My boy

I stepped on my dog. That sound will haunt me forever, and I haven’t recovered yet. He’s fine. He looks at me like I’m nuts, and I cried and cried and hugged him. Spoiled him rotten for twenty minutes, and still now, feel awful. I’m worried that I broke his foot.

He was walking around fine, but it does appear to be slightly swollen. I could be imagining it because I’m feeling so awful. I’ve never had this happen, I fell horrible. I was stepping out on to my porch, because I didn’t see him…. well, he was right there.

Dogs truly are a blessing. Or cats or whatever animal you choose. The point is, they are our pets, our kids to a lot of us… and we love them like they are our children.

That’s true unconditional love if I’ve ever experienced it. I’m a wreck, and he licks my hand as if to say ‘it’s okay Mom, I’m fine.”

He just strolled into the room, and he’s not limping or anything. I think it’s safe to say, he’s going to be fine.

Thank Goodness. I don’t know how I would handle that guilt for the rest of my life. Thank you dear universe, for this gift. Not a day goes by that I’m not grateful for the day this boy and I met.

Bucket List

Do you have a bucket list? I do. I started one years ago, but I haven’t added to it lately. However, I have never forgotten about it.

Some of the things I have on that list involve people. Just things I wish I could have done, but never did. Like sitting down and having coffee with one in particular.

This is a person I met in a snow covered parking lot 26 years ago. Marquette, Michigan. When I met him, I had no idea what his name was, and he was just the cutest thing. And he was sweet.

This guy, made me fall head over heels. Or, that’s what it seemed like then. Now, I realize that the whole thing was nothing but a great big crush, because he was just a super nice guy.

And that’s exactly what it was.

It had nothing to do with stature. It had nothing to do with talent. That was genuine I can’t believe this guys being nice to me, wow. He truly was a nice man.

Here we are 26 years later, and the last five times I’ve seen him I’ve been an idiot. It’s because I’m awkward. How can I get past 26 years of acting like a school girl with a crush. Because that’s what it was!

I am a writer. You know this, heck, he knows this. I used to write him letters all the time in the beginning. (Again, this is the school girl crush coming out.) I don’t know what possessed me to do it, but I wrote him another one. Monday. I looked his address up online, and I drove to the post office and mailed it off that day.

Basically saying what I just said there. I’m done with awkward. Can we be friends?

I just really want to be able to talk to him. I know we have stuff in common. Like the writing. He wrote a book, and I’ll tell you about it soon, but I’m not ready to admit in public who it is. Just because in some areas, he’s a big deal. He’s a record making guitar player, baby.

To me, he’s just the nice guy I met in Marquette, MI. Really. That’s what it’s boiled down to. He’s the really nice guy I met in Marquette.

I’m only reposting this because I can tell you I have lost about 50 lbs since this was picture was taken oh so many years ago. This one was taken in 1993 or 1994 I think.

On to a different bucket list item. I have been thinking heavily about my eating habits. I don’t have any good ones. That’s why I ended up looking like that in the first place. Mountain Dew and Cheetos will do it.

I still drink soda, diet now days. But I really have to learn the eating habits. My family had a great influence, and if I had not babysat so much of my teenage years away, I would have probably kept those good habits. But I did, and I didn’t, and now I’m paying the price for it.

I don’t mean to sound like I’m blaming my depression on everything, but I’ve come to realize when you’re in one, you don’t realize it. And everything around you suffers for it. I have never been good at keeping house. I’m absolutely awful at it. And I’ve come to realize that it is very, very hard to get on top of something like that when you come out of the depression. I look around this apartment, and it’s… I don’t want to live like this anymore.

It’s not filth. It’s clutter. Everywhere. I’d never been very well organized before, so getting on top of that is a challenge. The eating habits is a challenge, because I hate this kitchen. I remember my roommates constantly, and they haven’t even been here for YEARS.

The guy upstairs, he seems to be charging the negative energy that I already feel in here, and … I am sorry to keep saying it, but I can’t wait to get out of this apartment.

I know it’s not going to solve all my problems, but … it’s a start. I need new. I need fresh. I need this for the first day of the rest of my life! I want to be able to focus on good habits, and try to forget all of the bad that have been there for so long. I sincerely want this to be my chapter four. Chapter five will be when I go back to Michigan/Wisconsin. Whenever that may be.

