a loop, because I haven’t thought about that stuff in years. Literally. But it always interested me. But living alone, I never dove back in.

I don’t know that’s got me perplexed.

On that note, I suppose it’s back inside for me. Thanks for reading. 🙂

A Minute

I think that the main reason I haven’t been here more often as of late, is because this place is a reminder of how foolish Ive been in my life. The bands.

Most recently, I had an experience with a band that I had followed for 26 years. You see, I had been a follower of Jackyl for a long time. I met them years ago, in a parking lot when they were opening for the band Damn Yankees, you know the one with Tommy Shaw and Ted Nugent.

I had only heard one song of theirs before I seen them live. My mom and dad bought me their first release for Christmas that year. Turns out that there was a lot in my life going on at that time, none that I was actually aware of at that time.

I don’t really feel up to sharing that part of my life just yet. I don’t know who even reads this if anyone, and if there are people who knew me in my hometown at that time, really didn’t know about it.

Because of this part, I’m pretty sure that was why I attached myself to that band, and Jeff Worley.

It angers me beyond belief to realize it took me this long to figure out that part. Seeing them this last time, made me realize what sorts of dickheads I wasted way too much time on money on. (Excuse my language, but I’ll tell you why I’m using such language shortly)

I have no regrets where Chris Worley or Roman Glick are concerned. Though I still don’t know Roman, he’s a always been pleasant with me, and he’s a damn good bass player. I love to watch him, he’s entertaining.

Chris. Well, Chris has always been very nice, and real to me. Genuine. Even if he didn’t like me, I never knew that. For that, I’m thankful.

But where the other two are concerned. Wow. Wow. Wow. Talk about thinking they’re all that an then some. Who in the hell do they think that they are? They think that they are rockstars and above us wee folk.

At least that’s how they acted with me.

Talk about disappointing. But I got my peace.

I was surprised that I did it really, but after I did…. Wow, I felt pretty amazing!

I wrote a letter to Chris Worley last week. In this letter, I gave him the pictures I had hoped to give both him and Jeff at the show in April. But I had to go through that damn line, and well, they weren’t given to him. I went through the other pictures I had, and found a pile to send along, because I realized… I don’t want to remember that crap anymore. I ripped up a lot of them, but I thought Chris would at least appreciate looking at them. Pictures of Virgil when they did Super V at McPs in Clemson.

I told him this is how I wanted to remember this chapter. I don’t want to remember all the time I wasted on Jackyl. I wanted to remember Super V. I also reminded him that out of all the shows that I’d been to, I had paid for all of those shows. And the fact that I couldn’t get five minutes… well, I needed him to let his brother know that his behavior was …. well, pretty disgusting in my opinion. Jesse’s too. I had $58 to my name that morning, for a week and a half, and I spent $34 on that ticket. I didn’t have any money for merchandise. And to be IGNORED because of that fact. Acted like he didn’t even see me, SCREW YOU JESSE DUPREE.

Anyway, also the best part of this letter was… I sent Jeff’s book back with the letter, and stated maybe Jeff could get a few bucks back for resale because it’s worthless to me now.

I went and mailed it out that day. And I smiled when I dropped it in the box. I did not realize how good that would make me feel. It was amazing to tell someone how much of an asshole they really were, without actually saying those exact words.

Wow. I realized that he really did think he was that great, but … wow, dude, Jeff….. you wouldn’t be anything without the people who pay for your tickets. You seemed to have forgotten that, Mr. Freaking ROCKSTAR.

I sent it to Jeff’s painting studio or whatever it is. he’s got paintings on sale on that website anyway. Uh, let’s just say, I wouldn’t pay for any of those. People will pay for them though because of that rockstar billing behind it. Someone needs to remind him where he started.

As for Jesse, I’ve got one word. Douchebag.

Then there’s the whole 5FDP obsession thing. Wow.. That was scary. I really didn’t see it as a problem. But I can tell you the exact moment I realized what it was. When Ivan got his head and face tattoos. I realized what he’s doing, and well, I didn’t want to watch it. I don’t want to see what’s going on in his life. Any of their lives. Because it doesn’t make me fell any better seeing such stupidity. *Sorry but that head tattoo was a breaking point. Stop with the tattoos, man. You’ve just turned one problem into another one, and well, you look like an idiot.

