Find Zen in your Pen

I bought a pack of pens at the dollar tree the other day. Zebra. They were cute because one pen had giraffes, the other had lions. I was looking over the package, and I found a quote. Find Zen in your pen.

That was a wonderful find that day, because I love to write. I love to write by hand, but I don’t have any one special place that I write. I write a lot and throw it away. I have journals, but I can’t find one that I can write in daily. I don’t know what my problem has been.

But I got to thinking, it’s the pen. It really is. I love my pens. I love the variety in pens, but my favorite is the plain and simple, Bic Crystal. I have to add a finger mold, whatever they call those things you slip on the pen to make it more comfortable to write. But that is the smoothest writing pen I’ve found.

They don’t make the paper that was my favorite from years ago. It was Mead, and it was recycled loose leaf paper. That was my favorite to write on because with those pens, i loved the smoothness of it.

Don’t ask me where that came from. I was writing this morning, and I realized that it’s my own fault that I don’t utilize this wonderful gift I have to write here more often. I’ve got so many things that I want to share with people. Weird wonderful things. Eventually, I’m going to move back to Wisconsin, and want to have seen all the things in Utah, so I can start sharing things in Wisconsin.

I really don’t know why I haven’t done more sharing. I’ve seen some interesting things over the last year. The next seven weeks are going to be busy though. I know I haven’t shared this, but I’m going to be dealing cards at parties in my off time. I have my first two parties this week. I’m excited.

How I got into this… I don’t really know when it was that I figured out to even look into it. But I will tell you this, it was because I kept going back to the night I had the time of my life in a casino.

You can take what you will from this story, but one thing you need to know about me going in. I dealt in a casino for three years. My favorite game to deal was Roulette. When you could get the table going, and you’re all having fun.. it’s really a lot of fun. Before this night, I had never been able to be the player that got the table going.

I had done my Ivan Moody gushing. I spewed my guts. He was very nice about it. And we went our separate ways. Colette was down watching Korn, and as much as I love their music, I really wanted to play in the casino. I don’t get urges like that often, but it was my free time, and yes, that was where I knew Ivan was. I would like to think that didn’t make my decision for me, but … I had written in my journal, I was going to have a drink with him that night.

So, I went to the casino with $40. I played blackjack, and ended up breaking even, and heading over to the roulette table. I don’t know where it started, but we had that table rocking. I was hitting big, and the dealers were winning, and we were having a great time. I would ask Ivan for a number, he was sitting at three card poker which was right next to roulette.

I had the time of my life that night. I would like to think that the dealers made a few hundred off of me. When Ivan’s number would hit, I’d give him a red chip. He would in turn give it to his dealer.

But through out the years, I kept going back to that night to the most fun I’d had in years. And I really did enjoy dealing, it was a lot of fun, and I met some interesting people.

But there aren’t any casinos in Utah.

And I remembered something I’d tried a few times in Milwaukee. Casino Parties. It’s not gambling because you aren’t dealing with money. My first party is tomorrow. It’s going to be interesting.

I’m also doing a party at a friend’s house on Saturday. I haven’t ever been to a party like that so I’m pretty excited. I don’t drink, so I’ll be all wound up on caffeine and remember it all. It’s actually Friends Giving 2018. She’s planning on relocating to Vegas within the next few months. It will be exciting to see how things go for them. 🙂

I’m redecorating this weekend. I have come to realize that I’ve never really made this place home. I’ve had piles in places, somewhere in this apartment pretty much the whole time I’ve lived here. I’m closer than ever to getting everything in its place. So, I’m excited to get this together this weekend. I’m excited most for my clock. I killed one of mine on fall back. I learned you’re not supposed to turn a clock backwards.

But I’m very excited to see how it comes together. Mom and I are going to shampoo the rugs on Sunday. I finally got my new blinds, and they feel so wonderful. It amazes me how simple changing just one or two things really can make a huge difference. I’m most excited about the part where I don’t feel like I’m living in a dive. Those blinds were grossing me out. Really grossing me out. But now that I have new blinds, I want curtains.But what color? Change brings life shattering decisions I tell ya. No wonder I waited so long.