It sounds funny, but the Mary Tyler Moore show theme …. that pops in my head when I realize that I am improving. I really am. “You’re going to make it after all….”

But back to the whole bucket list thing … the next big one I’m working on, is the weight. I’ve got 25+ years I need to prepare for, and I need to be healthier for it.

Thanks as always for reading. I know you’ve got other things you can read, and the fact that you’re here with me, means a lot. Thank you for taking the time.

And please, comment. I’d love to hear what YOU have to say.

Common Sense

It’s come to my attention yet again, not everyone is born with what I always considered to be common sense. I realize now, that the things I knew, that I never thought about where I learned it from, isn’t common sense.

Someone pointed out to me what was wrong, and why. And I just never did it again. Not all of us are so fortunate I realize.

The situation that brought this to my attention was the bathtub. Not my bathtub, the bathtub upstairs. I’ll spare you the details, but it was brought to my attention that this guy had no idea what that big metal thing was above the drain. No one ever explained to him, don’t fill the water past that.

It’s called the overflow drain. People used to drown in the tubs all the time, that’s what this is for. So that doesn’t happen. It’s not for decoration. It serves a purpose.

My point. The water in the tub, should never be filled past that item.

When I asked them if they had checked that, they said “Oh, everything’s fine. I checked it the first time you mentioned the draining through the exhaust fan.”

No. They didn’t.

My point again, if you know someone that might benefit from this post, please share it because people need to know this kind of thing. Spare someone the complete disgust I’ve been suffering from for the last week. 27 days. I can not wait to get out of here…

No one deserves to have someone that dumb live in the apartment above them.

*************

Okay, so as I went looking for images, I realize that I had a slight misconception as well. What it is, there’s a pipe for the overflow. But when the cover’s loose, the water just oozes out every where. That pipe doesn’t matter, because the waters coming out from the sides of that entire drain over.

Still bugs me because he said everything was fine. Clearly, it wasn’t. But the issue’s been resolved, and i should just keep my whining to a minimum.

*************

I do want to share a few things that I learned lately that I find noteworthy.

Hot mustard has unripened grapes in it, and apparently, that’s what makes it hot? I’m looking into that and plan to share that on a future post.

Pink Salt is actually from the Himalayas. I’m looking more into that subject as well, because I realize that the salt lamps that you see, are also made from that same salt. I’m intrigued, so I will be learning more of that.

I’ve been keeping a notebook. Actually, several, where I keep the ideas that I get written down. If you have any topics to suggest, don’t be shy. I’m planning a more organized approach to my blog as soon as my life settles into the new home.

*****

Wow the internet can be dangerous. Click, click, click and it opens up a whole new world.

I googled Pink Himalayan salt and wow. Wowowowowowowowow. Wow.

A small masjid in the Khewra Salt Mine complex, Pakistan

If you click on the picture, it will take you to an interesting website I located explaining what a masjid actually is. I am finding that the world is really interesting!


On that note, I’ll sign off for the day. I hope that you are having a great day. I’ve got a work day ahead, and I’m looking forward to sleeping in on Saturday! 🙂

My first three words today were Marriage, Happiness and Chipotle. I can work with that.

Spirit Creek

Spirit Creek was a band I used to know in Milwaukee.

They never made it big, for reasons that are unclear, because I believe they had the talent. They had the personality too. Everyone’s gone their different ways now, and I guess there is talk of a reunion, but I don’t know if that would happen…

But that’s besides the point. I loved Spirit Creek. I found their EP3 when I was going through cds yesterday. Actually, out of all the cds I owned, I kept all of theirs, Seth’s piano cd, and Pantera’s greatest hits. I think it’s out of respect for Dimebag. I don’t know, it’s not like I listen to it often. If ever.

I was looking at the song titles when I found that. It was weird to remember what it was like back then when I first got that cd.

That was a big deal. All of their music was a big deal. I genuinely loved their music, and it’s sad that they don’t perform together anymore. All of them have different lives now, but when it was about the music, it was great.

I haven’t listened to this in a very long time. I’m actually looking forward to listening to Rise. Breath of a Moment was one that I enjoyed as well. Looking at this, I realize that I’ll be digging out their Call the Rain ep before too long as well.

