A Minute

I think that the main reason I haven’t been here more often as of late, is because this place is a reminder of how foolish Ive been in my life. The bands.

Most recently, I had an experience with a band that I had followed for 26 years. You see, I had been a follower of Jackyl for a long time. I met them years ago, in a parking lot when they were opening for the band Damn Yankees, you know the one with Tommy Shaw and Ted Nugent.

I had only heard one song of theirs before I seen them live. My mom and dad bought me their first release for Christmas that year. Turns out that there was a lot in my life going on at that time, none that I was actually aware of at that time.

I don’t really feel up to sharing that part of my life just yet. I don’t know who even reads this if anyone, and if there are people who knew me in my hometown at that time, really didn’t know about it.

Because of this part, I’m pretty sure that was why I attached myself to that band, and Jeff Worley.

It angers me beyond belief to realize it took me this long to figure out that part. Seeing them this last time, made me realize what sorts of dickheads I wasted way too much time on money on. (Excuse my language, but I’ll tell you why I’m using such language shortly)

I have no regrets where Chris Worley or Roman Glick are concerned. Though I still don’t know Roman, he’s a always been pleasant with me, and he’s a damn good bass player. I love to watch him, he’s entertaining.

Chris. Well, Chris has always been very nice, and real to me. Genuine. Even if he didn’t like me, I never knew that. For that, I’m thankful.

But where the other two are concerned. Wow. Wow. Wow. Talk about thinking they’re all that an then some. Who in the hell do they think that they are? They think that they are rockstars and above us wee folk.

At least that’s how they acted with me.

Talk about disappointing. But I got my peace.

I was surprised that I did it really, but after I did…. Wow, I felt pretty amazing!

I wrote a letter to Chris Worley last week. In this letter, I gave him the pictures I had hoped to give both him and Jeff at the show in April. But I had to go through that damn line, and well, they weren’t given to him. I went through the other pictures I had, and found a pile to send along, because I realized… I don’t want to remember that crap anymore. I ripped up a lot of them, but I thought Chris would at least appreciate looking at them. Pictures of Virgil when they did Super V at McPs in Clemson.

I told him this is how I wanted to remember this chapter. I don’t want to remember all the time I wasted on Jackyl. I wanted to remember Super V. I also reminded him that out of all the shows that I’d been to, I had paid for all of those shows. And the fact that I couldn’t get five minutes… well, I needed him to let his brother know that his behavior was …. well, pretty disgusting in my opinion. Jesse’s too. I had $58 to my name that morning, for a week and a half, and I spent $34 on that ticket. I didn’t have any money for merchandise. And to be IGNORED because of that fact. Acted like he didn’t even see me, SCREW YOU JESSE DUPREE.

Anyway, also the best part of this letter was… I sent Jeff’s book back with the letter, and stated maybe Jeff could get a few bucks back for resale because it’s worthless to me now.

I went and mailed it out that day. And I smiled when I dropped it in the box. I did not realize how good that would make me feel. It was amazing to tell someone how much of an asshole they really were, without actually saying those exact words.

Wow. I realized that he really did think he was that great, but … wow, dude, Jeff….. you wouldn’t be anything without the people who pay for your tickets. You seemed to have forgotten that, Mr. Freaking ROCKSTAR.

I sent it to Jeff’s painting studio or whatever it is. he’s got paintings on sale on that website anyway. Uh, let’s just say, I wouldn’t pay for any of those. People will pay for them though because of that rockstar billing behind it. Someone needs to remind him where he started.

As for Jesse, I’ve got one word. Douchebag.

Then there’s the whole 5FDP obsession thing. Wow.. That was scary. I really didn’t see it as a problem. But I can tell you the exact moment I realized what it was. When Ivan got his head and face tattoos. I realized what he’s doing, and well, I didn’t want to watch it. I don’t want to see what’s going on in his life. Any of their lives. Because it doesn’t make me fell any better seeing such stupidity. *Sorry but that head tattoo was a breaking point. Stop with the tattoos, man. You’ve just turned one problem into another one, and well, you look like an idiot.

Just my opinion. But you do. Red Dragon, what in the hell were you thinking?

I actually unfollowed them all on that day. I really don’t want to know anything. I dont’ want to give them anymore of my money if that’s what they’re going to do with what we give them.

However, they have song on that new album, “And Justice for None”.

