Someone Else’s Perception

How can you change someone else’s perception of you?

That seems to be an issue with a very big relationship in my life right now. As I face this new exciting chapter of my life, I am faced with the challenge of this. How people don’t forget wha you’ve done in the past.

You see, I’ve made mistakes. I’ve never been a horrible person, but I’ve been bad with financial decisions. A few years ago, I needed bailing out. I had a plan though. I had asked someone close to me for a favor, he said he’d think about it, but instead went and told these very important people what I’d asked of him.

Now, I know in my heart, he had the best intentions. But right now, I regret ever asking him that favor. Instead of talking to me, he told on me. Literally. That’s what it was.

This is where I can’t help but get mad about where I’m at now. When that all started, this situation… well, it was supposed to be a short term thing. I was hoping for six months, but it’s now been two years. YEARS. That is over 750 days. That’s three jobs. And I’ve been at this one for over a year now. I LOVE it there, because I feel it helps me with my same situation. Bad financial decisions.

These people really are like me. They all want to do the right thing, genuinely. Which is what makes me strive to be a better person.

But no one sees that part in me. They are stuck on what I was a few years ago.

I’m 47. Isn’t time that I step up to the plate and be that well adjusted adult that everyone seems to want me to be, but … yet seems to have issues with letting the past go?

Again, I’m 47. I’m not 17. I wish that they could see that I have learned something in the last few years. That I really just want to do the best that I can. For me. For Max. This part, no… it’s not my chapter five yet. This is. Chapter Four. I need to plan for Chapter Five. The future.

I’ve been telling a lot of people about that poem lately. “My Autobiography in Five Short Chapters.” Just as recently as last night. I had a surprise set of visitors. The person I got Max from almost 8 years ago.

Max was growling, and I went outside to see at what, and he was walking up the sidewalk with his wife. I hadn’t seen him in years, literally. That was such a nice surprise. He had Max’s mom. He had lost her in the last few years, she made it to 13 but was pretty sick isn’t the end. He was missing her I think, so it was a nice visit for all. They’re expecting, so that was really exciting news. That first year, he was a big part of Max’s life.

I’m not sure if Max remembered him or not, but I’d like to think that he did. He was talking up a storm to him. That seemed to make Ryan smile, Bob used to do that all the time too.

He was my angel back then. I’ve had guardian angels in my life, and I think that was a reminder of that. He brought my best friend and I together. And for that, he will always be special in my life. But … what an exciting new chapter for him!

Back to my original point I guess… someone else’s perception. I sincerely, just want to be where I’m the one trying to keep things together. I want to be the one worrying about it all. Is it so wrong of me to be the one who’s in control of the worry?

I’m not the person I was ten years ago. That’s what stuck in their minds. Ten years ago was a long, LONG time ago. And I’ve learned a lot in that ten years. But in their minds, no I haven’t.

Would you call that having blinders on or tunnel vision? Either way, you can’t see anything past what you’ve seen in the past. It’s a struggle, and I’m trying to be adult about it, but … truly feel like I’m dealing with teenagers. I’m not being heard, because I’m cut off three words into my thought.

I understand now, how frustrating it had to have been when I was 16. Because I know I truly have good intentions, but what do I know. I seriously just seen my teenage years flash before my eyes. This is what they mean when they say it all comes back to you. Hmmmm.

I’m not going anywhere, any time soon. I think that’s another concern. Yes, I do intend to move back to Wisconsin at some point in my life, but it isn’t today. I’m finally at the point in my life where things are stable. I have a job that I love, and I feel confident in my position there. I finally feel like I’m in a place that I am heard, and I look out for the best of everyone I firmly believe.

If anything ever happens there, that’s when I’d go back to Wisconsin. Otherwise, I’m there for … the rest of my working life. 100%.

I’m going to plan for my vacations, and my retirement. I want to see places. None of them now, but I’ll be 50 in a few years, so … I’m thinking that might be when I plan for Europe. Who the heck knows. Thing is, I’ve got things to see, people to meet. That’s not going to happen in my apartment.

I just wish I could get them to understand that this isn’t personal, and it bothers me when they think it is. I really just want to plan … for chapter five.

And I just want it to be known, that in my mind, as I walk around that big hole in the sidewalk, I’ve made it a wishing well, and I throw quarters in as I walk on by. 😉