I don’t know why I brought them up. It’s not like anyone can find much about them online anymore, but they will always live on in my memories. I wish somethings would have gone differently, but I’ll tell you this, I’m eternally grateful for that chapter in my life. I met some wonderful people, had some great experiences, and seen some great bands. Had some amazing friends, which is the part I’ll always be grateful for. ❤

31 Days

Not that I’m counting down or anything. I will not be more happy than the day that I can leave this place behind once and for all. Last night, someone was careless and the bathtub drained all over my bathroom, through my vent fan and the ceiling. It takes a lot for me to get grossed out, but that pushed me over the line. I’ll be going into the front office today to let them know.

31 more days.

What’s everyone up to today? Not much here. I’m going to be going through more stuff, getting rid of more stuff, talking to the front office, and going to the parents house for lunch tomorrow. I’ve got a billion chores I’m working on, but I’m sure you all have moved before, and have found that that entails.

I am however, contemplating a nap. I’ve come to appreciate the true beauty in those. Take them when you can.

Energy

People think I’m a little on the weird side when I say I can feel other’s energy. We all can, some just don’t realize it. When someone’s in a bad mood, you can sense it without being within 10 feet of them! If someone’s overly joyful, same thing. You hear it, and that seems to trigger that feeling.

I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong. I will say thing though. I’ve met very few people that make me feel bad, but that jerk that’s living upstairs, is probably the worst one I’ve ever encountered.

Maybe it’s simply, his lack of respect. They have a new dog, haven’t even had her a week, and every day, he’s been cranking that music so loud i hear it over mine again. All I can think of, is that little girl. Apparently, she sleeps in the closet. I couldn’t imagine why.

He’s the reason I believe that I despise this place as much as i do at this moment. I hear him all the time. When he was gone, it was wonderful. Bliss even. Since he’s been back, I can’t even explain what it’s done to my peace of mind.

He’s a liar. A cheater. A thief. Everything I’ve heard and seen, he’s just the kind of person I don’t want to be anywhere near. And yet. He lives right above me. He’s not on the lease, and there’s nothing that can be done from the front office.

I feel violated, because I don’t have a choice in this matter. I’m forced into this scenario. Why? Because one of them can’t stand to be alone. Really? There aren’t any other gay men out there? I’m pretty sure that you can find one that is decent. Works. Doesn’t cheat. And doesn’t lie to you in every single breath! And if you are going to settle for that, shut up to me about it!

I’m so very excited to be getting away from this. I can’t wait to get into the new apartment, sage it sage it sage it and sage it again. And make it HOME.

I’ve never made this place home. I can understand why. I’ve really let some bad feelings settle here, and I can’t forget them. I want to leave it all behind, and start new. Get rid of the old, bring in some new. And live in a home. I’ve already gone my office idea. I’m going to see about getting a wall painted orange in there. I have the living room painted orange here, but I’d prefer my office I think.

Yes, I love orange. My favorite colors are orange, yellow, lime green and pink. Not a soft pink, but a brighter, deeper pink. I’ve come to find that the bright colors, make me happier.

I’ve also come to realize how much I truly like the sunshine. I always said I didn’t, but I lied. I don’t enjoy standing in it, but it’s so much better when everything is brightly lit up. When the sun’s out, the sky is blue. I like blue, it’s a bright color, and that too makes me smile.

I also like wind. Other people I work with, don’t. To me, when there’s wind, the air is cleaner. In Utah, we get these things called inversions. It’s a whole lot of smog. It’s because we’re in a valley, mountains on three sides. In the winter time, people let their cars warm up for way too long, and all of those emissions … well, they get socked in. There are others contributors, but the only thing that changes between summer and winter are the cars. Plain and simple. When the wind blows, it’s clearing that air out. The mountains are clear, and yes, that too makes me smile.

One thing I’ve come to not appreciate, is complainers. I’m really tired of those kinds of people to be honest. These kinds of people are the ones who like to start trouble, whatever that kind of trouble turns out to be. I’ve also learned, not to trust these sorts of people. They will throw you under the bus.

You, and everyone else they can grab a hold of on their way down.