Just my opinion. But you do. Red Dragon, what in the hell were you thinking?

I actually unfollowed them all on that day. I really don’t want to know anything. I dont’ want to give them anymore of my money if that’s what they’re going to do with what we give them.

However, they have song on that new album, “And Justice for None”.

If it doesn’t automatically come up, please click on it. It’s a song called I Refuse. It’s also a lyric video that goes along with the music, and I will tell you that every album they have one that is just perfect for me. Singing along with the words encourages me. For that, I will always be grateful for that band. Thank you Five Finger Death Punch. Together, you have gotten me through a lot of shit. Thank you.

And you always help with my courage. I’m braver because of the music you play. Thank you.

And Jason Hook sounds so wonderful in the middle of the song… that acoustic…

Jason still makes my heart skip a beat, but I’m a realist. More than I’ve ever been before.

My friend, the Roku

I guess this one is for my friends that pay way too much for their tv viewing. I love the Roku, and am very glad for this tiny little gadget.

The most recent reason I love this thing, is for a channel that I was introduced to. The Pluto Channel.

My brother told me about the channel, because it’s like a cable grid of channels. If you like shows like Forensic Files or Unsolved Mysteries, these channels inside of this channel will play these shows for 24 hours a day.

In addition to these channels, they also have music channels. Up until today, I really never explored all that was on there. But I didn’t want to listen to talking, I wanted to listen to tunes.

I have Amazon music, I have Pandora, but I just was flipping through the Pluto TV channels. I found these beauties. There’s a station for the Rat Pack, oldies, you know the normal ones. I stopped on one called the Strip, and read about it being a part of sunset strip music scene in the 80s.

Holy moly, does this station ROCK! There was one song that was beginning, that sounded familiar. I didn’t think it could be that song though, I hadn’t heard it in 20 years! I got up to look at the name on the screen.

“Hot Cherie” by the band, Hardline.

I know you haven’t heard that song, because I haven’t heard it in 20 years. Unless of course you were an 80s music junkie like myself.

This little device cost me I think 20 or 30 bucks, but I will tell you, that has saved me more than I ever even thought. Because I really don’t watch much tv. The Walking Dead season, completely different story, but otherwise, I really don’t have shows that I watch. I have tv on for back ground noise, they’re all so familiar now… so it’s perfect for me. This one that I’m sharing, is one of the fancy voice ones. Still a decent price.

Other channels that I utilize. Pandora. Amazon Prime. (I’m going to pay for the the service anyway, I’m going to utilize what tv I get. However, the quality of Amazon Prime tv is not what it once was. The Pluto Channel. The Roku Channel. Those last two channels have many, many tv shows and movies. All you get is a few blocks of commercials. Four at a time. I watched Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, with Gene Wilder thank you very much, the other day before work. It was wonderful!

If you’re looking to save some money, and don’t want to have $200 tv bills, sincerely look into the Roku. I love mine, so much that I now have two. I think I’ll always have one since I’ll always have the internet.

Thank you, Roku inventors and investors!!

New York and How I Met Your Mother

A friend reached out to me yesterday about going somewhere new. She wanted an adventure, and I agreed, it sounded like an awesome idea!

Of all places, she suggested New York. New York? I never had the notion to go to New York, until I got to thinking about all the things that are there.

And to boot, Ted Mosby crossed my mind.

Yes, I know, another tv reference. I genuinely liked Ted though. He and I are actually quite alike. This reference leads to when he was moving out of New York, and he had his goodbye to New York list.

Once I started to think about that list, and all the places that I would want to see if I ever when to the Big Potato. (Rose Nyland reference for those Golden Girls fans), the trip started to plan itself.

We work together, my friend and I, and we needed something to work for. So, New York City it is!

It’s probably not a place that I’d go again, so this is going to be fun to try to make the most of it in that city. Now that the move is over, I needed something else to look forward to.

If you have any must dos for this city, please share! I’ve got the list started, Ground Zero, Statue of Liberty, Hard Rock… those are just a few. I’m determined the list needs to be big to see just how much we can cram into those four or five days.