(That was an attempt at sarcasm)

This is a tweet. I have been downsizing things, and I have some Five Finger Death Punch memorabilia that I really don’t see myself using in the near future. This, I was going to try to use to spruce up Max, but …. honestly, they’re not for Max. He likes the softer rock, so I can’t force him to support them. (Seriously, he does show preference over the difference in music.)

I liked it, but I seriously didn’t have a used for it. But it had to go to a good home. This kid, the Norwegian Knucklehead : ) , is the admin for the groups FFDP NORWEGIAN KNUCKLEHEADS. He’s made me laugh just about every day since he started following me on Twitter. He has groups on Instagram and Facebook too. But what I found to be the most wonderful about this tweet, was the appreciation of the written letter. He did get me a letter back out, and he in turn sent me an amazing Norway Calendar… where the first picture was the Northern Lights. Amazing.

That was the most wonderful part of that tweet. I love to write letters, and I don’t mind writing. I’m trying to find more pen pals, but I don’t want to really just put myself out there. People are still jerks, and I don’t want any of those. I want someone who just appreciates the pen to paper aspect.

Anyway, if you’re up to following someone new and you want to know what’s up with the guys, follow him. I don’t have to follow them, he shares it. I like it that way.

Speaking of the guys though, Jeremy Spencer is sitting out the fall tour due to back issues. I hope you’re recovering quickly, Jeremy. I’m not going to lie, I’m very happy that you’re finally taking care of yourself. It’s been bothering me that you’ve been playing in that pain. You need to take care of yourself. First and forth most, YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Sorry, but it bothers me when you men put everything else before you. We’ll all still be here.

Speaking of weird things, this will be one of the things I tell you about. Gilgal Gardens. This is a sphinx with the face of Joseph Smith. How’s this for simply ODD?

Have a great day. Thanks for reading.

Just my imagination …

Smokey Robinson and the Temptations are on right now. I have to say, I find myself listening to the 70s Lite Rock more than anything else these days. I still don’t even have the new 5FDP album. I think I keep saying that, hoping that one day the guilt will kick in and I’ll buy it.

But it hasn’t happened yet. I have heard a few songs off of it, and it sounds great and all, but I haven’t wanted to fork out the dough to pick it up.

However, on my birthday, a few weeks ago, I splurged on an actual cd. Shinedown’s ‘The Sound of Madness”. I had a mixed cd that a friend had made, and I knew so few of the songs on there. And I’ve been one for comfort music lately, familiar. So, I bought that cd on my birthday.

Sounds good too. The line “another loose cannon, gone bipolar” makes me chuckle. The song as a whole… it’s so real to me. I’ve created the sound of madness all right.

Not to mention, Shinedown is such an amazing band. I can’t help but gush about them. Them as a whole… fantastic sound I tell ya. Fantastic.

I haven’t been up to too much though. I was planning on a few shows over the next few weeks, but all have been cancelled. With the exception of Like A Storm on 12/21. I can not wait to see those boys again.. I have been waiting since July 2016! What’s sad, is I know that the one I’m so excited to see again won’t recall our last meeting, but I have a had a topic of conversation on the back burner waiting for the next time.

It’s not like it’s specifically for him, but I hope that he will know something on the topic. I’ve asked several other people from New Zealand about this topic but no one has been able to elaborate on it. I’m hoping that I’ll be lucky with him. 🙂 If so I will most definitely share the topic.

But now it’s got me curious about Australia as well. Can the Southern Lights be seen in Australia?

I have come to really start missing the Northern Lights. I really don’t like the sky that I see in the city. Back in Michigan, it used to be so dark, and the stars were all like pinpoints of light. So bright. I don’t get that here. Unless you’re way up in the mountains.

City life has really been getting to me. Everything about it. The air quality. The traffic. The people. The missionaries. (Though they are sweet kids.) The dumb people that live by me now. I am so done with this life. I’m ready for something else.

I want to go back to simple. I don’t mind driving forty miles to get to a walmart. I don’t mind driving 50 miles for a movie.


I know though, that’s not going to happen today. Or even tomorrow. But it gives me something to think about.

On that note, I’m going to go and post a few blogs about some interesting things that I have seen over the last few years while here in Salt Lake City. Just to remind myself, it’s not all bad. I’m just having a moment…. or twelve.