There isn’t much else today. I’m tired. I realize that I’ve been working my keester off the last few weeks. I was talking to friend yesterday, and I realized I couldn’t remember the last time we’d talked. That can’t happen again. I have been working my butt off because I’m hoping to get new furniture next month. I dont’ want anyone to even think I am not doing my job, because that only pisses me off, and I have points to prove. In the last four days, I can honestly say that I have seen way too many different screens on that computer.

I have been afraid a good part of my adult life. Afraid of what, I’m still not 100% clear on, but the fears been there. Because of that fear, there’s a lot of things I haven’t done.

I don’t like that. I mean, I know I can still do things, but I ask myself, where did that fear come from? I realize now, that I didn’t do a lot of things because of the eye roll. You have a Mom, you know the eye roll. I guess I didn’t want to disappoint her. But I realize now, she does it to everyone about everything. Because she thinks we’re weird! I mistook her disinterest as “don’t do it” where it was more like “You and your crazy ideas”. You know what I mean? She never once said don’t do it.

Ever.

Not that I have any wild ideas to go and try something new. I would love to, but I’ve got small picture things to deal with. Like my move. That’s still a big thing. I don’t know why I have held on to so many different things that are still in this apartment. I couldn’t be more excited that some of these are leaving! I’m not taking very much with me if I can help it. Just for the sake that I’ve never gotten myself anything new before. Now’s the time!

I really only plan to buy two items when I move. A bedroom set, and a dining room table. I won’t be able to get them both at the same time, but I’ve got a plan! And that dining room table is included in my Sunday mornings 🙂

That and a Sunday paper. I’m looking forward to treating myself to that. I have goals set for myself, and for whatever reason, I feel like its going to take getting into that new apartment to get them rolling.

I don’t know what it is. here, I feel like I can’t get anything started. I think it’s my mindset that’s I just don’t want to start now, with the move so close. I feel so … drained here. I can’t think of another word for it. Drained feels perfect.

That however, goes back to a few other things going on. I’ve come to realize, I don’t like it when a relationship gets to the point where I can’t even talk to that person without getting angry. That’s toxic. This particular situation, it was a person that I do like very much, but the behavior was getting to the point that I wasn’t even able to look at that person. I didn’t like that even a tiny bit. So, that left me feeling pretty drained. I do believe that it is on the mend now, but only time will tell I suppose.

I’ve been beating myself up pretty bad too. There was one situation that really bothered me, still bothers me, that hasn’t been addressed and I’m wondering how in the hell am I supposed to be able to move on from this. I know that’s vague, but I am not ready to talk about it yet. However, I am thinking about going to see my therapist.

I haven’t seen her much over the last few years, but I’ve gone to her once a few weeks ago, and I think I need to go back. She’s my sounding board. I keep a lot to myself, and when it gets to be too much, I go to her. It’s not that it’s big stuff, it’s just heavy stuff.

I found her years ago, when I first started to realize that I had an issue. Actually, I found her the day I realized I needed the help of a professional. Then my psychiatrist was in that same office. I don’t see him anymore, because he got me on the medications that I need. If I feel like things are changing though, trust me, he’s the first person that I’ll be going to see.

With the depression, the biggest things that helped me get on the right track, were those to things. A therapist and a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist helps you find medications to help you, if they can help you. The therapist helps you talk things out. Seriously, that’s what it was for me. When you keep a lot inside, it piles up to the point where it’s nothing but a pile of garbage in your mind. That’s the way I began to see it, and she helped me start sorting it out. She was a blessing.

Both of them were. One person I know is suffering from depression, but won’t see or talk to anyone about it. That bothers me a lot, because I see what it does. I want to help, but there’s nothing I can do. I’ve tried. That’s when my heart also gets heavy. I was like that too. But now… now, I really do feel better.

I still have anxiety though.. That I realize is never going to stop. Some scenarios are worse than others, but I’m getting better. I hate that I feel it right in the center of my chest though, because I just want it to go away. Really, it’s not that bad. I know it’s not that bad. So why do I feel so wound up?

I do find that breathing exercises really do help me with this though. I don’t want it to be an excuse. I got this.

But back to the quote, fear. I don’t want to have fear. I want to have adventures and experience. With that being said, I’ll work on that. One day at a time.