It’s over

The move is over, and I”m in my new apartment. For the most part, everything is better. Except the water heater. That’s on it’s way out, and … I love how the front office has no trust in what I have to say about it. I told them what needed to be looked at, and it became way bigger than they needed it to be. I have a dog, these guys don’t like to go into a place without the owner being here when there’s a dog. Plain and simple, I told them Saturday. I can’t take time off from work for this, since I did that last week for the move itself.

Several days notice, and she makes it a big deal that I asked for Saturday. *well, in my eyes, she made it a big deal. They need to run the water, to see how hot it gets and stays. That’s all, it’s not like there’s a spare water heater sitting in the storage shed. That’s not the way these things work.

But so far, that’s the worst case scenario I’ve dealt with. One of the old neighbors has already been over several times, doing the same thing that he’s always done. Scrounge for cigarettes. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT ON MY PORCH. He doesn’t realize that he’s not finding any for a reason. I’m not keen on this creepy behavior. Wouldn’t you think that if you’re doing that sort of thing, maybe it’s time to think about quitting. I’m not here to support anyone’s habits.

What bothers me, is his expenses are split in half. He lives with a roommate. I DO NOT. So, why do they think that this is okay? I don’t care what I leave in the ashtray, that’s my prerogative. I can leave anything in there I want. Or at least I used to.

I really don’t understand where people get this mindset that this sort of thing is okay. What makes them think that it’s okay to rummage around on someone else’s porch? Need a cigarette? Get a damn job. Do what the rest of us are doing. Working for a living.

I do this all by myself. I don’t get help from anyone, so to see people do this sort of thing, drives me NUTS. I don’t mind sharing, that’s a different story. This is being creepy. That’s the only word that comes to mind. CREEPY.

Seriously, it could be him. Just add hair. What really bothers me lately, is that these people (creepy neighbor with others in the area), don’t see what they are doing to other people. The same guy knocked on another neighbors door to buy cigarettes that were sitting on her porch. WHILE SHE WAS IN HER APARTMENT. Why is he even looking at her porch?

He’s also an alcoholic that has no desire to give up that poison. It’s okay for one or two, but he goes through a half gallon of cheap vodka every two days. That’s why he can’t afford his cigarettes.

Am I wrong for wanting these sorts of people to just leave me alone? I’m not their mother. I’m not even a friend. Friends are different. If he was my friend, he wouldn’t creep me out the way he does.

Alcoholics though. The ones I’ve come to know… are still in denial. When people. are in that state of mind, there’s nothing that can be done. And after awhile, it’s easy to give up because if people don’t want to fix themselves, no one else can do it.

As I get older, I’m finding that I have less and less room for people like that. I work hard to make myself better every day, so I really don’t have the patience for people who don’t work, and depend on others to fix their problems.

With that being said, I’ve come to a few solutions on a few of my own problems. I’ve come to realize that 26 years of following a band means absolutely nothing when I’ve given a lot of time and energy. Not to mention, a lot of money. In 26 years, I’ve seen this band over 60 times. Out of all of those times, I paid for all but three shows. 1 was free, one was a guest line in 1992, and the other was a dare if we showed up in Kentucky. Other than that, every ticket to enter was PAID FOR.

So, when I went to shake the lead singer’s hand, and he acted like no one was standing in front of him, I made my decision. FUCK YOU JESSE DUPREE.

Sorry for the blunt language, but I didn’t deserve what I got from him. I had $58 in my bank account that day, and I spent $34 to get a ticket to get in to that damn show, and BECAUSE I DIDN’T BUY ADDITIONAL MERCHANDISE, he pretended I didn’t even exist.

I have to say, I have an issue with that.

And then I had also asked Jeff to talk for a few minutes, so I wouldn’t have to go through that damn line in the first place, he ignored me. I was there at 10 am, and offered to help out if needed. I didn’t get a call, that’s fine. But… I did what I could. And I still got blown off.

Five minutes. That’s all I asked for. It didn’t even need to be five minutes. I’d have been happy with 2. But I didn’t get anything, and I ended up having to go through that damn line to get my book signed.

I’ve been stupid for far too long in my life. I do this, thinking that I’m going to be given common courtesy. Out of respect of 26 years. But I know that they don’t owe me anything, I just thought being a person would be on my side.

I’ve never done anything to them. NOTHING. I’ve never given reason to be scared of me, or worry that I’m going to do something stupid. I’ve been nothing but genuinely sincere, It just hurts when I realize again, it’s wasted on people that just don’t care who they treat this way. They’re in a band, they’re rock stars.