Soul Searching

I haven’t been writing much lately. I have new neighbors that have never lived in an apartment before, who have no regard for others, that hAve taken my peace and quiet away. Last night, the music was so loud, I couldn’t hear my tV. I had been so luckilyup until now. But it is like the universe is telling me, it’s time to get out of apartment life. I have officially started to despise where I live.

I have had a few eye opening experiences over the last few months. I’ve learned that the same things go on In every single office. Just different people. That sucked, because it was great being blind to it. People talk, and no matter how much I try to ignore it, eventually what they’re saying sinks in, and little things become so obvious.

Every place. There isn’t one place that is void of unnecessary drama. Someone’s always wanting power. Of some sort. It’s just deciding if you want to be drama free, or if you want to “play the game”. I, personally, don’t want to play the game. I want to just go to work, do my job, get out of there.

What really bothered me, is I push myself hard. Every single day. But when I got told one day, it wasn’t good enough, it got to me. Because I had given my all every day up until that point, and they wanted more? How much more can I give?

Like I said, that sort of thing is in every work place. Every single one. And when you know you’re giving 100%, but they want more… it’s hard to keep wanting to go on. I’m disappointed in that. I’m tired as hell as it is.

I have decided that at some point, I want to be my own boss. I’ve got a few ideas that I don’t feel ready to write about yet, but I’m hoping to work on my follow through for my writing. Eventually, I’d like to be back in Wisconsin, and I’d like to concentrate on sharing what there is around me when I get back there. Here in Utah though, there’s not much I feel like sharing. The air quality is awful here. People blame the corporations, I blame vehicles. When I say that, I realize now that I should be doing more for that myself, so I have made a side note to start working on that as well. I think about it, but the actions not there.

I think we all have that though, thoughts without follow through. Something I’m working on in this time. I hate that I’ve had so many ideas, and none of them were ever seen through. Most of them, not worth the time, but the ones that are… I’m officially trying to work on.

I’ve let a lot of other people that I have known through life, hold the pen to my story. That has all been my fault, because I’ve always been a follower. Not that I have to be a LEADER, but I don’t need to be a follower. I’ve got a pretty open mind, and I can think outside the box. I don’t need to follow. I’ve been thinking, and I don’t want to.

I dont’ enjoy my life here in Utah. I’m glad that I’ve had the time with my family, but I really don’t enjoy the city life. The traffic, the air, the people… The cost of living. I spend way too much on rent. And I don’t want to anymore. I don’t want to keep Max in an apartment anymore. He should be able to have a yard. Especially now that the arthritis is bothering him.

He doesn’t like it either, and I’m noticing he’s staying away from the medications. Like he knows what it is, and just doesn’t want it. It worried me at first because I didn’t want him to be in pain, but now… I realize, he just doesn’t want to be medicated all the time anymore. Which I can’t blame him. So, we’re working on other remedies. He has been moving more though, and the last few days, hes’ even taken me for walks every day. But he deserves a yard.

Another year came, and I’m officially 47. But it was a great birthday. I enjoyed it tremendously, and it made me get to thinking that this is the most adult I’ve ever been before. And it feels pretty good actually. I mean, sure I’m not perfect, but I’m doing good. Better than I’ve ever been. And it feels WONDERFUL! I love it!

My point? No one is ever going to the hold the pen in my story. Not anymore. It’s not fair to ME. I don’t know why it took so long, but I’m glad that I’ve been able to get to this point… and get to figure things out.

However, it doesn’t state anywhere, that it has to be the SAME pen as I write though. I like to use markers, colored pencils, crayons …. 🙂

I have to tell you though, how I bought myself a cd on my birthday. Kara had left a Shinedown mix cd for me, and I had it in the car. I realized I knew four songs on that mix. Don’t get me wrong, I love Shinedown, and all their music is worth listening to, I wanted familiar Shinedown.

I can’t remember the last time I went looking for a cd in an actual store. But on the way home from Mom and Dad’s, I stopped at Shopko. There it was, “The Sound of Madness”.

God, I love that song.

That cd as a whole, is by far one of my favorites. And the last time I remember doing that for my birthday, was when I turned 22, and Mom and I went to Baraga to gamble. I won on Let it Ride that day, so when we stopped at the Co-op on the way home, I bought Toby Keith’s FIRST album. The one with “Should’ve Been a Cowboy”. I realized that was 25 years ago.