If it doesn’t automatically come up, please click on it. It’s a song called I Refuse. It’s also a lyric video that goes along with the music, and I will tell you that every album they have one that is just perfect for me. Singing along with the words encourages me. For that, I will always be grateful for that band. Thank you Five Finger Death Punch. Together, you have gotten me through a lot of shit. Thank you.

And you always help with my courage. I’m braver because of the music you play. Thank you.

And Jason Hook sounds so wonderful in the middle of the song… that acoustic…

Jason still makes my heart skip a beat, but I’m a realist. More than I’ve ever been before.

I have been afraid a good part of my adult life. Afraid of what, I’m still not 100% clear on, but the fears been there. Because of that fear, there’s a lot of things I haven’t done.

I don’t like that. I mean, I know I can still do things, but I ask myself, where did that fear come from? I realize now, that I didn’t do a lot of things because of the eye roll. You have a Mom, you know the eye roll. I guess I didn’t want to disappoint her. But I realize now, she does it to everyone about everything. Because she thinks we’re weird! I mistook her disinterest as “don’t do it” where it was more like “You and your crazy ideas”. You know what I mean? She never once said don’t do it.

Ever.

Not that I have any wild ideas to go and try something new. I would love to, but I’ve got small picture things to deal with. Like my move. That’s still a big thing. I don’t know why I have held on to so many different things that are still in this apartment. I couldn’t be more excited that some of these are leaving! I’m not taking very much with me if I can help it. Just for the sake that I’ve never gotten myself anything new before. Now’s the time!

I really only plan to buy two items when I move. A bedroom set, and a dining room table. I won’t be able to get them both at the same time, but I’ve got a plan! And that dining room table is included in my Sunday mornings 🙂

That and a Sunday paper. I’m looking forward to treating myself to that. I have goals set for myself, and for whatever reason, I feel like its going to take getting into that new apartment to get them rolling.

I don’t know what it is. here, I feel like I can’t get anything started. I think it’s my mindset that’s I just don’t want to start now, with the move so close. I feel so … drained here. I can’t think of another word for it. Drained feels perfect.

That however, goes back to a few other things going on. I’ve come to realize, I don’t like it when a relationship gets to the point where I can’t even talk to that person without getting angry. That’s toxic. This particular situation, it was a person that I do like very much, but the behavior was getting to the point that I wasn’t even able to look at that person. I didn’t like that even a tiny bit. So, that left me feeling pretty drained. I do believe that it is on the mend now, but only time will tell I suppose.

I’ve been beating myself up pretty bad too. There was one situation that really bothered me, still bothers me, that hasn’t been addressed and I’m wondering how in the hell am I supposed to be able to move on from this. I know that’s vague, but I am not ready to talk about it yet. However, I am thinking about going to see my therapist.

I haven’t seen her much over the last few years, but I’ve gone to her once a few weeks ago, and I think I need to go back. She’s my sounding board. I keep a lot to myself, and when it gets to be too much, I go to her. It’s not that it’s big stuff, it’s just heavy stuff.

I found her years ago, when I first started to realize that I had an issue. Actually, I found her the day I realized I needed the help of a professional. Then my psychiatrist was in that same office. I don’t see him anymore, because he got me on the medications that I need. If I feel like things are changing though, trust me, he’s the first person that I’ll be going to see.

With the depression, the biggest things that helped me get on the right track, were those to things. A therapist and a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist helps you find medications to help you, if they can help you. The therapist helps you talk things out. Seriously, that’s what it was for me. When you keep a lot inside, it piles up to the point where it’s nothing but a pile of garbage in your mind. That’s the way I began to see it, and she helped me start sorting it out. She was a blessing.

Both of them were. One person I know is suffering from depression, but won’t see or talk to anyone about it. That bothers me a lot, because I see what it does. I want to help, but there’s nothing I can do. I’ve tried. That’s when my heart also gets heavy. I was like that too. But now… now, I really do feel better.

I still have anxiety though.. That I realize is never going to stop. Some scenarios are worse than others, but I’m getting better. I hate that I feel it right in the center of my chest though, because I just want it to go away. Really, it’s not that bad. I know it’s not that bad. So why do I feel so wound up?

I do find that breathing exercises really do help me with this though. I don’t want it to be an excuse. I got this.

But back to the quote, fear. I don’t want to have fear. I want to have adventures and experience. With that being said, I’ll work on that. One day at a time.