But to quote their own lyrics, “I shit like you do.” I stand Alone is the song.

I think … that they may have forgotten where they came from. That’s sad. Because I genuinely cared. I thought I did. Didn’t realize it would only bite me in the ass.

Looking at them, I realize that I never thought of them as rock stars. To me, Jackyl was never that great of a band, though they have improved with age. It was about Chris and Jeff, and in the beginning Jimmy and Tom. Chris, Jeff and Roman are great musicians, and Jesse is a good entertainer, but again… as I’ve learned before, if I can’t respect you as a person, I just can’t respect you. (Chris and Roman were wonderful to me, and Jeff was when he seen me, but … )

I’d like to say that I’d never go see them again, blah blah blah, all the stuff that I have said so many times before… but I don’t know. I cave. I went this time because I went without anyone. I met my friend Lisa there, she actually bought the ticket that made that show a sold out show. I was able to just relax and have a great time because there wasn’t any expectations.

I’m never going to ask anyone to spend another dime. The one thing I was going to get, the Super V cd that Chris and Jeff were involved in, from Jeff. I found it on Amazon. I’d rather give them my money and they can figure it out. Amazon makes me feel better anyway.

Anxiety

I hate mine. Or I should say that I still hate it’s timing. Everyone has some anxiety, even if it’s mild, and small. Sometimes I just don’t understand why I have it in the first place.

Last night, I did not feel like I was in a good place. I know what triggered it, but I didn’t understand why I was feeling so anxious.

Maybe it was legitimate. I’ve got two meth heads living upstairs.

I don’t think that they started out that way. They are also gay men. I don’t know if that’s really relevant, but I can say that out of all the people that have lived upstairs in my time in this apartment, gay men have been the most dramatic. (Yes, actually I do have more than this one couple to compare with.)

There was an incident on Friday. One where Ed came yelling out of the door, Call the police Cherri, he just tried to choke me.

Me, hearing this, did such. It ended up being a rather big thing, where boyfriend ended up in jail. Aggravated Assault were the charges. $25,000 bail. And in this incident, is when I found out that they’ve been smoking meth upstairs. I’ve never been so angry in all of my life.

I actually felt better when I realized that he was gone away. He was gone! Life can get back to normal! Ed’s Mom was really stressing out about the boyfriend (she also lives upstairs) because he’s a parasite. Leaches on and takes all he can from the host before moving on.

So, just so everyone knows I’ll refer to boyfriend as Parasite.

Well, yesterday, I went to did my inmate search, and found he wasn’t there anymore. I came home to find out where he is.

What was the point? Seriously, why did I even waste my time, involving myself into a situation that you asked me into… if you’re only just going to walk right back into it. I don’t want to be here, and I resent him for forcing me into this situation in the first place. That means clearly, he’s thinking only of himself.

What bothers me, is I understand that this is simply a rebound relationship for Ed. From everything he has said to me, I see it clearly. That’s a tough one. Because honestly, I like this guy. He’s a good person, good heart, good worker. Good ethics. And this Parasite… is just that. I’ve watched him drain Ed dry, mentally, emotionally, financially, and contribute nothing. He hasn’t worked the 8 months he’s been here. And I just can’t respect a guy like that. I’ve got an even bigger issue though.

And it bothers me that it bothers me, because it has nothing to do with me.

Parasite will not give him his HIV test results.

At least that’s what he says. Like I said, I don’t know why it bothers me because I’ve come to realize I don’t know what the truth is there anymore. And honestly, really don’t want to. It bothers me that I even have to think about this crap for the next 12 days.

It bothers me because I’m worried about Max. I have to work. I can’t stay home. I have locks on my doors, but Parasite has been known to dig around on my porch. (Yes, he has. I wish I was lying.)

Why? Why do I even have to worry about this crap? I didn’t ask for it, and I despise that it’s forced upon me.

I didn’t mind it at all before all of this started, and this is what has made me decide to move in the first place. The final deciding factor.

I can’t wait to sit on my porch and see mountains again. Instead of the parking lot. I will miss my tree though. I love that tree in the fall. Yellow leaves EVERYWHERE!

Someone Else’s Perception

How can you change someone else’s perception of you?