Wow. It was nice to have the memory though, and realize that it’s okay to still love music and treat myself to a cd from time to time. Until that Shinedown Mix, I hadn’t had any other cd playing in my car since the “Greatest Hits” by 5FDP came out.

That album still disappoints me, it’s not right that “Never Enough” wasn’t on it. That’s a true part of their history, and what does it say when it’s not on a compilation of that history? But my point, is that was what was in my CD player. (Still don’t have that new album. I’m not sure why I haven’t made it a priority. )

My heart kind of broke for Jason Hook when I seen he was promoting a new guitar model. New guitar company. That means one of the things I talked about a year ago, happened, and he’s not being supported by Gibson. That one had to have hurt. I mean, real pain. So, I really felt for him. When I seen them in July, there was something different about him, and I guess I can see it now. The guy … probably is genuinely hurt through out the last year or so. For that, I do feel for him. I honestly want to hug him right now. And apologize for being such a butt last year. I was hurt too, but I was just upset. I didn’t have a right to be in the first place. Truly, all of that is NONE OF MY BUSINESS.

Ivan looks fantastic. There’s a picture of him and his dog that makes me see that he’s doing okay. I’m so glad that most of those guys, are dog guys. (Jason likes cats. There’s one in every bunch. Cat people. 🙂 I’m just allergic. That’s my issue with those animals.)

Zoltan’s working in the Africa with one of his groups, regarding Anti Poaching. With that being said, probably should look into that and share it with you. There’s a video he shared about the group, and the dog looks like it’s driving the Jeep… that alone makes me share it. Not to mention, if it’s something others believe in, I don’t mind sharing it. Out of all the things Z does in his spare time, it’s the easiest one for me to understand. He’s got a lot of interests I tell ya.

Time to get ready for work. I shall return.

Louie Armstrong and Blackberries

I’ve got a new station on Pandora tonight, and as I start to type, “What a Wonderful World” by Louie Armstrong begins. Perfect timing, I have to say. In addition to that, beside me I have the world’s largest blackberries apparently. I do enjoy blackberries. 🙂

What originally made me pull out the keyboard tonight, was that I had heard “Seasons in the Sun”. That song makes me stop everything, and play with Max, and I always cry. I guess I want to make the memories now, because there will be times when that song will come on. I don’t want to forget him, ever. Is that wrong of me? I guess I didn’t realize I was doing it until tonight. It really clicked as I listened to the words to the song. I feel morbid in ways, but I know… he’s not going to out live me. But he’s not gone yet, and that’s why I’m okay with the constant squeaking of the new ball I bought him earlier today. It really is starting to drive me nuts, but really.. he asks for so little in his dog life, I can put up with the constant squeaking until that gets broke. Because he won’t get another one for awhile. For this reason alone.

But … he’s like a puppy all over again. I can’t help but smile at the annoying sounds. I love that creature. He does not enjoy blackberries by the way.

I’ve gotten through a few more seasons of Hell’s Kitchen. I have to confess that I do have a favorite so far. Petrozza!

Continue reading “Louie Armstrong and Blackberries”

Hell’s Kitchen

Something that people don”t know about me, is I have a crush on Gordon Ramsey. This is something that developed before I moved to Utah, when I started watching Hell’s Kitchen in 2007. I really don’t put him on much anymore because the way Hell’s Kitchen started to go, started to really unimpress me.

Last night, I was looking through what was on the Roku channel and I found Hell’s Kitchen. 15 seasons. I thought what the hell, and I hit play on Season 1. Wow, was he brutal! Season 2 is on now. The difference between the two was unbelievable. But this was when it was good, before the networks started censoring the crap out of him.

Back before he became a big ole softy! But I do like him. I also liked him on Master Chef, when it first started. Him, Joe and Graham. I watched it the other day, and Joe’s this big ole marshmallow now. What the hell?

I don’t enjoy reality tv, I really don’t. But then I realize that what I have been watching over the last few months, is nothing but! Walking Dead’s coming back on in a few weeks, and I’ll actually sit down and watch the show. Most of the time now, it’s on for noise.

However, I did upgrade my cable package to get USA back early. They had started doing 10 episodes series earlier this year, when I got sucked into ‘Unsolved” which was about Biggie and Tupac. The one that’s on now is “The Purge”.

That stuff’s scary, because something tells me in the future, that might just happen.

I’d like to say that I didn’t really think that, but the world and the way it’s going, I’m not hopeful. Which makes me sad, when I think of my great niece and great nephew. It’s their generation that is going to have to deal with the crap that is transpiring now.

But that is not something I’m even going to touch on today, because that can get overwhelming.

Back to Gordon, I do want to go to one of his restaurants someday. There are a few in Vegas that I would like to get to someday, but who knows when that will be. I had been hoping to get to Vegas for my birthday, but I’m staying home instead. I can do it cheaply, but I don’t want to. Not now anyway.

I’m scared about this season of Walking Dead. It’s hard to believe that before the start of 2017, I hadn’t even seen an episode, and here I am almost counting down the days to when it has the season premiere. Curse you Jeffrey Dean Morgan, it really was all your fault. Someone lured me in with you.. and here I am now.

And I still can’t get him to respond to one of my tweets. My heart aches …. Kidding. But it was all because of him that I got that far into the show. With what I’ve learned about what’s going to happen this season, has me a bit worried. That will be one time I don’t think I’ll appreciate Johnny Cash’s “Hurt”.

I’ve got some new neighbors, who I have come not to like very much. In the 8 years that I’ve been in this apartment, I’ve never had to deal with the crap that I’ve dealt with in the last 2 months. Drama. Drama. Drama. I think that when the mom rented this place, it was going to be just here, but something happened where her son had to move in with her. And soon, his boyfriend followed.

I don’t think she really has any idea what it’s like when she’s gone, because she works hard. She’s gone a lot. And all the stuff that happens, she doesn’t know about. And I keep that in mind when I deal with the crap. I’ve decided to retaliate though. They are so noisy between 5 to 10 pm. Banging, the walls getting hit, one day I was sitting at the table, and there were four pounds on the floor/ceiling right above me. And I didn’t even have the tv or music on.

It just makes me very uncomfortable because I’m used to silence. I’ve been blessed until now, with amazing neighbors. I’m reading now, just how lucky I truly was.

The energy in the neighborhood has gone down the tubes over the last few months. I’ve got a dumb*** that lives with his mom on the corner. What bothers me about him the most, is that he’s identical to someone else I know. Who lives with his mother, and takes advantage of her. Emotional abuse. Blames his mother for all the bad decisions he’s made in his life. I honestly,, am really sick and tired of these people.

That sense of entitlement.

Where did this come from? I think in some ways, we’re all selfish and we all decide the world owes us, but I don’t remember ever being as selfish as some of the people I’ve known in my life.

But again, another day for the topic as well.

On a positive note, I’m really excited for a new opportunity in my life. I’m going to be dealing cards again. I haven’t done that for years, but I have always enjoyed it. The social aspect of it, and having a good time with people. I have been wanting to play cards, so this is a great chance for me to make some extra money. It will be for parties, and we can actually teach people how to play the game. I couldn’t do that when I was a dealer in a casino.

But what I’m most excited for is to deal Roulette again.

I love that game. I really do. And I keep thinking about the last time I played.. It was that night on the cruise ship, when Ivan was sitting at the table next to me. He was playing three card poker. I bought in for $40, and I had the time of my life on that game that night. When I cashed out, I cashed out with $40. Best night. It really was. And I realize a big part of that was because I had awesome dealers. So, why not be that person for someone else. My first lesson will be don’t be afraid of the 00.

I go for the training tonight. I’m excited. : )

On that note, I’ll sign off for now. Max is doing great, I can tell he’s feeling better now that the weather is cooling off. I need to figure out the car thing though. He’s still not willing to get in. I know that this is because of the last time he got in, and got hurt. The ramp slipped. One of the first things I do when I start making money, is look at ramps for him.

I went to see my old therapist a few weeks ago. It was nice to talk to her, and I realized that I’m not as messed up as I thought. I just needed to empty out. It was good to do that. Sometimes I need to just empty the train of thought, and start over. Because sometimes things are bothering me that have no right to be even on my mind! That’s annoying. But it was good to see her.

My point of telling you that? Don’t be afraid to admit that it feels good to have someone to talk to. Sometimes that things that are bothering us, need to be discussed, but really, we don’t want to to hurt anyone. Because you know that someone along the line, will misconstrue something we are not trying to be mean about. But they’ll take it the wrong way because they always expect the worst.

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