That seems to be an issue with a very big relationship in my life right now. As I face this new exciting chapter of my life, I am faced with the challenge of this. How people don’t forget wha you’ve done in the past.

You see, I’ve made mistakes. I’ve never been a horrible person, but I’ve been bad with financial decisions. A few years ago, I needed bailing out. I had a plan though. I had asked someone close to me for a favor, he said he’d think about it, but instead went and told these very important people what I’d asked of him.

Now, I know in my heart, he had the best intentions. But right now, I regret ever asking him that favor. Instead of talking to me, he told on me. Literally. That’s what it was.

This is where I can’t help but get mad about where I’m at now. When that all started, this situation… well, it was supposed to be a short term thing. I was hoping for six months, but it’s now been two years. YEARS. That is over 750 days. That’s three jobs. And I’ve been at this one for over a year now. I LOVE it there, because I feel it helps me with my same situation. Bad financial decisions.

These people really are like me. They all want to do the right thing, genuinely. Which is what makes me strive to be a better person.

But no one sees that part in me. They are stuck on what I was a few years ago.

I’m 47. Isn’t time that I step up to the plate and be that well adjusted adult that everyone seems to want me to be, but … yet seems to have issues with letting the past go?

Again, I’m 47. I’m not 17. I wish that they could see that I have learned something in the last few years. That I really just want to do the best that I can. For me. For Max. This part, no… it’s not my chapter five yet. This is. Chapter Four. I need to plan for Chapter Five. The future.

I’ve been telling a lot of people about that poem lately. “My Autobiography in Five Short Chapters.” Just as recently as last night. I had a surprise set of visitors. The person I got Max from almost 8 years ago.

Max was growling, and I went outside to see at what, and he was walking up the sidewalk with his wife. I hadn’t seen him in years, literally. That was such a nice surprise. He had Max’s mom. He had lost her in the last few years, she made it to 13 but was pretty sick isn’t the end. He was missing her I think, so it was a nice visit for all. They’re expecting, so that was really exciting news. That first year, he was a big part of Max’s life.

I’m not sure if Max remembered him or not, but I’d like to think that he did. He was talking up a storm to him. That seemed to make Ryan smile, Bob used to do that all the time too.

He was my angel back then. I’ve had guardian angels in my life, and I think that was a reminder of that. He brought my best friend and I together. And for that, he will always be special in my life. But … what an exciting new chapter for him!

Back to my original point I guess… someone else’s perception. I sincerely, just want to be where I’m the one trying to keep things together. I want to be the one worrying about it all. Is it so wrong of me to be the one who’s in control of the worry?

I’m not the person I was ten years ago. That’s what stuck in their minds. Ten years ago was a long, LONG time ago. And I’ve learned a lot in that ten years. But in their minds, no I haven’t.

Would you call that having blinders on or tunnel vision? Either way, you can’t see anything past what you’ve seen in the past. It’s a struggle, and I’m trying to be adult about it, but … truly feel like I’m dealing with teenagers. I’m not being heard, because I’m cut off three words into my thought.

I understand now, how frustrating it had to have been when I was 16. Because I know I truly have good intentions, but what do I know. I seriously just seen my teenage years flash before my eyes. This is what they mean when they say it all comes back to you. Hmmmm.

I’m not going anywhere, any time soon. I think that’s another concern. Yes, I do intend to move back to Wisconsin at some point in my life, but it isn’t today. I’m finally at the point in my life where things are stable. I have a job that I love, and I feel confident in my position there. I finally feel like I’m in a place that I am heard, and I look out for the best of everyone I firmly believe.

If anything ever happens there, that’s when I’d go back to Wisconsin. Otherwise, I’m there for … the rest of my working life. 100%.

I’m going to plan for my vacations, and my retirement. I want to see places. None of them now, but I’ll be 50 in a few years, so … I’m thinking that might be when I plan for Europe. Who the heck knows. Thing is, I’ve got things to see, people to meet. That’s not going to happen in my apartment.

I just wish I could get them to understand that this isn’t personal, and it bothers me when they think it is. I really just want to plan … for chapter five.

And I just want it to be known, that in my mind, as I walk around that big hole in the sidewalk, I’ve made it a wishing well, and I throw quarters in as I walk on by. 😉